OVER  HERE 


HECTOR  .MACQUARRIE 

Lieut.  ROYAL  PIELD  ARTILLERY 


OVER  HERE 


THE  STORY  OF  "OVER  THERE" 
EVERY  AMERICAN  SHOULD  READ  IT 

HOW  TO  LIVE  AT 
THE  FRONT 

BY  HECTOR  MACQUARRIE,  B.A.,  Cantab. 

Lieutenant,  Royal  Field  Artillery 

Illustrated,  $1.35  net 
"  A  Masterpiece  " — NEW  YORK  SUN 

Your  Son,  Brother  or  Friend  in  Arms 
It  is  your  duty  to  instruct  and  advise  him  as  to 
what  is  in  store  for  him  at  the  front.  This  book 
will  give  you  the  facts, — read  it  and  counsel 
your  boy  for  his  physical  and  spiritual  good,  or 
better  still  send  him  a  copy  and  call  his  atten 
tion  to  the  chapters  that  you  think  will  be  of 
the  greatest  value  to  him. 

//  You  Are  an  American 

Read  it  for  the  true  facts  it  will  give  you  of  the 
living  and  working  and  fighting  under  actual 
war  conditions.  It  will  help  you  understand 
what  difficulties  face  our  army,  both  officers  and 
men,  in  France.  You  will  thereafter  read  the 
war  news  and  letters  from  the  front  with  deeper 
sympathy  and  greater  understanding. 


OVER  HERE 

IMPRESSIONS  OF  AMERICA 
BY  A  BRITISH   OFFICER 


HECTOR  MAcQUARRIE,  B.  A.,  Cantab. 

SECOND    LIEUTENANT,   ROYAL  FIELD   ARTILLERY 
AUTHOR   OF   "HOW  TO   LIVE  AT  THE  FRONT*' 


PHILADELPHIA  AND  LONDON 

J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT  COMPANY 

1918 


COPYRIGHT,    IQl8,   BY  J.   B.   LIPPINCOTT  COMPANY 


PUBLISHED   APRIL,   IQlS 


PRINTED  BY  J.   B.   LIPPINCOTT  COMPANY 

AT  THE  WASHINGTON  SQUARE  PRESS 

PHILADELPHIA,   U.  S.  A. 


J?. 


TO  THE  MEMORY  OF  MY  FATHER 

A  MACQUARRIE  OF  ULVA  WHO 
DIED  ON  DECEMBER  24,  1917 
THIS  BOOK  IS  DEDICATED 


PREFACE 

A   DEFENSIVE   BARRAGE 

DURING  a  year  spent  largely  in  Pennsylvania, 
with  occasional  visits  to  other  states,  I  have  found 
little  to  criticise,  but  rather  much  to  admire,  much, 
indeed  to  love.  America  now  means  a  great  deal  to  me, 
since  it  contains  so  many  people  that  I  have  learnt 
to  care  for,  so  I  want  to  let  my  cousins  as  well  as 
my  own  countrymen  know  my  thoughts. 

From  the  day  that  I  landed  in  New  York  until 
the  present  moment,  I  have  been  treated  with  a  kind 
liness  that  surpasses  anything  I  thought  possible  in 
this  world.  I  have  been  able  to  see,  I  hope,  where 
misunderstanding  has  arisen,  and,  being  a  Highland 
Scotchman,  I  ami  able  to  express  my  feelings. 

I  have  written  more  about  persons  than  about 
places.  Sometimes  I  laugh  a  little,  but  never  un 
kindly  ;  and  I  do  this  because  I  realize  that  American 
people  rather  appreciate  a  joke  even  at  their  own 
expense. 

Often  I  have  heard,  over  here,  that  it  is  impossible 
for  an  Englishman  to  see  a  good  joke.  A  man  told 
me  once  that  the  Kaiser  was  disguising  his  submarines 
as  jests,  with  an  obvious  design.  The  idea  was  in 
teresting  to  me,  because  if  there  is  one  thing  that  we 
Britons  pride  ourselves  upon,  it  is  our  sense  of  humour. 
Of  course,  the  explanation  is  obvious.  Most  humour 

7 


8  PREFACE 

is  based  upon  the  surprising  incidents  and  coinci 
dents  of  domestic  relations,  and  how  on  earth  are  we 
poor  British  to  appreciate  specious  American  humour 
when  we  know  nothing  of  American  home  life,  and  but 
little  of  American  society? 

When  I  arrived  here  first,  I  regarded  the  funny 
page  of  a  newspaper  as  pure  drivel ;  now  I  never  miss 
having  a  good  laugh  when  I  read  it.  I  have  become 
educated.  Once  or  twice  in  these  letters  I  have 
slanged  my  own  countrymen,  but  my  American  friends 
will  not  misunderstand,  I  am  quite  sure.  If  I  were 
an  American,  perhaps  I  should  have  the  right  to 
criticise  the  American  people. 

During  these  times  of  stress  it  is  difficult  to  con 
centrate  upon  anything  not  connected  with  the  war, 
and  so  these  papers  have  been  written,  sometimes 
sitting  in  a  parlor  car,  sometimes  at  peace  in  my 
room  at  Bethlehem,  and  sometimes  at  meetings  while 
awaiting  my  turn  to  speak.  So  I  apologize  for  much 
that  is  careless  in  my  effort  towards  good  English, 
hoping  that  my  readers  will  realize  that  while  I  de 
sire  to  amuse  them,  still  underlying  much  that  is 
flippant,  there  is  a  definite  hope  that  I  shall  suc 
ceed  just  a  little  in  helping  to  cement  a  strong  intelli 
gent  friendship  between  the  two  great  Anglo-Saxon 
nations. 

HECTOR  MACQUAREIK. 
BETHLEHEM,  PA.,  November,  1917. 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER 

I.  A  NAVAL  BATTLE  FOLLOWED  BY  SERVICE  AT  SEA 11 

II.  NEW  YORK  SHELLED  WITH  SHRAPNEL  AND  AN  ENTRANCE 

MADE   TO   THE    "HOLY   ClTY" 17 

III.  SOCIAL  AMENITIES  IN  "BACK  BILLETS" 36 

IV.  "VERY'S  LIGHTS" 46 

V.  A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  .  „ 52 

VI.  GERMAN   FRIGHTFUL   FOOLISHNESS!     A   NEW    ALLY! 

THE  HATCHET  SHOWS  SIGNS  OF  BECOMING  BURIED.  .     77 

VII.  SOME  BRITISH  SHELLS  FALL  SHORT 84 

VIII.  LACRYMATORY  SHELLS 95 

IX.  SHELLS 113 

X.  SUBMARINES 129 

XI.  AN  OFFENSIVE  BOMBARDMENT 137 

XII.  Six  DAY'S  LEAVE 146 

XIII.  GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES 162 

XIV.  A  PREMATURE 180 

XV.  " BON  FOR  You:    No  BON  FOR  ME" 188 

XVI.  A  NAVAL  VICTORY 196 

XVII.  POISONOUS  GAS 209 

XVIII.  THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA..  .  219 


OVER  HERE 


A  NAVAL  BATTLE  FOLLOWED  BY  SERVICE  AT  SEA 

R.  M.  S.  BEGONIA,  Atlantic  Ocean, 

August  30,  1917. 

WHEN  I  was  told  that  I  should  possibly  visit 
America  I  was  not  quite  certain  how  I  liked  the  idea. 
To  be  sure  I  had  never  been  to  the  United  States,  but 
to  leave  the  comparative  peace  of  the  war  zone  to 
spend  my  days  amidst  the  noise  and  racket  of  machine 
shops  and  steel  mills,  accompanied  by  civilians,  was 
not  altogether  attractive.  Nevertheless  there  was  a 
great  deal  that  seemed  interesting  in  the  scheme,  and 
on  the  whole  I  felt  glad. 

After  being  invalided  from  Ypres  I  had  spent 
some  time  in  a  convalescent  home,  and  I  finally  joined 
a  reserve  brigade  on  what  is  termed  "  light  duty." 
While  here,  I  was  ordered  to  hold  myself  in  readiness 
to  proceed  to  America  as  an  inspector  of  production, 
which  meant  that  I  was  to  help  in  every  possible  way 
the  production  of  guns  and  carriages.  My  job  would 
be  to  help  the  main  contractor  as  far  as  possible  by 
visiting  the  sub-contractors,  and  by  letting  the  people 
at  home  know  (through  the  proper  channels)  of  any 
thing  that  would  assist  the  manufacturer. 

11 


£St  OVER  HERE 

My  ideas  about  America  are  slightly  mixed.  Like 
all  my  countrymen,  I  rather  refuse  to  acknowledge 
the  independence  of  the  United  States.  They  are  re 
lations,  and  who  ever  heard  of  cousins  maintaining 
diplomatic  relations  amongst  themselves  and  being  in 
dependent  at  the  same  time.  Of  course,  many  cousins, 
especially  of  the  enthusiastic  and  original  type, 
rather  seek  a  certain  independence,  but,  alas,  they 
never  get  it;  so  we  still  regard  the  American  people 
as  part  of  ourselves,  and,  of  course,  make  a  point  of 
showing  them  the  more  unpleasant  features  of  their 
national  character.  Of  course,  they  may  enjoy  this, 
but  on  the  other  hand,  they  may  not.  I  don't  know. 
Perhaps  I  shall  find  out. 

It  is  a  little  difficult  to  understand  their  attitude 
in  regard  to  the  Germans.  We  dislike  them.  They 
ought  to. 

However,  before  proceeding  to  America,  I  was 
ordered  to  tour  the  munition  plants  of  the  British 
Isles.  I  enjoyed  this  very  much  and  was  astonished 
at  the  cleverness  displayed  by  my  fellow  countrymen, 
and  especially  by  my  fellow  countrywomen.  The 
latter  were  seen  by  the  thousands.  Some  were  hard 
at  work  on  turret  lathes  turning  out  fuses  like  tin 
tacks.  Others,  alleged  by  my  guide  to  be  "  society 
women,"  whatever  that  may  mean,  were  doing  work 
of  a  more  difficult  nature.  They  were  dressed  in 
khaki  overalls  and  looked  attractive.  Some  young 


A  NAVAL  BATTLE— SERVICE  AT  SEA  13 

persons  merely  went  about  in  a  graceful  manner 
wielding  brooms,  sweeping  up  the  floor.  There 
always  seemed  a  young  lady  in  front  of  one,  sweep 
ing  up  the  floor.  I  felt  like  doffing  my  cap  with  a 
graceful  sweep  and  saying,  "  Madam,  permit  me." 
I  was  examining  a  great  big  9.2  Howitzer  gun  and 
carriage  ready  for  proof,  and  I  found  three  old  ladies 
sitting  behind  it  having  a  really  good  old  gossip. 
They  hopped  up  in  some  confusion  and  looked  rather 
guilty,  as  I  at  once  felt.  This  used  to  be  called 
"  pointing  "  when  I  worked  in  a  machine  shop.  I  saw 
the  luncheon  rooms  provided  for  the  women.  When 
women  do  things  there  is  always  a  graceful  touch 
about  somewhere  which  is  unmistakable.  The  men  in 
charge  of  several  of  the  plants  I  visited  remarked 
that,  generally  speaking,  the  women  were  more  easily 
managed  than  the  men,  except  when  they  were  closely 
related  to  the  men,  and  that  then  awkward  situations 
„  sometimes  arose.  I  believe  there  is  a  lady  in  charge 
called  a  moral  forewoman. 

The  women  have  to  wear  a  sort  of  bathing  cap 
over  their  hair.  Some  of  them  hate  this — naturally. 
A  woman's  glory  has  been  alleged  to  be  her  hair, 
but  this  remark  was  made  before  the  modern  wig 
was  developed,  so  I  don't  know  whether  it  applies 
now  or  not.  However,  the  order  has  to  be  insisted 
upon.  One  poor  girl,  working  a  crane,  had  her  hair 
caught  in  the  pinions,  and  unfortunately  lost  most  of 


14  OVER  HERE 

her  scalp.  I  won't  vouch  for  the  truth  of  this  state 
ment,  but  a  full  typed  account  of  the  accident  was 
being  circulated  while  I  was  visiting  several  large 
munition  plants.  Of  course,  the  object  was  to  let  the 
ladies  see,  that  while  their  glory  might  be  manifested 
to  the  workmen  for  a  time,  there  were  certain  risks  of 
losing  the  glory  altogether — and  was  it  worth  while? 

I  visited  Glasgow  and  saw  many  wonderful  things. 
In  a  weak  endeavour  to  jump  over  a  table,  I  caught 
my  foot  somehow  or  other,  and  came  an  awful 
cropper  on  my  elbow,  and  I  nearly  died  with  pain,  but 
after  three  days  in  the  hospital  I  started  off  on  my 
journey.  Later  I  received  an  army  form  charging 
me  with  thirty  days'  ration  allowance  for  time  spent 
in  Glasgow  Military  Hospital.  I  refused  to  sign  this, 
but  I  dare  say  they  will  get  the  money  all  right; 
however,  I  won't  know  about  it,  and  that  is  all  that 
matters. 

Finally,  I  returned  to  London,  and  after  passing 
with  some  difficulty  a  rigid  examination  presided 
over  by  my  chief,  I  lunched  with  him  at  the  Reform 
Club,  and  then  spent  a  few  busy  hours  buying  civilian 
clothes.  Later  I  met  my  Major's  wife  who  was  in  a 
worried  condition  over  one  big  thing  and  another 
little  thing.  The  big  trouble  was  caused  by  her  hus 
band's  unfortunate  collision  with  a  5.9  shell ;  the  little 
thing  was  caused  by  the  fact  that  the  Major's  Aire 
dale,  Jack,  had  had  an  unfortunate  incident  with  a 


A  NAVAL  BATTLE— SERVICE  AT  SEA  15 

harmless  lamb,  which  made  his  stay  in  the  country 
difficult,  if  not  impossible.  I  had  to  relieve  her  of 
Jack  so  that  all  her  attention  might  be  devoted  to  the 
Major.  The  next  day,  I  took  him  home  to  the  coun 
try,  hoping  that  the  lady  of  the  manor  would  suggest 
his  staying  there.  She  might  have  done  so  if  he  had 
shown  an  humble  spirit.  He  dashed  into  the  pond, 
disturbed  the  life  out  of  the  tiny  moorhens,  and, 
worse  still,  sent  scurrying  into  the  air  about  a  dozen 
tame  wild  duck.  This  sealed  his  fate  as  regards  the 
manor,  so  I  decided  that  he  would  have  to  go  to 
America  with  me.  I  had  few  objections,  but  I  re 
gretted  that  he  was  so  big. 

He  caused  me  muchi  trouble  and  a  little  anxiety, 
but  finally  I  got  him  safely  on  board  the  Cunarder. 
The  captain  seemed  to  like  him  all  right,  and  so  did 
many  passengers,  but  he  made  much  noise  and  eventu 
ally  had  to  spend  the  greater  part  of  his  life  in  an 
unpleasant  dungeon  on  one  of  the  lower  decks.  Here 
he  was  accompanied  by  a  well  bred  wire-haired  fox 
terrier.  This  fox  terrier  gave  birth,  during  the 
voyage,  to  seven  little  puppies,  and  the  purser  alleged 
that  he  would  charge  freight  for  eight  dogs ;  thereby 
showing  a  commercial  spirit  but  little  humour,  or 
perhaps  too  much  humour. 

These  notes  are  being  written  during  the  last 
days  of  the  journey.  I  am  enjoying  the  whole  thing. 
I  sit  at  the  Captain's  table  accompanied  by  another 


16  OVER  HERE 

officer  from  the  navy,  a  correspondent  of  the  Daily 
Mail,  and  a  Bostonian  and  his  wife  whom  I  love 
rather,  since  I  have  always  liked  Oliver  Wendell 
Holmes.  The  Bostonian  is  a  splendid  chap,  turned 
out  in  an  English  cut  suit  which  he  hates  because  it 
seems  to  him  too  loose.  I  think  that  he  looks  ripping. 
I  always  agree  with  his  arguments,  feeling  it  to  be 
safer;  but  I  had  to  put  in  just  a  mild  protest,  when 
he  observed  that  America  could  equip  an  army  in  six 
weeks,  that  would  lick  any  Continental  army.  Of 
course,  this  showed  some  optimism,  and  a  great  faith. 

We  were  comparatively  happy,  however,  until  the 
naval  chap  had  an  unfortunate  altercation  with  the 
Bostonian.  They  both  meant  well,  I  am  sure,  but  sea 
traveling  often  changes  the  mental  perspective  of 
people,  and  the  Bostonian  sought  another  table. 

We  expect  to  arrive  in  two  days  and  I  am  looking 
forward  to  seeing  New  York  and  the  skyscrapers. 


II 

NEW   YORK   SHELLED   WITH   SHRAPNEL  AND   AN 
ENTRANCE  MADE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY" 

BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  October  30,  1917. 

AFTER  passing  through  several  days  of  dense  fog 
we  at  last  arrived  off  the  Statue  of  Liberty,  and  com 
menced  to  thread  our  way  up  the  Hudson  River. 

What  a  wonderful  approach  New  York  has.  I 
felt  that  anything  merely  "  American "  ought  not 
to  be  so  beautiful.  It  ought  to  have  been  flimsy  and 
cheap  looking.  My  mind  rushed  back  to  London 
and  Tilbury  Docks,  where  upon  arrival  one  feels  most 
depressed.  For  dear  old  London  cannot  impress  a 
stranger  when  he  first  gets  there. 

The  colouring  of  the  great  skyscrapers  is  so  beau 
tiful,  sometimes  white,  sometimes  rusty  red,  always 
gay  and  cheerful.  Besides  being  marvellous  prod 
ucts  of  engineering  skill,  they  display  architectural 
beauty.  When  man  tries  to  vie  with  nature  in  mat 
ters  of  beauty,  he  generally  comes  off  second  best,  but 
the  high  buildings  when  seen  from  the  Hudson  at  dusk 
vapproach  very  closely  to  nature's  own  loveliness. 
Cheery  little  puffs  of  snowy  white  steam  float  around, 
and  when  the  lights  start  to  twinkle  from  every  win 
dow  one  thinks  of  fairy  land.  In  the  dusk  the  build- 
2  17 


18  OVER  HERE 

ings  seem  to  form  a  great  natural  cliff,  all  j  agged  and 
decently  untidy. 

Finally,  we  were  safely  docked  and  the  naval  fel 
low  and  I  were  at  a  loss  to  know  where  to  go,  until  we 
were  met  by  an  energetic  looking  man  with  a  kindly 

face,  called  Captain  H .  I  have  never  been  able 

to  decide  whether  this  chap  is  an  American  citizen,  an 
officer  in  the  Canadian  army,  a  sea  captain,  or  what. 

This  officer  was  a  great  help  to  us  in  getting 
through  the  customs.  He  expressed  astonishment  at 
the  large  amount  of  baggage  possessed  by  the  naval 
walla  and  myself.  He  remarked  bitingly  that  he  had 
travelled  around  the  world  with  a  "  grip."  We  be 
lieved  it.  I  dared  not  tell  him  about  Jack.  I  was 
unable  to  land  that  gentleman  until  he  had  been  ap 
praised,  so  I  said  nothing  about  him.  Finally  we  got 
into  a  taxi,  an  untidy  looking  conveyance,  and  com 
menced  to  drive  through  the  streets  of  New  York  to 
our  hotel.  I  noted  that  the  people  living  near  and 
around  the  docks  had  almost  a  Southern  European 
appearance.  There  seemed  to  be  numbers  of  fruit 
stands,  and  the  windows  in  all  the  houses  had  shades 
of  variegated  colours,  mostly  maroon  and  grey. 

We  drove  up  Fifth  Avenue  and  finally  reached  our 
hotel.  I  am  not  going  to  give  you  now  my  impressions 
of  New  York.  I  always  think  that  it  is  an  imper 
tinence  to  write  about  a  city  when  one  has  only  dwelt 
in  it  a  few  days.  I  thought,  however,  that  the  road 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"   19 

seemed  a  bit  bumpy,  and  I  must  admit  that  I  disliked 
the  taxicab. 

Arriving  at  the  hotel  we  walked  up  some  ele 
gant  steps  and  approached  a  place  suggesting  almost 
a  throne,  or  a  row  of  stalls  in  a  cathedral.  There 
was  a  counter  in  front,  and  behind  it  there  stood  sev 
eral  men,  very  clean  looking  and  superior.  With 
these  our  guide  held  converse.  He  spoke  in  a  low  and 
ingratiating  voice,  very  humble.  The  chap  behind  the 
desk,  a  fellow  with  black  curly  hair  and  an  anxious, 
competent  expression,  did  not  lower  his  voice,  but 
looked  disdainfully  at  him  and  finally  agreed  to  let  us 
have  some  rooms.  The  American  hotel  clerks,  the 
"  e  "  pronounced  as  in  jerk,  are  veritable  tyrants. 
Someone  said  that  America  having  refused  to  have 
kings  and  dukes,  had  enthroned  hotel  clerks  and  head 
waiters  in  their  places. 

We  had  a  charming  luncheon.  During  the  meal 
we  listened  to  perfectly  ripping  music.  Amidst  the 
sound  of  the  violins  and  other  things  the  soft  tones  of 
a  pipe-organ  could  be  heard ;  the  music  was  sweet  and 
mellow  and  the  players  seemed  to  be  hidden.  As  a 
matter  of  fact,  they  were  in  a  gallery  near  the  roof. 
Unlike  in  some  London  restaurants,  one  could  hear 
oneself  speak. 

American  food  and  its  manner  of  being  served 

differs  from  ours.  I  think  it  is  much  nicer.  H 

ordered  the  meal,  which  we  liked  very  much.  We  had 


20  OVER  HERE 

clams,  which  are  somewhat  like  the  cockles  one  gets 
on  the  English  coast,  but  are  much  larger.  They  are 
served  daintily  amidst  a  lot  of  mushy  ice.  One 
"  eats  "  bread  and  butter  throughout  the  meal  in 
stead  of  "  playing  "  with  it  as  we  do. 

After  luncheon,  we  went  down  town  to  interview 
our  respective  superiors.  I  found  my  chief  in  the 
Mutual  Building.  He  is  a  humourous  Scotchman  of 
the  Lowland  variety,  with  a  kindly  eye  and  a  good 
deal  of  his  Scotch  accent  left.  I  liked  him  at  once, 
and  we  had  a  long  chat  about  common  friends  in  Eng 
land.  He  put  me  in  the  hands  of  an  Englishman 
whose  duty  it  was  to  look  after  my  reports,  etc.  This 
man  seemed  a  keen  sort  of  fellow.  Unfortunately,  he 
decided  at  once  that  I  belonged  to  the  effete  aris 
tocracy — why  I  don't  know — and  with  his  keen  man 
ner  let  me  know  it.  He  was  the  sort  of  man  who 
makes  a  fellow  feel  himself  to  be  entirely  useless  and 
unnecessary.  I  felt  depressed  after  leaving  him.  As 
a  matter  of  fact,  I  have  been  told  that  he  has  done  a 
large  amount  of  work  for  us  and  is  a  splendid  chap. 

Later  he  confided  to  H ,  and  H confided 

to  us,  that  a  man  who  could  bring  a  well  bred  and 
valuable  Airedale  across  the  Atlantic  in  war  time 
could  not  possibly  do  any  work.  This  was  damning 
to  start  with,  but  it  is  easily  understood.  That  type 
of  man,  possessing  terrific  will  power  allied  to  well  de 
veloped  efficiency  who  has  reached  a  good  position, 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  21 

naturally  regards  with  a  certain  amount  of  contempt 
the  fellow  who  is  placed  upon  equality  with  him,  and 
who  has  not  had  similar  struggles.  However,  he  was 
very  kind  to  me,  and  endeavoured  to  hide  his  feelings, 
with  little  success,  alas ! 

I  spent  four  or  five  days  in  New  York.  I  went  to 
several  shows,  amongst  others  the  Winter  Garden 
and  Ziegf eld's  Follies;  they  were  very  interesting. 
The  scenery  at  the  latter  was  distinctly  original.  I 
do  not  know  very  much  about  art,  but  I  am  certain 
that  what  I  saw  would  come  under  the  heading  of 
the  Futurist  School.  There  was  a  great  deal  that 
was  thoroughly  amusing  and  interesting.  Americans 
seem  to  have  a  sense  of  fun  rather  than  a  sense  of 
humour.  Shakespeare  is  caricatured  a  great  deal.  I 
thought  that  much  of  the  dancing,  and  the  perform 
ance  of  the  chorus  generally,  bordered  on  the  risque. 
There  seems,  also,  to  be  a  type  of  comedienne  who 
comes  forward  and  talks  to  the  people  in  a  diverting 
way.  She  is  sometimes  about  forty  years  old,  makes 
no  attempt  to  look  beautiful,  but  just  says  deliciously 
funny  things.  She  is  often  seen  and  heard  in  America. 
I  have  also  seen  the  same  type  at  La  Cigale  in 
Montmartre. 

It  is  just  a  little  difficult  at  first  to  get  the  same 
sort  of  tobacco  here  that  one  gets  in  England.  The 
second  day  after  my  arrival  in  New  York,  I  went  into 
a  tobacconist  shop  to  buy  a  pipe  and  some  tobacco.  I 


22  OVER  HERE 

spent  about  six  dollars,  and  handed  the  man  behind 
the  counter  a  twenty  dollar  bill.  Obviously,  I  was  a 
little  unused  to  American  money,  but  I  naturally  ex 
pected  to  get  back  fourteen  dollars.  The  man  gave 
me  four  one  dollar  bills,  then  about  six  smaller  bills 
with  twenty-five  written  on  them,  and  prepared  to 
bow  me  out.  I  looked  at  the  change  and  saw  that  the 
poor  fellow  had  given  me  too  much.  Deciding  to  be 
honest  I  returned  to  him  and  said,  "  You  have  given 
me  wrong  change."  He  looked  unconcerned,  and  go 
ing  to  the  cash  register  subtracted  ten  more  one  dollar 
bills.  I  was  still  more  astonished  and  once  more  ex 
amined  my  change.  Then  I  understood  that  the  small 
bills  were  coupons,  and  the  clever  gentleman,  realizing 
that  I  was  a  stranger  and  a  little  worried,  had  en 
deavored  to  make  money.  Honesty  in  this  case 
proved  the  best  policy. 

I  enjoyed  these  days.  I  met  but  few  American 
people.  I  was  very  much  overcome  with  admiration 
for  New  York,  and  I  told  this  to  an  American  friend. 
He  seemed  pleased,  but  commenced  to  point  out  cer 
tain  drawbacks.  He  said  that  the  high  buildings 
were  rather  awkward  things,  and  that  people  walking 
about  on  the  pavement  below  were  sometimes  nearly 
blown  off  their  feet  during  a  gale.  They  formed 
canons.  He  said  that  the  lighting  problem  presented 
difficulties,  too,  and  that  he  thought  the  health  of  the 
people  might  suffer  a  little  if  their  days  were  spent  in 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  23 

artificial  light.  Still  he  unwillingly  admitted  that  he 
loved  New  York. 

The  stores  where  soft  drinks  are  sold  are  very 
charming.  The  drinks  are  wonderful  and  varied,  and 
one  sees  what  appear  to  be  women  of  quality  perched 
up  on  stools  drinking  what  look  to  be  the  most  de 
licious  drinks.  I  should  like  to  test  them,  and  I  will 
some  day  when  I  find  out  their  names. 

One  day  I  was  walking  down  Fifth  Avenue,  it  was 
very  hot,  so  I  entered  what  appeared  to  be  a  "  sweet  " 
shop.  Buxom,  handsome  young  women  were  behind 
the  long  counter,  so  I  approached  one  and  humbly 
asked  for  a  "lemon  squash."  "Wotsat?"  she 
barked,  and  looked  annoyed.  "  A  lemon  squash,"  I 
repeated.  She  seemed  to  think  that  I  was  insulting 
her,  and  her  friends  gathered  around.  Finally  I  said  : 
"  Give  me  anything  you  like  as  long  as  it  is  cool." 
"  Got  yer  check?  "  she  replied.  I  begged  her  pardon. 
Looking  furious,  she  indicated  a  small  desk  behind 
which  another  young!  lady  sat,  and  I  went  over  and 
confided  in  her.  She  smiled  and  explained  that  I 
really  wanted  a  lemonade  or  a  lemon  phosphate.  I 
denied  any  desire  for  a  lemon  phosphate.  Are  not 
phosphates  used  for  agricultural  purposes?  This 
young  lady  was  awfully  decent  and  said,  "  How  do 
you  like  York?  "  but  before  I  could  reply  she  said, 
"  York !  It's  the  finest  place  in  the  world."  I  said  I 
liked  it  very  much  indeed,  but  of  course  there  were 


24  OVER  HERE 

other  places,  and  what  sayeth  the  text,  "  One  star 
differeth  from  another  star  in  glory."  All  was  going 
well  until  "  Peanut,"  a  tall  animated  straw  I  had 
known  on  the  ship  rushed  in  laughing  like  a  jackass. 
He  seemed  to  regard  New  York  as  something  too 
funny  for  words,  and  giggled  like  an  idiot. 

Now  I  am  sure  that  these  young  ladies  must  be 
very  nice,  gentle,  tame  creatures  to  people  who  know 
them,  but  they  frighten  me.  I  desire  only  to  please, 
but  the  more  pleasantly  I  behave  to  them  the  more  I 
seem  to  insult  them.  Some  day  I  am  going  to  enter 
one  of  these  stores  and  bark  out  my  order  and  see 
what  happens. 

I  have  now  been  in  Bethlehem  about  two  weeks. 

P ,  a  sapper  subaltern,  conducted  me  down  to 

the  great  steel  town.  With  Jack  and  all  my  luggage 
we  left  New  York  at  nine  o'clock. 

In  order  to  get  to  Bethlehem  it  is  necessary  to 
cross  the  river  to  Jersey  City.  We  got  on  board  the 
ferry  boat  at  West  Twenty-third  Street,  and  after  a 
ten  minutes'  ride  in  the  large,  capacious  boat  we 
reached  Jersey  City.  The  trip  was  very  interesting. 
Arriving  at  Jersey  City,  we  had  a  good  deal  of  trouble 
with  Jack,  but  finally  got  him  safely  stowed  away  in  a 
baggage  van,  and  succeeded  in  finding  our  chairs  in 
the  Pullman.  This  was  my  first  experience  of  Ameri 
can  trains.  The  thing  I  was  most  conscious  of  was 
the  terrific  heat.  The  windows  were  open  but  gauze 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  25 

screens  made  to  keep  the  dust  out  succeeded  only  in 
keeping  most  of  the  fresh  air  from  entering.  I  do  not 
like  these  American  trains.  One  may  not  smoke  in 
the  coach,  but  anyone  desiring  to  do  so  must  retreat 
to  the  end  part  of  the  carriage  and  take  a  seat  in  a 
rather  small  compartment.  The  thing  that  one  is 
chiefly  conscious  of  on  entering  this  compartment  is 
the  presence  of  several  spittoons.  We  lunched  on  the 
train,  and  here  I  may  say  that  the  food  arrangements 
on  the  American  trains  are  excellent.  One  may  order 
almost  anything,  and  the  service  is  very  good.  It  is 
impossible  to  order  anything  stronger  than  lemonade, 
ginger  ale,  root  beer,  and  the  like;  however,  one  can 
get  ices  and  cool  things  generally  and,  of  course, 
"  Bevo,"  which  looks,  smells,  and  tastes  like  beer,  but 
it  "  hab  not  the  authority,"  as  the  coloured  porter 
said. 

After  a  little  over  two  hours'  journey  we  reached 
Bethlehem.  One's  first  impressions  of  the  town  are 
extremely  depressing.  Upon  alighting  from  the  train 
one  sees  old  bits  of  paper  lying  about,  banana  skins, 
peanut  shells,  dirt,  dust,  everything  unpleasant  and 
incidentally  a  very  untidy  looking  station  building. 
The  whole  appearance  around  the  place  is  suggestive 
not  merely  of  newness,  but  worn-out  newness.  I  felt 
that  life  in  Bethlehem,  judging  by  the  look  of  the 
station,  would  be  extremely  depressing. 

We  arrived  at  the  Inn,  while  our  luggage  came  on 


26  OVER  HERE 

in  a  wagon.  I  decided  to  stay  for  a  time  at  the 
Eagle  Hotel.  I  registered  and  asked  for  a  room 
"  with."  That  means  that  I  wanted  a  private  bath 
room.  The  clerk  on  this  occasion  was  a  good-looking 
boy  of  about  nineteen,  assisted  by  a  tall  very  pretty 
dark  young  lady. 

After  getting  settled  in  the  room  I  then  thought 
of  Jack,  and  a  negro  boy  offered  to  take  him  and 
lock  him  up  in  the  garage  behind  the  hotel.  This  was 
done  and  as  P —  -  and  I  walked  away  from  the  hotel 
we  could  hear  fierce  barking  and  yelping. 

At  the  Steel  Office,  I  met  one  or  two  of  the  Steel 
Company  officials  and  members  of  the  British  Inspec 
tion  Staff.  We  walked  about  throughout  the  plant 

and  P introduced  me  to  quite  a  number  of  the 

men.  Later  on  I  shall  tell  a  deal  about  this  great  Steel 
Company,  so  I  will  not  go  into  detailed  descriptions 
now. 

These  first  days  were  strange  and  ought  to  have 
been  interesting,  and  they  were  in  many  ways.  Beth 
lehem  is  a  strange  sort  of  town.  It  seems  to  be  divided 
by  a  wide,  shallow  stream  called  the  Lehigh.  On  one 
side  the  place  is  almost  suggestive  of  the  East,  or 
Southern  Europe.  There  seem  to  be  many  cheerful 
electric  signs  about,  and  the  streets  are  mostly  in  the 
form  of  avenues. 

I  think  that  I  will  not  describe  towns  and  places, 
but  rather  tell  of  the  people  I  meet  and  the  impres- 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  27 

sions  I  glean  of  their  characteristics.  Of  course, 
when  I  give  you  an  impression  it  will  be  a  purely  local 
one.  In  the  same  way  that  it  is  impossible  for  a 
stranger  in  England  to  judge  us  from  the  writings 
of  Arnold  Bennett  when  he  places  all  his  characters  in 
the  five  towns,  so  what  I  say  about  Bethlehem  will 
merely  tell  a  little  about  the  people  living  in  a  small 
town,  and  a  town  that  has  suddenly  grown  from  im 
portance  as  a  religious  centre  to  the  insignificance  of 
a  great  steel  city,  for  it  must  be  the  products  of  this 
city  that  will  interest  the  people  at  large.  Now  I  have 
lived  before  in  similar  cities  in  our  country,  and  I 
know  that  the  attendants  upon  great  steel  furnaces 
are  not  at  all  insignificant,  but  possess  all  the  inter 
esting  qualities  that  man  is  heir  to. 

I  had  a  scene  with  the  hotel  keeper  upon  my  first 
return  from  the  steel  plant.  He  hated  my  dog  and 
told  me  that  the  dog  and  I  together  made  an  impossi 
ble  combination  for  his  house,  and  that  I  might  stay 
if  I  insisted,  but  not  with  the  dog. 

There  was  nowhere  else  to  go  so  I  decided  that 
Jack  would  have  to  leave  me.  I  hated  it,  but  finally 
came  to  the  conclusion  that  for  a  person  seriously 
inclined  to  serve  his  country  in  America,  a  dog  ap 
proached  being  a  nuisance.  The  petty  official  Ameri 
can  people  don't  seem  to  treat  a  dog  with  a  great 
amount  of  respect. 

Fortunately,  a  friend — one  of  the  steel  officials — 


28  OVER  HERE 

offered  to  look  after  him.  Jack  will  guard  the  steel 
official's  house  and  will  have  a  happy  home ;  so  that  is 
all  right. 

Opposite  the  Eagle  Hotel  is  a  large  square  sort 
of  building  with  a  low  tower.  From  the  base  of  the 
tower  rise  about  eight  pillars  which  support  the  bel 
fry  above,  thus  forming  an  open  platform. 

At  an  early  hour,  one  morning,  I  was  awakened  by 
an  extraordinary  noise.  At  first  it  reminded  me  of  a 
salvation  army  band  being  played,  not  very  well.  As 
I  awoke  the  music  seemed  familiar  and  my  mind  at 
once  jumped  back  to  New  Zealand  days  when  I  be 
longed  to  a  Bach  Society  in  which  we  found  great  diffi 
culty  in  singing  anything  but  the  chorales,  owing  to 
the  smallness  of  our  numbers.  I  got  up  and  going  to 
the  window  saw  a  number  of  men  standing  on  the  plat 
form  blowing  trombones  with  some  earnestness.  They 
played  several  of  Bach's  chorales  and  then  ceased. 
The  general  effect  was  pleasing. 

After  breakfast  I  asked  the  landlord  what  the 
building  opposite  was,  and  he  said  it  was  the  Moravian 
church.  He  told  me  that  the  Moravians  had  been 
in  Bethlehem  for  a  long  time,  and  agreed  that  they 
were  a  sect  of  sorts.  I  had  often  heard  of  strange 
sects  generating  in  America  like  the  Mennonites  and 
Christian  Scientists ;  the  Moravians  must  be  a  similar 
sect. 

I  am  feeling  a  little  lonely  here.     I  never  meet 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  29 

any  of  my  countrymen.     I  suppose  that  they  are 

very  busy  with  their  families,  and  B ,  who  has 

been  showing!  me  much  attention,  is  away  at  the 
Pocono  Mountains  with  some  friends.  I  heard  to 
day  that  most  of  the  people  were  returning  from 
summer  resorts  quite  soon,  so  perhaps  they  may 
prove  interesting.  I  have  met  quite  a  number  of  the 

steel  men.    L has  very  kindly  allowed  me  to  have 

a  desk  in  his  office.  He  seems  a  decent  sort  of  chap. 
I  feel,  however,  that  I  may  be  in  his  way,  but  he  does 
not  seem  to  mind,  so  I  suppose  it  is  all  right. 

On  Friday  morning  last,  while  I  was  dressing  I 
heard  a  band  approaching  and  completing  my  toilet 
I  stepped  out  on  to  the  balcony  and  saw  an  extra 
ordinary  sight.  First  of  all  appeared  two  men  rid 
ing  horses  with  untidy  manes,  but  wearing  an  impor 
tant  aspect.  Following  them  came  a  band  playing  a 
stately  march,  but  cheerful.  Then  came  a  wonderful 
procession  of  gentlemen  wearing  spotlessly  white 
breeches,  white  blazers  edged  with  purple,  straw  hats 
with  a  purple  band  and  parasols  made  of  purple  and 
white  cloth.  Each  quarter  of  the  umbrella  was  either 
white  or  purple.  They  marched  in  open  formation 
keeping  perfect  time.  The  whole  effect  was  extremely 
decorative.  There  were  several  hundred  of  them.  I 
have  heard  since  that  they  are  the  Elks,  a  sort  of 
secret  society,  and  they  were  having  a  demonstration 
at  Reading. 


30  OVER  HERE 

The  tradesmen,  and  indeed  all  the  people  in  Beth 
lehem,  love  to  process.  (I  realize  the  vulgarity  of  the 
verb  "  process,"  but  I  have  got  to  use  it.)  Each  Elk 
looked  thoroughly  happy  and  contented.  I  suppose 
the  climate  of  this  place  is  telling  on  the  people.  It 
would  be  difficult  to  imagine  our  tradesmen  and  busi 
ness  men  doing  a  similar  thing.  I  believe  the  idea  is  to 
keep  up  enthusiasm.  American  men  realize  the  tre 
mendous  value  of  enthusiasm  and  they  seek  to  ex 
ploit  it.  They  know,  too,  how  we  humans  all  love  to 
dress  up,  and  so  they  do  dress  up.  The  people  look 
ing  on  love  to  see  it  all,  and  no  one  laughs.  I  don't 
quite  know  what  the  Elks  exist  for,  but  I  suppose  they 
form  a  mutual  benefit  society  of  sorts.  I  was  thrilled 
with  the  performance,  and  hoped. that  similar  pro 
cessions  would  pass  often. 

My  work  at  the  office,  and  throughout  the  shops 
keeps  me  very  busy.  It  is  all  very  new  and  I  feel 
in  a  strange  world.  However,  everywhere  I  go  I  am 
met  with  the  most  wonderful  kindness  imaginable. 

The  people  seem  very  interested  in  the  war.  It  is 
difficult  to  get  a  true  viewpoint  of  their  attitude  here. 
I  was  not  deceived  when  a  fat  looking  mature  man 
said  with  a  hoarse  laugh  that  the  United  States  defi 
nition  of  neutrality  was  that  "  They  didn't  give  a 
hang  who  licked  the  Kaiser  first."  Another  American 
observed  bitterly,  "  As  long  as  Uncle  Sam  hasn't  got 
to  do  it."  So  far  as  I  can  see,  the  more  careless 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  31 

people  are  perfectly  content  to  carry  on  and  are  not 
very  interested  except  to  regard  the  war  as  a  rather 
stale  thrill.  People  of  this  type  regard  a  decent  mur 
der  or  a  fire  in  the  same  way. 

The  more  thoughtful  are  not  quite  sure.  They 
have  studied  history  and  want  to  stick  to  Washing 
ton's  advice  in  regard  to  entangling  alliances.  They 
feel  that  we  will  be  able  to  lick  the  Boche  all  right, 
and  they  are  with  us  in  the  struggle.  The  entirely 
careless  and  futile  persons  take  different  attitudes 
each  day.  They  sometimes  "  root "  for  us,  espe 
cially  France,  whom  they  regard  as  very  much 
America's  friend.  At  other  times  they  take  a  de 
pressed  view,  and  think  that  the  Boche  will  win  the 
war.  They  sometimes  wax  rude  and  make  that  pecu 
liarly  insulting  statement  about  the  British  fighting 
until  the  last  Frenchman  dies. 

I  have  not  met  many  women  here,  but  the  few  I 
have  met  seem  to  regard  us  as  fools  to  fight  over  noth 
ing.  Nevertheless,  they  sympathize  with  our  suffer 
ings,  as  women  will.  I  met  one  lady  last  night  who 
seemed  to  think  that  America  would  be  drawn  into 
the  war  owing  to  French  and  British  intrigue,  and 
she  expressed  thanks  to  a  good  Providence  who  had 
made  her  son's  eyes  a  little  wrong  so  that  she  would 
not  lose  him.  She  thinks  that  he  will  not  be  able  to  do 
much  shooting.  They  are  all  very  nice  to  me,  and 
everywhere  I  go  it  seems  impossible  for  the  people 


32  OVER  HERE 

to  show  too  much  kindness.  I  am  astonished  at  the 
beauty  of  the  houses  here.  They  are  all  tastefully 
furnished  and  one  misses  the  display  of  wealth.  The 
houses  don't  seem  to  be  divided  into  rooms  quite 
like  English  houses.  Portieres  often  divide  apart 
ment  from  apartment,  and  upon  festive  occasions  the 
whole  bottom  floor  can  be  turned  into  one  large  room. 
The  effect  is  pleasing,  but  one  perhaps  misses  a  cer 
tain  snugness,  and  it  must  be  difficult  for  the  ser 
vants  not  to  hear  everything  that  goes  on.  Perhaps 
the  American  people  think  it  is  a  good  idea  to  let 
their  servants  hear  the  truth,  knowing  that  they  will 
find  out  most  things  in  any  case. 

On  the  other  side  of  the  river  and  around  the 
steel  plant  the  people  seem  definitely  foreign,  and 
it  is  quite  easy  to  imagine  oneself  in  a  Southern  Euro 
pean  town.  The  shops  have  Greek,  Russian,  Italian, 
Hungarian,  and  German  signs  over  their  doors.  It  is 
unnecessary  to  look  into  the  store  in  order  to  find  out 
what  is  being  sold.  One  need  only  look  into  the  ditch 
running  beside  the  pavement.  Masses  of  rotting 
orange  and  banana  skins  will  show  a  fruit  store. 
Much  straw  and  old  pieces  of  cardboard  with  lengths 
of  pink  tape  will  indicate  a  draper's.  Tufts  of  hair 
and  burnt  out  matches  will  show  where  the  barber 
shop  is. 

The  people  all  spit  about  the  streets  in  this  part 
of  the  town.  I  suppose  the  streets  are  cleaned  some- 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  33 

times,  but  never  very  well.  At  any  rate,  the  whole 
mass  is  mixed  up  together  in  the  mud  and  slush  which 
accumulates,  and  when  this  dries  it  is  blown  into  the 
air  and  any  citizen  passing  breathes  it.  The  roads  in 
this  part  of  the  town  are  full  of  shell  craters  and 
one  is  bumped  to  pieces  as  one  motors  along.  I  have 
been  told  that  this  cannot  well  be  helped. 

The  steel  plant  has  caused  a  terrific  influx  of 
people  and  it  is  impossible  to  house  them  all.  A 
doctor  chap  tells  me  that  in  many  large  rooming 
houses  a  bed  has  always  at  least  two  occupants  during 
the  twenty-four  hours.  When  the  man  goes  off  to 
work  in  the  morning,  the  fellow  who  has  been  working 
on  night  shift  takes  his  place.  I  believe  that  soon  the 
two  parts  of  this  town  are  going  to  join  and  that  then 
they  will  form  a  city  which  will  be  able  to  borrow 
enough  money  to  keep  the  place  in  first  class  order. 
The  people  are  not  poor  and  indeed  there  are  some 
times  quite  thrilling  murders,  I  have  heard,  for  the 
ignorant  foreigners  keep  all  their  money  in  a  chest 
under  their  beds  or  hidden  in  some  way.  I  hear  that 
this  was  caused  by  clever  German  propaganda.  The 
Boche  envoys  went  about  and  suggested  to  the  people 
that  if  the  United  States  entered  the  war  they  would 
soon  be  strafed  by  the  fatherland,  and  that  in  any 
case,  the  Government  would  pinch  all  of  their  money. 

Opposite  the  steel  works  office  there  are  two 
photographic  studios.  All  the  people  photographed 

3 


34  OVER  HERE 

are  of  Southern  European  blood.  One  sees  happy 
brides,  merry  babies,  and  last,  but  not  least,  many 
corpses  surrounded  by  sad  but  interested  relatives. 
When  one  of  these  foreigners  dies  things  change  for 
him  at  once.  He  is  placed  in  a  beautiful  coffin,  lined 
with  the  most  comfortable  looking  fluffy  figured  satin. 
His  head  rests  on  a  great  big  cushion.  The  side  of  the 
coffin,  called  here  a  casket,  is  hinged  and  falls  down, 
thus  forming  a  couch,  on  which  the  dead  person  rests. 
Before  the  funeral,  all  the  friends,  and  whoever  can 
get  there  in  time,  group  themselves  around  the  corpse 
and  are  photographed.  If  the  coffin  is  not  a  very 
convenient  type,  it  is  raised,  and  one  sees  the  corpse, 
dressed  in  his  best  clothes,  with  a  watch  chain  across 
his  waistcoat,  surrounded  by  all  his  friends  who,  I  am 
sure,  are  looking  their  best.  Sometimes  a  sweet  wee 
baby  can  be  seen  in  the  picture,  lying  in  its  expensive 
coffin,  while  the  father  and  mother  and  the  other  chil 
dren  stand  near.  It  is  a  funny  idea  and  a  little  horri 
ble,  I  think.  These  gruesome  photographs  are  ex 
posed  in  the  front  window.  It  is  a  curious  thing  that 
the  more  ignorant  amongst  us  seem  to  enjoy  a  good 
funeral. 

I  expect,  that  within  a  couple  of  years,  this  town 
will  be  a  beautiful  city  with  parks  and  good  roads. 
The  climate  is  certainly  good  and  the  hills  around 
are  fine.  The  steel  company  now  dominates  the 
place,  business  has  taken  charge  of  the  people  here, 


ENTRANCE  TO  THE  "HOLY  CITY"  35 

but  the  natural  beauty  of  this  spot  can  never  be 
changed.  Let  me  quote  from  the  writings  of  a  man 
who  arrived  here  many  years  ago.  He  was  very 
much  impressed  with  the  beauty  of  the  hills: 

"  The  high  hills  around  Bethlehem  in  the  month  of 
October  present  a  scene  of  gorgeous  beauty  almost 
beyond  description.  The  foliage  of  the  trees  contains 
all  the  tints  of  the  rainbow,  but  is  even  more  beau 
tiful,  if  that  is  possible,  because  the  colours  are  more 
diffused.  Some  trees,  the  pine,  the  hemlock,  and  the 
laurel  still  retain  their  vivid  green ;  the  sycamore  its 
sombre  brown ;  the  maple,  the  beauty  of  the  wood  and 
valley,  is  parti  coloured;  its  leaves,  green  at  first, 
soon  turn  into  a  brilliant  red  and  yellow ;  the  sturdy 
oak  is  clothed  in  purple,  the  gum  is  dressed  in  brilliant 
red;  the  sumac  bushes  are  covered  with  leaves  of 
brightest  crimson ;  the  beech  with  those  of  a  delicate 
pale  yellow  almost  white;  the  chestnut  a  buff;  while 
the  noble  hickory  hangs  with  golden  pendants;  the 
dogwood  has  its  deep  rich  red  leaves  and  clusters  of 
berries  of  a  brighter  red." 

In  spite  of  the  great  steel  plant,  Bethlehem  still 
nests  in  a  very  lovely  valley,  and  during  the  autumn 
the  hills  are  just  as  gorgeously  beautiful  as  when  John 
Hill  Martin,  the  writer  of  the  above,  visited  the  town. 


Ill 

SOCIAL  AMENITIES  IN  "BACK   BILLETS" 

BETHLEHEM,  December  20,  1917. 

A  COUNTRY  CLUB  seems  to  be  an  American  insti 
tution.  We  don't  seem  to  have  them.  They  are 
primarily  for  the  folk  who  live  in  towns.  American 
folk  like  to  get  together  as  much  as  possible  and  to  be 
sociable.  Please  remember  that  all  my  friends  here 
are  steel  people  and  generally  rich.  Some  belong  to 
quite  old  families,  but  whatever  they  are  they  have  all 
got  something  attractive  about  them. 

It  would  be  quite  possible  for  most  of  them  to 
build  huge  castles  in  the  country,  and  to  live  there 
during  the  summer,  away  out  from  the  noise  and  dirt ; 
but  they  don't.  They  like  to  be  all  together,  so  they 
build  beautiful  houses  quite  close  up  to  the  street, 
with  no  fences  around  them.  Pleasant  and  well  kept 
lawns  go  right  down  to  the  road,  and  anyone  can  walk 
on  the  grass.  A  single  street  possibly  contains  the 
houses  of  several  wealthy  families.  They  all  rush 
about  together  and  give  wonderful  dinners.  As  their 
number  is  not  great,  the  diners  ought  to  get  a  little 
tired  of  one  another,  but  they  don't  seem  to.  I  have 
had  the  honour  of  attending  many  of  these  dinners. 
They  are  fine.  The  women  dress  beautifully,  and  often 
36 


SOCIALYAMENITIES  37 

tastefully  and  the  dinner  goes  merrily  on,  everyone 
talking  at  once.  We  are  all  fearfully  happy  and 
young.  No  one  grows  up  here  in  America.  It's  fine 
to  feel  young.  We  start  off  in  quite  a  dignified 
fashion,  but  before  the  chicken  or  goose  arrives  we 
are  all  happy  and  cheerful. 

It  is  impossible  to  be  bored  in  Bethlehem  at  a  good 
dinner.  I  suppose  the  object  of  a  hostess  is  to  make 
her  guests  happy.  Most  men  here  in  Jericho  work 
fearfully  hard.  Men  in  England  often  go  to  Paris 
or  London  to  have  a  really  hilarious  time.  In  Beth 
lehem  a  man  can  be  amused  at  home  with  his  own  wife 
and  friends,  and  he  certainly  is.  He  may  be  fifty  and  a 
king  of  industry,  but  that  does  not  prevent  him  from 
being  the  j  oiliest  fellow  in  the  world  and  brimming 
over  with  fun. 

Perhaps  Bethlehem  is  a  little  different  from  most 
towns  in  this  country.  A  man  here  becomes  rich ; 
he  has  attained  riches  generally  because  he  is  a  thun 
dering  good  fellow — a  leader  of  men.  That  is  the 
point.  One  used  to  think  of  a  wealthy  American  man 
as  a  rather  vulgar  person  with  coarse  manners. 
American  men  have  good  manners,  as  a  rule.  They 
have  better  manners  than  we  have,  especially  towards 
women. 

Now  the  folk  like  to  be  in  the  country  at  times, 
but  they  don't  care  to  be  alone  in  enjoying  it. 
Also,  they  like  golf  and  tennis,  so  a  club  is  estab- 


38  OVER  HERE 

lished  about  six  miles  out  from  a  town.  The  actual 
building  is  large  and  tastefully  decorated.  It  dis 
plays  American  architecture  at  its  very  best.  There 
are  generally  three  large  rooms  with  folding  doors  or 
portieres,  and  beautifully  carpeted.  The  whole  floor 
can  be  turned  into  a  dancing  room  with  tables  all 
around,  so  that  one  may  both  dance  and  eat.  Dinner 
starts  off  mildly;  one  gets  through  the  soup,  looks 
at  one's  partner  and  mentally  decides  how  many 
dances  one  will  have  with  her.  She  may  be  fat, 
slender,  skinny,  beautiful;  she  may  be  old,  middle 
aged,  or  a  flapper,  but  whatever  she  is  she  can  dance. 
It  is  all  interesting.  If  one's  partner  is  nineteen  or 
twenty  she  can  dance  well,  and  it  behooves  a  new  man 
to  be  careful. 

I  can  dance  the  English  waltz,  I  believe,  but  I 
can't  at  present  dance  anything  else  but  the  one- 
step.  I  find  this  exhilarating,  but  I  have  to  confine 
myself  to  ladies  of  thirty-five  and  upwards,  who  real 
ize  the  situation,  and  we  dash  around  in  a  cheerful 
manner,  much  to  the  annoyance  of  the  debutante.  I 
have  not  danced  with  any  very  young  people  yet. 
I  would  not  dare. 

If  you  are  a  particularly  bad  dancer,  after  the 
first  halt,  caused  by  the  orchestra  stopping,  a  young 
male  friend  of  hers  will  "  cut  in  "  on  you,  and  you  are 
left,  and  your  opportunity  of  dancing  with  madem 
oiselle  for  more  than  one  length  of  the  room  is  gone. 


SOCIAL  AMENITIES  39 

American  young  men  will  never  allow  a  debutante  to 
suffer.  In  any  case  she  arranges  with  a  batch  of 
young  friends  to  "  cut  in  "  if  you  are  seen  dancing 
with  her.  It  is  all  done  very  gracefully.  To  dance 
with  an  American  debutante  requires  skill.  She 
dances  beautifully.  Her  body  swings  gracefully  with 
the  music,  her  feet  seem  to  be  elastic.  At  all  costs 
you  must  not  be  at  all  rough.  You  must  let  your 
feet  become  as  elastic  as  hers  and  delicately  and  gently 
swing  with  the  music. 

Although  the  fox-trot  and  the  one-step  are  now 
in  vogue,  there  is  nothing  that  is  not  nice  about  these 
dances  when  danced  by  two  young  people.  If  your 
partner  is  a  good  dancer  it  is  impossible  to  dance 
for  very  long  with  her.  A  sturdy  swain  approaches 
with  a  smile  and  says  to  you,  "  May  I  cut  in?  " 
She  bows  gracefully  and  you  are  lost.  At  all  costs 
this  must  be  taken  cheerfully.  The  first  time  it 
occurred  to  me  I  replied,  "  Certainly  not."  I  now 
know  that  I  was  guilty  of  a  breach  of  etiquette. 

If  you  are  dancing  with  an  indifferent  dancer, 
there  is  no  danger  of  being  "  cut  in  "  on.  If  your 
object  in  dancing  with  a  lady  is  purely  a  matter  of 
duty,  you  shamelessly  arrange  with  several  friends  to 
"  cut  in  "  on  you,  meanwhile  promising  to  do  likewise 
for  them.  Ungallant  this,  but  it  ensures  the  lady 
having  a  dance  with  several  people  which  perhaps 
she  would  not  otherwise  get,  and  she  understands. 


40  OVER  HERE 

Generally  speaking;  there  are  no  "  wall  flowers."  They 
retire  upstairs  to  powder  their  noses. 

There  is  the  mature  lady,  fair,  fat  and  forty, 
who  dances  about  with  a  cheery  fellow  her  own  age. 
Enjoyment  shines  from  their  faces  as  they  one-step, 
suggesting  a  quick  stately  march  let  loose.  The  lady 
wears  a  broad  hat  suitably  decorated  and  a  "  shirt 
waist  "  of  fitting  dimensions.  A  string  of  pearls  en 
circles  her  neck.  One  sees  charming  stockings,  and 
beautiful  shoes  covering  quite  small  feet.  This  must 
be  a  great  compensation  to  a  woman  at  her  prime — 
her  feet.  They  can  be  made  charming  when  nicely 
decorated.  The  face  is  generally  good  looking  and 
sometimes  looks  suitably  wicked.  It  is  well  powdered, 
and  perhaps  just  a  little  rouged.  One  sees  some  won 
derful  diamonds,  too. 

Perhaps  I  have  seen  things  just  a  little  vaguely 
owing  to  American  cocktails.  We  can't  make  cock 
tails  in  England  as  they  do  in  America,  and  that  is  a 
fact.  The  very  names  given  to  them  here  are  attrac 
tive:  Jack  Rose,  Clover  Club,  Manhattan,  Bronx, 
and  numerous  others.  They  are  well  decorated,  too. 

The  really  exciting  time  at  a  country  club  is  on 
Saturday  night.  In  Bethlehem  where  there  are  no 
theatres,  all  the  fashionable  folk  motor  out  to  the 
country  club  for  dinner.  Generally  the  dancing  space 
is  fairly  crowded  and  a  little  irritating!  for  the  debu 
tantes.  Still  they  are  quite  good-natured  about  it 


SOCIAL  AMENITIES  41 

and  only  smile  when  a  large  freight  locomotive  in  the 
form  of  mama  and  papa  collides  with  them. 

After  about  fifteen  minutes,  while  one  is  eating  an 
entree,  the  music  starts,  and  if  your  partner  consents, 
you  get  up  and  dance  for  about  ten  minutes  and  then 
return  to  the  entree,  now  cold.  This  goes  on  during 
the  whole  dinner.  I  wonder  if  it  aids  digestion. 

After  dinner  we  all  leave  the  tables  and  spread 
ourselves  about  the  large  rooms.  The  ladies  gen 
erally  sit  about,  and  the  men  go  downstairs.  This 
presents  possibilities.  However,  most  of  one's  time  is 
spent  upstairs  with  the  women  folk.  Dancing  gen 
erally  goes  on  until  about  midnight,  and  then  the 
more  fashionable  among  us  go  into  the  house  of  a 
couple  of  bachelors.  Here  we  sit  about  and  have 
quite  diverting  times.  Finally  at  about  two  o'clock 
we  adjourn  to  our  respective  homes  and  awake  in  the 
morning  a  little  tired.  However,  this  is  compensated 
for  by  the  cocktail  party  the  next  day. 

What  pitfalls  there  are  for  the  unwary ! 

One  night,  during  a  party  at  the  club,  a  very 
great  friend  of  mine  asked  me  to  come  over  to  her 
house  at  noon  the  next  day.  I  took  this,  in  my  ignor 
ance,  to  be  an  invitation  to  lunch,  and  the  next  morn 
ing  I  called  her  up  and  said  that  I  had  forgotten  at 
what  time  she  expected  me  to  lunch.  "  Come  along 
at  twelve  o'clock,  Mac,"  she  replied.  I  found  crowds 
of  people  there  and  wondered  how  they  were  all  going 


42  OVER  HERE 

to  be  seated  at  the  table,  and  then  I  understood.  I 
tried  to  leave  with  the  others  at  about  twelve  forty- 
five,  but  my  hostess  told  me  that  she  expected  me  to 
stay  for  lunch.  Of  course,  she  had  to  do  this,  owing 
to  my  mentioning  lunch  when  I  called  up.  Still  it  was 
a  little  awkward. 

About  cocktail  parties — well,  I  don't  quite  know. 
I  rather  suspect  that  they  are  bad  things.  They 
always  seem  to  remind  me  of  the  remark  in  the  Bible 
about  the  disciples  when  they  spake  with  tongues  and 
some  one  said :  "  These  men  are  wine  bibbers."  I 
rather  think  that  cocktail  parties  are  a  form  of  wine 
bibbing.  Still  they  play  an  important  part  in  the 
life  of  some  people,  and  I  had  better  tell  you  about 
them.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  quite  a  large  number 
of  people  at  a  cocktail  party  don't  drink  cock 
tails  at  all,  and  in  any  case,  they  are  taken  in  a  very 
small  shallow  glass.  The  sort  one  usually  gets  at  a 
cocktail  party  is  the  Bronx  or  Martini  variety.  The 
former  consists,  I  believe,  largely  of  gin  and  orange 
juice  and  has  a  very  cheering  effect.  People  mostly 
walk  about  and  chat  about  nothing  in  particular. 
They  are  generally  on  their  way  home  from  church 
and  nicely  dressed. 

It  is  unpleasant  to  see  girls  drinking  cocktails. 
Our  breeding  gives  us  all  a  certain  reserve  of  strength 
to  stick  to  our  ideals.  A  few  cocktails,  sometimes 
even  one,  helps  to  knock  this  down  and  the  results 


SOCIAL  AMENITIES  43 

are  often  regrettable.  People  talk  about  things 
sometimes  that  are  usually  regarded  as  sacred  and 
there  are  children  about,  for  the  next  in  power  after 
madame  in  an  American  household  is  the  offspring 
of  the  house.  Still  quite  nice  American  girls  drink 
cocktails,  although  nearly  always  their  men  folk  dis 
like  it.  In  Bethlehem,  however,  I  have  never  seen  a 
girl  friend  drink  anything  stronger  than  orangeade. 
That  is  what  I  love  about  my  friends  in  Bethlehem. 
Some  of  them  have  had  a  fairly  hard  struggle  to  get 
on.  They  don't  whine  about  it  or  even  boast,  but 
they  are  firmly  decided  in  their  effort  to  give  their 
daughters  every  opportunity  to  be  even  more  per 
fect  gentlewomen  than  they  are  naturally.  Still 
some  quite  young  American  girls  drink  cocktails 
and  then  become  quite  amusing  and  very  witty, 
and  one  decides  that  they  are  priceless  companions, 
but  out  of  the  question  as  wives. 

When  a  Britisher  marries  a  French  or  a  Spanish 
girl,  there  are  often  difficulties  before  she  becomes 
accustomed  to  her  new  environment.  Neither  Amer 
ican  people  nor  English  people  expect  any  difficulties 
at  all  when  their  children  intermarry.  And  yet  they 
do  occur,  and  are  either  humourous  or  tragic,  quite 
often  the  latter.  So  I  would  say  to  the  Britisher,  If 
you  ever  marry  an  American  girl,  look  out.  She 
will  either  be  the  very  best  sort  of  wife  a  man 
could  possibly  have,  or  she  will  be  the  other  thing. 


44  OVER  HERE 

It  will  be  necessary  for  you  to  humour  her  as  much 
as  possible.  Like  a  horse  with  a  delicate  mouth,  she 
requires  good  hands.  Don't  marry  her  unless  you 
love  her.  Don't  marry  her  for  her  money,  or  you  will 
regret  it.  She  is  no  fool  and  she  will  expect  full  value 
for  all  she  gives.  The  terrible  thing  is  that  she  may 
believe  you  to  be  a  member  of  the  aristocracy,  and  she 
will  expect  to  go  about  in  the  very  best  society  in 
London.  If  you  are  not  a  member  of  the  smart  set 
and  take  her  to  live  in  the  country  she  may  like  it  all 
right,  but  the  chances  are  that  she  will  cry  a  good 
deal,  get  a  bad  cold,  which  will  develop  into  consump 
tion,  and  possibly  die  if  you  don't  take  her  back  to 
New  York.  She  will  never  understand  the  vicar's 
wife  and  the  lesser  country  gentry,  and  she  will  loathe 
the  snobbishness  of  some  of  the  county  people.  In 
the  process,  she  will  find  you  out,  and  may  heaven  help 
you  for,  as  Solomon  said :  "  It  is  better  to  live  on  the 
housetop  than  inside  with  a  brawling  woman,"  and 
she  will  brawl  all  right.  I  have  heard  of  some  bitter 
experiences  undergone  by  young  American  women. 

There  is,  of  course,  no  reason  in  the  world  why 
an  English  fellow  should  not  marry  an  American  girl 
if  he  is  fond  of  her  and  she  will  have  him.  But  it  is  a 
little  difficult.  Sometimes  a  Britisher  arrives  here 
with  a  title  and  is  purchased  by  a  young  maiden  with 
much  money,  possibly  several  millions,  and  he  takes 
her  back  to  Blighty.  Some  American  girls  are  fool- 


SOCIAL  AMENITIES  45 

ish.  The  people  perhaps  dislike  her  accent  and  her 
attitude  towards  things  in  general.  He  does  not 
know  it,  of  course,  but  she  has  not  been  received  by 
the  very  nicest  people  in  her  own  city,  not  because 
they  despise  her,  but  merely  because  they  find  the 
people  they  have  known  all  their  lives  sufficient.  You 
see  it  is  a  little  difficult  for  the  child.  In  America  she 
has  been,  with  the  help  of  her  mother  perhaps,  a  social 
mountaineer.  Social  mountaineering  is  not  a  pleasing 
experience  for  anyone,  especially  in  America,  but  we 
all  do  it  a  little,  I  suppose.  It  is  a  poor  sort  of  busi 
ness  and  hardly  worth  while.  When  this  child  ar 
rives  in  England  she  may  be  definitely  found  wanting 
in  the  same  way  that  she  may  have  been  found  want 
ing  in  American  society,  and  she  is  naturally  disap 
pointed  and  annoyed.  When  annoyed  she  will  take 
certain  steps  that  will  shock  the  vicar's  wife,  and  pos 
sibly  she  will  elope  with  the  chauffeur,  all  of  which 
will  be  extremely  distressing,  though  it  will  be  the 
fellow's  own  fault.  Of  course,  she  may  love  him  quite 
a  lot,  but  she  will  probably  never  understand  him. 
I  am  not  sure  that  she  will  always  be  willing  to 
suffer.  Why  should  she  ? 


IV 

"VERY'S  LIGHTS" 
BETHLEHEM,  December  20,  1917. 

I  AM  steadily  becoming  a  movie  "  fan,"  which 
means  that  when  Douglas  Fairbanks,  or  Charlie  Chap 
lin,  or  other  cheerful  people  appear  on  the  screen  at 
the  Lorenz  theatre  at  Bethlehem  I  appear  sitting 
quite  close  up  and  enjoying  myself.  It  is  all  very  in 
teresting.  One  sort  of  gets  to  know  the  people,  and  in 
deed  to  like  them.  The  movies  have  taken  up  quite  a 
large  part  of  our  lives  in  this  burgh.  One  has  got  to 
do  something,  and  if  one  is  a  lone  bachelor,  sitting  at 
home  presents  but  few  attractions.  The  people  in 
film  land  are  all  interesting. 

There  is  the  social  leader.  I  always  love  her. 
Her  magnificent  and  haughty  mien  thrills  me  always, 
as  with  snowy  hair,  decent  jewels  and  what  not,  she 
proceeds  to  impress  the  others  in  film  land.  I  am 
not  going  to  talk  about  the  vampire. 

Film  stories  can  be  divided  into  three  classes — 
the  wild  and  woolly,  the  crazy  ones,  as  we  call  them 
here,  and  the  society  dramas  with  a  human  interest; 
and,  I  forgot,  the  crook  stories. 

The  wild  and  woolly  ones  are  delightful.  John 
Devereaux,  bored  with  his  New  York  home,  and  his 
46 


VERY'S  LIGHTS  47 

gentle  and  elegant  mother,  decides  to  visit  a  friend 
out  west.  He  arrives  in  a  strange  cart  which  looks 
like  a  spider  on  wheels  driven  by  a  white  haired  per 
son  wearing  a  broad  brimmed  hat  and  decorated  with 
several  pistols  or  even  only  one.  He  seems  to  find 
himself  almost  at  once  in  a  dancing  hall,  where  wicked- 
looking  though  charming  young  ladies  are  dancing 
with  fine  handsome  young  fellows,  all  armed  to  the 
teeth,  and  with  their  hair  nicely  parted.  In  the  cor 
ner  of  the  room  is  the  boss,  sinister  and  evil  looking, 
talking  to  as  nice  looking  a  young  person  as  one  could 
possibly  meet.  The  dancing  seems  to  stop,  and  then 
follows  a  "  close  up  "  of  the  nice  looking  young  per 
son.  (A  little  disappointing  this  "  close  up."  A 
little  too  much  paint  mademoiselle,  n'est  ce  pas,  on  the 
lips  and  under  the  eyes?)  Then  a  "  close  up  "  of  the 
boss.  This  is  very  thrilling  and  the  widest  possibili 
ties  of  terrible  things  shortly  to  happen  are  presented 
to  us  fans,  as  we  see  him  chew  his  cigar  and  move  it 
from  one  side  of  his  mouth  to  the  other.  They  both 
discuss  John  Devereaux  and  then  follows  a  "  close 
up  "  of  our  hero.  He  is  certainly  good  looking,  and 
his  fine  well-made  sporting  suit  fits  him  well  and 
shows  off  his  strong  figure. 

But  wait  till  you  see  him  on  a  horse  which  has 
not  a  good  figure,  but  an  extremely  useful  mouth 
that  can  be  tugged  to  pieces  by  John  Devereaux  as 
he  wheels  him  around.  I  am  going  to  start  a  mission 


48  OVER  HERE 

to  movie  actors  in  horse  management,  and  I  am  going 
to  dare  to  tell  them  that  to  make  a  horse  come  round 
quickly  and  still  be  able  to  use  him  for  many  years,  it 
is  not  necessary  to  jag  his  dear  old  mouth  to  bits.  I 
am  also  going  to  teach  them  how  to  feed  a  horse  so 
that  his  bones  don't  stick  out  in  parts  even  if  he  is  a 
wicked  looking  pie-bald.  I  am  also  going  to  teach 
them  that  if  you  have  twelve  miles  to  ride  it  is  an 
awful  thing  to  jag  your  spurs  into  his  flanks  and 
make  him  go  like  hell.  I  suppose  they  will  enjoy  my 
mission,  and  it  will  have  the  same  success  that  all 
missions  have — but  this  by  the  way. 

John  Devereaux  is  a  very  handsome  chap,  and  I 
like  him  from  the  start,  and  I  am  greatly  comforted 
when  I  know  that  the  charming  young  person  will 
throw  her  fan  in  the  face  of  the  boss,  pinch  all  his 
money  and  live  for  a  few  sad  days  in  extremely  old- 
fashioned  but  becoming  clothes  (generally  a  striped 
waist)  with  another  worthy  but  poor  friend,  and  then 
marry  our  hero.  I  come  away  greatly  comforted 
and  retire,  feeling  that  the  world  without  romance 
would  be  a  dull  place. 

I  love  the  crazy  ones,  I  love  to  see  fat  old  ladies 
taking  headers  into  deep  ponds.  I  love  to  see  inno 
cent  fruit  sellers  getting  run  into  by  Henry  Ford 
motors.  I  love  to  see  dozens  of  policemen  massing 
and  then  suddenly  leaving  their  office  and  rushing  like 
fury  along  the  road  after — Charlie  Chaplin.  Give 
me  crazy  movies.  They  are  all  brimming  over  with 


VERY'S  LIGHTS  49 

the  most  innocent  fun  and  merriment.  It  is  a  pity 
that  they  are  generally  so  short,  but  I  suppose  the 
actors  get  tired  after  a  time. 

The  society  pictures  must  impress  greatly  the 
tired  working  woman;  a  little  pathetic  this,  really. 
Perhaps  I  am  ignorant  of  the  doings  of  the  four  hun 
dred,  but  if  they  live  as  the  movie  people  live  it  must 
be  strangely  diverting  to  be  a  noble  American.  The 
decorations  in  their  houses  must  supply  endless  hours 
of  exploration,  and  the  wonderful  statuary  must  help 
one  to  attain  Nirvana.  I've  heard  of  ne'er-do-well 
sons,  but  I  did  not  know  they  had  such  amusing 
times. 

In  the  society  drama,  the  son  leaves  his  beautiful 
southern  home  with  white  pillars  and  his  innocent 
playmate,  very  pretty  and  hopeful  and  nicely  gowned, 
and  finds  himself  at  Yale  or  Harvard.  I  wish  Cam 
bridge  and  Oxford  presented  the  same  number  of  pos 
sibilities.  Here  he  meets  the  vampire,  horrid  and 
beastly,  and  falls  for  her  and  never  thinks  of  his 
innocent  father  and  mother  solemnly  opening  the 
family  Bible  and  saying  a  few  choice  prayers,  while 
the  playmate  worries  in  the  background,  praying 
fervently.  It  is  all  very  sad  and  becomes  heart-rend 
ing  when  the  pretty  playmate  retires  to  her  room, 
puts  on  the  most  lovely  sort  of  garment  all  lace  and 
things,  and  after  praying  and  looking  earnestly  at  a 
crucifix,  hops  into  bed,  never  forgetting  to  remove 
her  slippers.  Then  the  scene  stops  and  she  probably 

4 


50  OVER  HERE 

curses  the  fellow  working  the  lights  if  he  has  not  got 
a  good  shine  on  her  gorgeous  hair  while  she  prays. 
But  don't  worry,  she  marries  the  son  all  right.  The 
vamp  dies,  probably  punctured  by  a  bullet  from  an 
old  "  rough  neck  "  accomplice,  or  a  married  man. 

The  court  scenes  present  wonderful  possibilities 
for  the  services  of  some  dear  old  chap  as  judge.  He 
is  an  awful  nice  old  fellow. 

They  are  all  the  same  and  bore  me  stiff  unless  a 
rather  decent  sort  of  chap  called  Ray  appears  in 
them  and  he  has  a  cleansing  influence.  There  is  also  a 
lady  called  Marsh  whom  I  rather  like.  Besides 
being  good  looking  she  can  act  wonderfully  and  is 
always  natural.  I  can  stand  any  sort  of  society 
drama  with  her  in  it.  Sometimes  the  heroes  are 
peculiarly  horrible  with  nasty  sloppy  long  hair,  and 
not  nearly  as  good  looking  as  the  leading  man  in  the 
best  male  chorus  in  New  York. 

The  crook  stories  are  fine.  They  take  place 
mostly  in  underground  cellars.  I  love  the  wicked 
looking  old  women  and  fat  gentlemen  who  drink  a 
great  deal.  However,  there  are  hair-breadth  escapes 
which  thrill  one,  and  plenty  of  policemen  and  clever 
looking  inspectors  and  so  on. 

Seriously,  the  movies  have  revolutionized  society 
in  many  ways.  People  like  Douglas  Fairbanks  are  a 
great  joy  to  us  all.  The  people  who  write  his  plays 
have  learnt  that  it  is  the  touch  of  nature  that  counts 
most  in  all  things  with  every  one.  And  so  he  laughs 


VERY'S  LIGHTS  51 

his  way  along  the  screen  journey,  and  we  all  enter 
into  movie  land,  where  the  sun  is  shining  very  brightly 
and  the  trees  are  very  green,  and  we  all  live  in  nice 
houses,  and  meet  only  nice  people  with  just  a  few 
villains  thrown  in,  whom  we  can  turn  into  nice  people 
by  smiling  at  them.  He  changes  things  for  us  some 
times.  Rhoda  sitting  next  to  Trevor  sees  him  through 
different  eyes  and  she  gives  his  hand  a  good  hard 
squeeze.  He  is  a  sort  of  Peter  Pan,  really. 

Mothers  in  movie  land  are  always  jolly  and  nice. 
Fathers  are  often  a  little  hard,  but  they  come  round 
all  right  or  get  killed  in  an  exciting  accident.  Gen 
erally  they  come  round.  The  parsons  worry  me  a 
little.  Being  a  zealous  member  of  the  Church  of 
England,  I  object  strongly  to  the  sanctimonious  air 
and  beautiful  silvery  hair  displayed  by  ministers  in 
movie  land.  They  marry  people  off  in  no  time,  too, 
and  a  little  promiscuously,  I  think. 

Except  at  the  Scala,  where  the  pictures  used  to  be 
good  and  dull,  most  of  the  movie  theatres  are  a  little 
impossible  in  Blighty.  I  wonder  why.  In  New  Zealand 
there  are  fine  picture  theatres  and  in  Australia  they 
are  even  better,  but  if  you  venture  into  one  in  London 
you  want  to  get  out  quick.  Here  in  America  they 
are  ventilated,  and  there  is  generally  a  pipe  organ  to 
help  one  to  wallow  in  sentiment.  Often  it  seems  well 
played,  too,  and,  at  any  rate,  the  darkness  and  the 
music  blend  well  together  and  one  can  get  into  "  Never 
Never  Land  "  quite  easily  and  comfortably. 


A   CHRISTMAS  TRUCE 
BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  January  25, 1917. 

ON  the  twenty-second  day  of  last  month,  I  was 
preparing  to  spend  a  comparatively  happy  Christ 
mas  at  the  house  of  some  friends  who  possessed  many 
children.  Unfortunately,  I  met  the  Assistant  Super 
intendent  of  Shop  No.  2,  who,  after  greeting  me  in  an 
encouraging  manner,  said,  "  Lootenant,  I  am  very 
glad  to  see  you,  I  want  your  help.  We  are  held  up 
by  the  failure  of  the  people  in  Detroit  to  deliver  trun 
nion  bearings.  Would  it  be  possible  for  you  to  run 
out  there  and  see  how  they  are  getting  on,  and  per 
haps  you  could  get  them  to  send  a  few  sets  on  by  ex 
press?  " 

That  Assistant  Superintendent  never  did  like  me. 

Now  Detroit  is  a  long  way  from  Bethlehem,  and  at 
least  twenty-four  hours  by  train,  so  it  looked  as 
though  my  merry  Christmas  would  be  spent  in  a  Pull 
man.  I'd  rather  spend  Christmas  Day  in  a  work 
house,  for  even  there  "  the  cold  bare  walls  "  are  al 
leged  to  be  "  bright  with  garlands  of  green  and  holly," 
and  even  bitterly  acknowledged  by  many  small  artists 
reciting  that  "  piece  "  to  help  to  form  a  "  pleasant 
sight."  But  Christmas  Day  in  a  Pullman!  And 
52 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  53 

worse  still,  Christmas  night  in  a  sleeper,  with  the 
snorers.  Mon  Dieu ! 

If  a  person  snores  within  the  uttermost  limit  of 
my  hearing,  I  must  say  good-bye  to  sleep,  no  matter 
how  tired  I  may  be.  It  is  a  strange  thing  how  many 
otherwise  nice  people  snore.  Travelling  in  America 
has  for  me  one  disadvantage — the  fact  that  one  has 
to  sleep,  like  a  dish  on  a  Welsh  dresser,  in  the  same 
compartment  with  about  forty  people,  six  of  whom 
surely  snore.  There  is  the  loud  sonorous  snore  of  the 
merchant  prince,  the  angry,  pugnacious  bark  of  the 
"  drummer,"  the  mature  grunt  of  the  stout  lady,  and 
the  gentle  lisp-like  snore  of  the  debutante.  You  can't 
stop  them.  One  would  expect  "  Yankee  ingenuity  " 
to  find  a  way  out. 

I  think  that  there  ought  to  be  a  special  padded 
Pullman  for  the  snoring  persons.  It  ought  to  be 
labelled  in  some  way.  Perhaps  a  graceful  way  would 
be  to  have  the  car  called  "  Sonora."  Then  all  people 
should  carry  with  them  a  small  card  labelled,  "  The 
bearer  of  this  pass  does  not  snore,"  and  then  the 
name  of  a  trusted  witness  or  the  stamp  of  a  grama- 
phone  company  without  the  advertisement  "  His 
Master's  Voice."  You  see  a  person  could  be  placed  in 
a  room,  and  at  the  moment  of  sinking  into  somnolence, 
a  blank  record  could  start  revolving,  and  be  tried  out 
in  the  morning. 

Or  perhaps  the  label  would  read,  "  The  bearer 


54  OVER  HERE 

of  this  card  snores."  Then  the  gramaphone  com 
pany  might  advertise  a  little  with  the  familiar  "  His 
Master's  Voice."  It  would  be  awful  to  lose  your  label 
if  you  were  a  non-snorer,  and  then  to  be  placed  in  the 
special  sleeper.  Perhaps  there  might  be  a  "  neutral  " 
car  for  the  partial  snorers. 

I  slept  in  a  stateroom  on  a  liner  once  next  to  a 
large  man  and  his  large  wife,  and  they  were  both  de 
termined  snorers.  They  used  to  run  up  and  down  the 
scale  and  never  started  at  the  bottom  together.  It 
was  a  nice  mathematical  problem  to  work  out  when 
they  met  in  the  centre  of  the  scale. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  don't  mind  the  snoring  on  a 
Pullman  when  the  train  gets  going,  because  you  can 
not  hear  it  then,  but  sometimes  in  an  optimistic  frame 
of  mind  you  decide  to  board  the  sleeper  two  hours 
before  the  train  starts.  Your  optimism  is  never  justi 
fied,  for  sure  enough,  several  people  start  off.  It  is 
useless  to  hold  your  hands  to  your  ears ;  you  imagine 
you  hear  it,  even  if  you  don't.  So  possessing  yourself 
with  patience,  you  read  a  book,  until  the  train  starts. 
Asphyxiation  sets  in  very  soon,  but,  alas,  the  train 
develops  a  hot  box,  and  you  awake  once  more  to  the 
same  old  dreary  noises.  I  hope  that  soon  they  will 
have  that  special  car.  If  they  don't,  the  porter  ought 
to  be  supplied  with  a  long  hooked  rake,  and  as  he 
makes  his  rounds  of  inspection,  he  should  push  the 
noisy  people  into  other  positions.  This  would  look 
very  interesting. 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  55 

However,  on  this  journey  to  Detroit  I  boarded 
the  train  at  Bethlehem  on  its  way  to  Buffalo  and  no 
hot  boxes  were  developed,  so  I  enjoyed  a  very  peaceful 
night,  although  I  was  slightly  disturbed  when  a  dear 
old  lady  mistook  my  berth  for  hers,  and  placed  her 
knee  on  my  chest,  and  got  an  awful  fright.  That  is 
one  of  the  advantages  of  taking  an  "  upper  "  over 
here.  You  have  time  to  head  off  night  walkers  be 
cause  they  have  got  to  get  the  step-ladder,  the 
Pullman  porter  is  not  always  asleep,  and  you  hear 
them  as  they  puff  up  the  stairs.  Although  I  prefer 
the  little  stateroom  cars  we  have  in  England,  I  must 
admit  that  the  beds  in  a  Pullman  are  very  large  and 
well  supplied  with  blankets  and  other  comforts. 

I  arrived  at  Detroit,  and  after  a  long  chat  about 
the  war  with  the  man  who  counted  most,  I  suggested 
that  he  would  be  doing  us  all  a  great  favour  if  he  sent 
a  few  trunnion  bearings  on  by  express  at  once.  He 
said,  "  Sure !  "  I  love  that  American  word  "  Sure." 
There  is  something  so  intimate,  so  encouraging  about 
it,  even  if  nothing  happens.  Detroit  is  a  wonderful 
city  and  the  people  whom  I  met  there  awfully  decent. 

I  went  through  several  factories,  and  I  must  ad 
mit  that  I  have  seen  nothing  in  this  country  to  com 
pare  with  them.  There  are  vaster  plants  in  the  East, 
but  for  the  display  of  really  efficient  organization, 
give  me  Detroit.  I  liked  the  careful  keenness  dis 
played.  There  is  something  solid,  something  lasting 


56  OVER  HERE 

about  Detroit,  that  struck  me  at  once  in  spite  of  its 
newness.  It  is  always  alleged  in  the  East  that  the 
Middle  West  is  notoriously  asleep  in  regard  to 
national  duty,  but  I  rather  suspect  that  if  the  time 
arrives  for  this  country  to  fight,  it  will  be  towns  like 
Detroit,  towards  the  Middle  West,  that  will  be  the 
rapid  producers. 

Of  course,  Henry  Ford  has  his  wonderful  motor 
car  factory  here  where  he  lets  loose  upon  an  aston 
ished  world  and  grateful  English  vicars  of  little 
wealth,  his  gasping,  highly  efficient,  but  unornamen- 
tal,  metal  arm  breakers  called  by  the  vulgar  "  fliv 
vers,"  and  by  the  more  humorous  "  tin  Lizzies."  Hav 
ing  heard  so  much  about  this  plant,  I  denied  myself 
the  pleasure  of  going  through  it.  I  hear  that  it  is 
very  wonderful. 

All  these  remarks  are  merely  offensive  impressions 
and  carry  but  little  weight  even  in  my  own  mind.  Still 
I  definitely  refuse  to  regard  the  Middle  West  as  asleep 
to  national  duty. 

I  left  Detroit  or  rather  tried  hard  and  finally  suc 
ceeded  in  leaving  that  fair  city ;  and  still  dreading  to 
spend  Christmas  day  in  a  Pullman  I  made  up  my  mind 
to  spend  the  holidays  at  Niagara  in  Ontario.  Inci 
dentally,  at  Niagara  I  received  a  wire  from  Detroit  in 
the  following  words :  "  Have  sent  by  express  four  sets 
of  trunnion  bearings.  A  merry  Xmas  to  you." 

While  I  am  glad  to  praise  Detroit,  and  especially 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  57 

its  best  hotel,  I  cannot  for  a  single  moment  admire, 
or  even  respect,  the  time-table  kept  by  the  trains  that 
ran  through  its  beautiful  station  last  month  around 
Christmas. 

I  decided  to  leave  by  a  train  which  was  alleged  to 
depart  at  twelve  o'clock.  I  jumped  into  a  taxi  at 
eleven-fifty.  "  You're  cutting  things  pretty  fine," 
said  the  chauffeur,  "  but  I  guess  we  will  make  it  all 
right."  Hence  we  dashed  along  the  road  at  a  pretty 
rapid  rate  and  I  thought  the  driver  deserved  the 
extra  quarter  that  I  gladly  gave  to  him.  I  placed 
my  things  in  the  hands  of  a  dark  porter  and  gasped : 
"Has  the  train  gone?"  My  worry  was  quite  un 
necessary.  In  the  great  hall  of  the  station  there 
were  about  three  hundred  of  Henry  Ford's  satellites 
going  off  on  their  Christmas  vacation,  as  well  as  many 
others.  The  train  that  should  have  gone  six  hours 
before  had  not  arrived.  There  were  no  signs  of  mine. 
It  seemed  to  have  got  lost,  for  nothing  could  be  told 
about  it.  Other  trains  were  marked  up  as  being  any 
thing  from  three  to  six  hours  overdue. 

After  waiting  in  a  queue  near  the  enquiry  office 
for  about  an  hour,  I  at  last  got  within  speaking  dis 
tance  of  the  man  behind  the  desk  marked  "  Informa 
tion."  He  could  tell  me  nothing,  poor  chap.  His 
chin  was  twitching  just  like  a  fellow  after  shell  shock. 
Noting  my  sympathetic  glance,  he  told  me  that  an 
enquiry  clerk  only  lasted  one-half  hour  if  he  were  not 


58  OVER  HERE 

assassinated  by  angry  citizens  who  seemed  to  blame 
him  for  the  trains  being  late.  He  denied  all  responsi 
bility,  while  admitting  the  honour.  He  said  that  he 
was  the  sixth  to  be  on  duty.  The  rest  had  been  sent 
off  to  the  nearest  lunatic  asylum.  At  that  moment 
he  collapsed  and  was  carried  away  on  a  stretcher, 
muttering,  "  They  ain't  my  trains,  feller."  Never 
was  such  a  night.  I  made  several  life  long  friends. 
All  the  food  in  the  buffet  got  eaten  up  and  the  attend 
ant  women  had  quite  lost  their  tempers  and  quarreled 
with  anyone  who  looked  at  all  annoyed. 

After  waiting  about  five  hours,  I  became  a  little 
tired.  I  was  past  being  annoyed,  and  expected  to 
spend  my  life  in  that  station  hall,  so  I  sought  food  in 
the  buffet.  As  I  approached  the  two  swinging  doors, 
they  opened  as  if  by  magic  and  two  good  looking, 
cheery  faced  boys  stood  on  each  side  like  footmen 
and  said :  "  Good  evening,  Cap." 

"  Ha !  "  thought  I  to  myself,  "  what  discernment ! 
They  can  tell  at  once  that  I  am  a  military  man,"  so  I 
smile  pleasantly  upon  them  and  asked  them  how  they 
knew  that  I  was  an  officer  in  spite  of  my  mufti.  They 
looked  astonished,  but  quickly  regaining  their  com 
posure,  asked  what  regiment  I  belonged  to.  I  told 
them,  and  soon  we  got  very  friendly  and  chatty.  They 
introduced  me  to  several  friends  who  gathered  round, 
and  fired  many  questions  at  me  in  regard  to  the  war. 
Amongst  their  number  was  a  huge  person  of  kindly 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  59 

aspect.  One  of  my  early  friends  whispered  that  he  was 
the  captain  of  their  football  team  and  a  very  great 
person.  He  said  but  little.  They  explained  that  they 
were  members  of  a  dramatic  club,  and  that  they  had 
given  a  performance  in  Detroit.  We  chatted  a  great 
deal,  and  then  a  fellow  of  unattractive  appearance, 
and  insignificant  aspect  remarked :  "  You  British  will 
fight  until  the  last  Frenchman  dies."  He  laughed  as  he 
said  it.  He  used  the  laugh  which  people  who  wish  to 
prevent  bodily  injury  to  themselves  always  use  when 
they  insult  a  person.  It  is  the  laugh  of  a  servant,  a 
laugh  which  prevents  a  man  from  getting  really  an 
noyed.  I  am  glad  to  say  that  the  rest  turned  upon 
him  and  I  merely  said  lightly :  "  There  are  many  fools 
going  about  but  it  is  difficult  to  catalogue  their 
variety  until  they  make  similar  remarks  to  yours." 

The  large  football  player  was  particularly  an 
noyed  with  that  chap  and  the  others  remarked  that  he 
was  a  "  bloody  German."  We  were  much  too  tired 
and  weary  to  talk  seriously,  but  I  gathered  from  these 
youths  that  they  were  very  keen  to  get  across  to  the 
other  side,  to  fight  the  Boche. 

We  discussed  Canada.  It  almost  seemed  that  they 
wanted  to  sell  Canada  so  great  was  the  admiration 
they  expressed.  They  envied  the  Canadians  their  op 
portunity  to  fight  the  Germans.  They  praised  the 
country,  its  natural  resources  and  beauty.  They 
admired  the  Englishness  of  their  neighbors.  This  is 


60  OVER  HERE 

an  interesting  fact:  all  Americans  that  I  have  met 
cannot  speak  too  highly  of  the  Canadians.  I  have 
heard  American  women  talking  with  the  greatest  of 
respect  about  our  nation  as  represented  by  our  people 
in  Canada  and  Bermuda. 

After  a  couple  of  hours  these  fellows  went  off,  ex 
pressing  a  desire  to  take  me  with  them.  In  fact,  two 
of  them  tried  hard  to  persuade  me  to  go  to  Chicago 
in  their  special.  Evidently  they  had  had  a  good 
supper.  I  hope  that  I  shall  meet  the  large  football 
chap  again. 

At  about  seven  in  the  morning  my  train  at  last 
appeared,  and  as  the  sun  was  rising,  I  climbed  into  my 
upper  berth  while  the  fellow  on  the  lower  groaned, 
stating  that  he  had  the  influenza,  called  "  the  grip  " 
over  here.  This  sounded  encouraging,  for  I  expected 
to  breathe  much  of  his  air. 

I  at  last  arrived  at  Niagara  in  Ontario  and  sought 
the  Inn  called  Clifton.  It  is  run  very  much  on  Eng 
lish  lines  and  suggests  a  very  large  country  cottage  in 
Blighty,  with  its  chintz  hangings.  All  around  was  a 
wide  expanse  of  snow  and  the  falls  could  be  heard 
roaring  in  the  distance.  I  had  seen  them  before,  so  I 
promptly  had  a  very  hot  bath  and  lay  down  and  went 
to  sleep  in  my  charming  little  bedroom  with  its  un 
even  roof. 

I  am  not  going  to  describe  the  Falls.  They  are 
too  wonderful  and  too  mighty  for  description,  but 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  61 

they  are  not  too  lovely  and  not  too  wonderful  as  a 
great  beauty  gift  from  God  to  prevent  us  humans 
from  building  great  power  houses  on  the  cliffs  around, 
and  so  marring  their  beauty. 

I  spent  a  happy  Christmas  at  this  house  and  met 
several  Canadian  men  with  their  women  folk  who  had 
come  down  to  spend  a  quiet  Christmas.  They  were 
very  kind  to  me  and  I  liked  them  all  immensely. 
One  lady  remarked  that  it  was  a  very  good  idea  to 
want  to  spend  Christmas  with  my  own  people.  This 
was  astonishing  and  pleasing,  for  most  of  my  friends 
who  had  gone  over  to  Canada  to  do  harvesting  dur 
ing  the  long  vacations  from  Oxford  and  Cambridge 
had  hated  it.  It  told  me  one  great  thing,  however, 
that  the  Canadian  people  had  grown  to  know  us 
better,  and  had  evidently  decided  that  every  stray 
home-made  Briton  was  not  a  remittance  man,  but 
might  possibly,  in  spite  of  his  extraordinary  way  of 
speaking  English,  be  a  comparatively  normal  person 
possessing  no  greater  number  of  faults  than  other 
mortals.  I  found  these  people  very  interesting,  and 
one  very  charming  lady  introduced  me  to  the  poetry 
of  Rupert  Brooke.  She  had  one  of  his  volumes  of 
poetry  containing  an  introduction  detailing  his  life. 

I  read  this  introduction  with  much  interest.  It 
spoke  about  the  river  at  Cambridge,  just  above 
"  Byron's  Pool  " — a  very  familiar  spot.  I  had  often 
plunged  off  the  dam  into  the  cool  depths  above  and 


62  OVER  HERE 

had  even  cooked  moorhens'  eggs  on  the  banks.  I  will 
admit  that  my  ignorance  of  Rupert  Brooke  and  his 
genius  showed  a  regrettably  uninformed  mind.  I  can 
only  murmur  with  the  French  shop  keepers  "  c'est  la 
guerre."  These  people  made  me  very  much  at  home 
and  they  all  had  a  good  English  accent — not  the  af 
fected  kind,  but  a  natural  sort  of  accent. 

American  people  then  came  in  for  their  share  of 
criticism.  The  Canadians  are  learning  many  les 
sons  from  us.  I  think,  of  course,  that  America  ought 
to  be  in  this  war,  but  I  do  know  that  all  my  American 
men  friends  would  give  their  last  cent  to  make  the 
President  declare  war,  and  I  have  learnt  not  to  men 
tion  the  subject. 

They  were  very  sympathetic  about  my  having  to 
live  with  the  Yankees.  One  very  nice  man  said  with 
a  smile,  I  fear  of  superiority :  "  And  how  do  you  like 
living  with  the  Yankees  ?  " 

I  was  at  a  loss  to  know  how  to  reply.  I  hate 
heroics,  and  I  distrust  the  person  who  praises  his 
friends  behind  their  backs  with  too  great  a  show  of 
enthusiasm.  It  is  a  kind  of  newspaper  talk  and  sus 
picious.  Besides,  I  desired  to  be  effective,  to  "  get 
across  "  with  praise  of  my  American  friends,  so  I 
merely  stated  all  the  nice  things  I  had  ever  heard  the 
Americans  say  about  Canada  and  the  Canadians. 
This  took  me  a  long  time.  They  accepted  the  rebuke 
like  the  gentlefolk  they  were.  Still,  I  thought  the 
feeling  about  America  was  very  interesting. 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  63 

Upon  my  return  to  the  States,  I  mentioned  this 
to  a  friend  and  he  said  that  he  knew  about  the  feel 
ing,  but  he  explained  that  it  was  really  a  pose,  and 
was  a  survival  of  the  feeling  from  the  old  revolution 
days  when  the  loyalists  took  refuge  in  Canada.  I  then 
gathered  that  my  Canadian  friends  were  merely 
"  high  flying  after  fashion,"  like  Mrs.  Boffin  in  "  Our 
Mutual  Friend." 

I  went  to  church  on  the  Sunday  and  enjoyed 
singing  "  God  Save  the  King."  The  minister  spoke 
well,  but  like  the  American  clergy,  he  preached  an 
awfully  long  sermon.  Everything  seems  to  go  quickly 
and  rapidly  over  here  except  the  sermons. 

I  went  to  a  skating  rink  filled  with  many  soldiers 
and  was  asked  by  a  buxom  lass  where  my  uniform 
was,  and  why  was  I  not  fighting  for  the  King.  I  felt 
slightly  annoyed.  However,  I  enjoyed  the  skating 
until  a  youth  in  uniform  barged  into  me  and  passed 
rude  remarks  about  my  clothing  generally. 

This  was  too  much  for  my  temper,  so  I  strafed 
him  until  he  must  have  decided  that  I  was  at  least  a 
colonel  in  mufti.  He  will  never  be  "  fresh  "  to  a 
stranger  again,  and  he  left  the  rink  expecting  to  be 
court-martialled. 

The  next  day  I  had  influenza,  and  I  remembered 
my  friend  in  the  train  at  Detroit.  However,  I  went  to 
Toronto  and  endeavored  to  buy  a  light  coat  at  a 
large  store.  I  am  not  a  very  small  person,  but  evi- 


64  OVER  HERE 

dently  the  attendant  disliked  me  on  sight.  After  he 
had  tried  about  three  coats  on  me  he  remarked  pleas 
antly  that  they  only  kept  men's  things  in  his  depart 
ment,  so  I  strafed  him,  and  left  Canada  by  the  very 
next  train.  I  felt  furious.  However,  I  recognised  a 
man  I  knew  on  the  train  whom  I  had  seen  at  Pop- 
peringe  near  Ypres.  He  had  been  a  sergeant  in  the 
Canadian  forces,  so  we  sat  down  and  yarned  about 
old  days  in  "  Flounders."  He  was  the  dining-room 
steward.  He  healed  my  wounded  pride  when  I  told 
him  about  the  coat  incident  and  said :  "  Why  didn't 
you  crack  him  over  the  head,  sir !  Those  sort  of  fel 
lows  come  in  here  with  their  '  Gard  Darm ' — but  I 
don't  take  it  now.  No,  sir !  "  Still  it  was  fine  to  visit 
Canada  and  I  felt  very  much  at  home  and  very  proud 
of  the  Empire. 

Now  in  the  days  of  peace  I  should  have  come 
away  from  Canada  with  a  very  firm  determination 
never  to  visit  the  place  again,  but  the  war  has 
changed  one's  outlook  on  all  things.  Still  I  longed  to 
get  back  to  my  Yankee  and  well  loved  friends  who 
don't  mind  my  "  peculiar  English  twang  "  a  bit. 

I  was  urged  one  night  at  a  country  club  to  join  a 
friend  at  another  table — to  have  a  drink  of  orangeade. 
I  showed  no  signs  of  yielding,  so  my  friend — he  was  a 
great  friend — said,  "  Please,  Mac,  come  over,  these 
fellows  want  to  hear  you  speak."  They  wanted  to 
listen  to  my  words  of  wisdom?  Not  a  bit !  It  was  my 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  65 

accent  they  wanted.  But  there  was  no  intention  of 
rudeness ;  the  fellow  was  too  much  my  friend  for  that, 
but  he  wanted  to  interest  his  companions.  Some 
times  I  have  apologised  for  my  way  of  speaking,  re 
marking  that  I  could  not  help  it,  and  at  once  every 
one  has  said,  "  For  the  love  of  Mike,  don't  lose  your 
English  accent."  Perhaps  they  meant  that  as  a 
comedian  I  presented  possibilities. 

It  might  be  a  good  idea  to  give  you  a  few  impres 
sions  of  the  folk  in  Bethlehem.  Obviously  they  can  be 
little  else  than  impressions,  and  they  can  tell  you 
little  about  Americans  as  a  whole.  The  people  of 
Bethlehem  divide  themselves  roughly  into  six  groups — 
the  Moravians  (I  place  them  first),  the  old  nobility, 
the  new  aristocracy,  the  great  mass  of  well-to-do 
store-keepers  and  the  like,  the  working  class  of 
Americans,  largely  Pennsylvania  Dutch,  and  the 
strange  mixture  of  weird  foreigners  who  live  in  South 
Bethlehem  near  and  around  the  steel  works. 

But  let  me  tell  you  about  the  Moravians;  they 
have  been  awfully  good  to  me  during  the  four  months 
I  have  lived  with  them.  Just  to  live  in  the  same  town 
with  them  helps  one  quite  a  lot. 

It  is  possible  that  some  of  my  statements  may  be 
inaccurate,  but  I  have  had  a  great  deal  to  do  with 
them,  and  I  don't  think  that  I  shall  go  very  far 
wrong. 

Anne  of  Bohemia  married  King  Richard  II  of 

5 


66  OVER  HERE 

England.  Obviously  large  numbers  of  her  friends 
and  relations  visited  her  during  her  reign.  Wycliff 
became  at  this  time  fashionable,  and  these  tourists, 
being  interested  in  most  of  the  things  they  saw,  doubt 
lessly  had  the  opportunity  of  hearing  Wycliff  preach. 
A  man  of  undoubted  personality,  otherwise  he  would 
not  have  lived  very  long,  he  must  have  impressed  the 
less  frivolous  of  Anne's  friends,  including  John  Huss 
who  was  a  very  religious  person.  The  whole  thing  is 
interesting.  These  Bohemians  saw  numbers  of  the 
aristocracy  thoroughly  interested  in  Wycliff.  Pos 
sibly  they  did  not  understand  the  intrigue  under 
lying  the  business,  but  they  could  not  have  regarded 
Wycliff's  movement  as  anything  else  but  a  fashion 
able  one. 

John  Huss  returned  to  Bohemia  and  established 
a  church,  or  reorganised  an  older  church,  For  the 
benefit  of  those  members  of  the  Church  of  England 
and  the  members  of  the  Episcopal  church  of  America 
who  regard  a  belief  in  Apostolic  succession  as  neces 
sary  to  their  souls'  salvation,  it  might  be  well  to  add 
that  the  first  Moravian  bishop  was  consecrated  by 
another  bishop.  After  a  time  they  ceased  to  be  re 
garded  with  favour  by  the  Church  of  Rome  in  Bo 
hemia,  in  spite  of  their  fashionable  origin,  so  they 
grew  and  multiplied. 

Still  their  struggles  were  great,  and  one  wonders 
whether  they  could  have  continued  to  thrive  if  it  had 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  67 

not  been  for  a  friend  who  appeared  upon  the  scene  to 
act  as  their  champion.  The  friend  was  a  certain 
Count  Zinzendorf ,  a  noble  German.  He  allowed  them 
to  establish  a  small  settlement  upon  his  estates  at 
Herenhorf. 

If  they  were  anything  like  my  friends,  their  de 
scendants  in  Bethlehem,  he  must  have  loved  them  very 
much.  One  can  easily  picture  the  whole  thing.  They 
were  normal  persons ;  they  displayed  no  fanaticism ; 
they  had  a  simple  ritual,  and  they  must  have  had 
among  their  numbers  members  of  the  best  families  in 
Bohemia.  This  would  help  the  count  a  little.  They 
had  some  quaint  customs.  The  women  dressed  simply 
but  nicely.  A  young  lady  after  marriage  wore  a 
pretty  blue  ribbon  around  her  neck.  Before  marriage 
she  wore  a  pink  one.  I  have  seen  some  priceless  old 
pictures  in  the  archives  of  the  church  here  in  Bethlehem 
of  the  sweetest  old  ladies  in  the  world,  mostly  wearing 
the  blue  ribbon.  The  artist  must  have  been  a  Mora 
vian  himself.  The  figures  are  stiff  and  conventional ; 
the  hands  dead  and  lifeless  with  pointed  fingers — you 
know  the  sort  of  thing — but  the  faces  are  wonderfully 
drawn.  They  have  all  got  something  characteristic 
about  them.  Sometimes  a  slight  smile,  sometimes  they 
look  as  though  they  were  a  little  bored  with  posing, 
and  one  can  perhaps  get  an  idea  of  their  respective 
natures,  by  the  way  they  regard  the  artist.  I  felt 
that  I  should  like  to  adopt  them  all  as  grandmothers. 

Of  course,  Count  Zinzendorf  got  very  much  con- 


68  OVER  HERE 

verted,  and,  possibly  knowing  William  Penn,  he  ob 
tained  permission  for  the  Moravians  to  settle  here  in 
Bethlehem.  I  have  skipped  a  lot  of  their  history.  I 
don't  know  much  about  their  early  life  in  America, 
but  they  chose  the  sweetest  spot  in  this  valley  for 
their  home.  They  settled  on  the  north  side  of  the 
Lehigh  River,  a  pleasant  stream  which  with  several 
tributaries  helped  them  to  grind  their  corn.  They 
converted  the  Indians  largely.  At  any  rate,  if  you 
go  into  the  old  cemetery  you  will  see  the  graves  of 
many  of  the  red-skins.  The  last  of  the  Mohicans, 
Tschoop,  lies  in  this  cemetery.  I  sometimes  stroll 
through  this  sacred  square  and  read  the  weird  old  in 
scriptions  on  the  tombs.  One  dear  old  lady  has  her 
grave  in  the  middle  of  the  pathway  so  that  people 
passing  may  be  influenced  just  a  little  by  the  remarks 
made  by  those  who  knew  and  loved  her.  A  weird  idea, 
isn't  it?  I  could  write  pages  about  the  Moravians, 
but  time  and  the  fact  that  I  may  bore  you,  and  so 
kill  your  interest  in  my  friends,  prevent  me  from  say 
ing  very  much. 

Trombones  mean  almost  everything  to  a  Mora 
vian.  To  be  a  member  of  the  trombone  choir  is  the 
highest  honour  a  young  Moravian  can  aspire  to.  Per 
haps  interest  will  die  out,  perhaps  the  influence  of  the 
huge  steel  works  now  taking  complete  control  of 
Bethlehem  will  prevent  the  boys  from,  regarding  the 
thing  as  a  terrific  honour. 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  69 

A  member  of  this  choir  has  much  to  attend  to. 
When  a  sister  or  a  brother  dies,  the  fact  is  announced 
to  the  brethren  by  the  playing  of  a  simple  tune.  At 
the  hour  of  burial  the  trombones  once  more  play.  All 
announcements  are  made  from  the  tower  with  the  aid 
of  the  trombone  choir.  I  cannot  say  they  always 
play  well.  I  am  afraid  I  don't  mind  very  much,  but 
the  thing  in  itself  is  very  interesting. 

I  was  spending  a  very  enjoyable  evening  at  a 
man's  house  on  the  last  day  of  the  old  year.  At  five 
minutes  to  twelve  I  left  a  cheery  crowd  of  revellers  and 
rushed  along  to  the  Moravian  church.  A  large  clock 
was  ticking  out  the  last  minutes  of  the  closing  year. 
A  minister  was  talking,  thanking  God  for  all  the  good 
things  of  the  past  years  and  asking  His  help  in  the 
coming  year.  He  seemed  sure  that  it  would  be  all 
right,  but  we  all  felt  a  little  fearful  of  what  the  next 
year  would  bring.  I  remembered  my  last  New  Year's 
Eve  at  the  front — it  was  getting  a  little  depressing. 
Finally  there  were  left  but  two  seconds  of  the  old 
year.  We  were  all  trying  to  think.  The  year  closed. 
A  mighty  burst  of  music  crashed  through  the  air. 
The  trombones  were  playing  "  Now  Thank  We  All 
Our  God."  We  all  jumped  to  our  feet  and  commenced 
to  join  in.  Depression  vanished  as  in  stately  fashion 
we  all  sang  the  wonderful  hymn. 

I  went  back  to  the  party.  Most  of  the  people  were 
still  there.  They  were  a  handsome  crowd  of  men  and 


70  OVER  HERE 

women,  great  friends  of  mine  for  the  most  part.  They 
seemed  happy  and  cheerful.  I  wondered  what  the 
year  would  bring  for  us  all.  I  wondered  if  America 
would  be  drawn  into  the  war,  and  I  wondered  which 
crowd  of  people  would  be  better  able  to  bear  the 
strain  of  war — the  folk  in  the  Moravian  church,  or 
the  people  at  the  cheery  party.  I  think  I  can  guess. 
The  cheery  folk  represent  the  type  who  will  get  de 
pressed  and  unhappy.  They  will  be  the  spreaders  of 
rumours.  They  will  be  the  people  who  will  learn  to 
hope  most  quickly.  They  will  regard  every  small  vic 
tory  as  a  German  rout,  and  every  reverse  as  a  hope 
less  defeat.  Some  amongst  them  will,  of  course,  find 
a  new  life  opening  up  for  them.  Still  I  wonder. 

But  the  Moravians  will  take  things  as  they  come. 
They  will  be  the  folk  who  will  encourage  and  help. 
They  will  be  able  to  stand  anything — sorrow  and  joy, 
and  treat  them  in  the  same  way.  They  will  give 
their  sons  willingly  and  gladly,  and  their  men  will 
make  the  very  best  kind  of  soldiers.  Perhaps  it  is 
wrong  to  prophesy,  but  I  think  that  if  the  United 
States  should  enter  this  war,  amongst  the  certain 
quantities  of  this  country,  the  Moravians  will  have 
an  important  place.  They  are  mostly  of  Teutonic 
origin,  but  at  the  moment  their  sympathies  are  all 
with  us.  They  like  England  and  the  English,  and 
when  I  say  England  and  the  English  I  mean  Britain 
and  the  Britons.  George  II  was  kind  to  them,  I  be 
lieve,  and  they  live  a  great  deal  in  the  past. 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  71 

I  have  the  honour  of  knowing  several  of  the  trom 
bone  choir.     I  must  tell  you  about  Brother  L . 

I  suspect  he  is  the  leader  or  the  conductor  of  the 
trombone  choir.  He  is  a  dear  old  chap,  rather  small 
and  has  a  black  pointed  beard.  He  is  getting  on  in 
years  now,  and  always  suggests  to  my  mind  that  pic 
ture  of  Handel  as  a  boy  being  found  playing  the 
harpsichord  in  the  attic.  You  may  find  it  difficult  to 
see  the  connection.  I  am  not  sure  that  I  do  myself. 
One  always  feels,  however,  that  hidden  away  in  that 
little  body  of  his,  there  is  a  divine  spark  that  ought 
to  have  had  a  bigger  opportunity.  Perhaps  the  con 
nection  lies  in  the  fact  that  I  first  met  him  after  he 
had  just  finished  giving  Mrs.  U —  — 's  son  a  lesson  on 
the  trombone.  Mrs.  U—  — 's  husband  is  not  a  Mora 
vian,  but  the  wife  is  equal  to  at  least  two  of  them,  so 

that  makes  things  equal.    Brother  L is  employed 

at  the  steel  works,  and  as  I  was  getting  into  an  auto 
mobile  one  afternoon  early,  intent  upon  visiting  a 
pond  near  by  to  do  some  skating,  I  saw  brother 

L waiting  for  a  trolley  car.     I  offered  him  a  lift 

which  he  accepted.  Now,  he  had  timed  the  trolley  car 
to  a  minute,  so  that  by  getting  off  at  Church  Street 
he  would  reach  the  cemetery,  his  destination,  at  just 
the  right  moment,  for  an  old  sister  was  being  buried. 
My  car  went  pretty  fast,  and  I  remember  leaving  him 
standing  in  the  snow  at  least  eight  inches  thick.  I 
fear  he  must  have  got  frozen,  for  he  had  to  wait  ten 


72  OVER  HERE 

minutes.  Strangely  enough  he  has  never  forgotten 
the  incident,  and  I  am  sure  that  there  is  nothing  in  the 
world  he  would  not  do  for  me.  It  is  a  funny  and 
strange  thing  that  when  one  tries  to  do  big  things  for 
people,  often  there  is  little  gratitude  shown,  but  little 
things  that  cause  one  no  trouble  often  bring  a  tre 
mendous  reward  far  outweighing  the  benefit. 

Now  Brother  L —  -  is  an  American  and  we  who 
dare  to  criticise  our  cousins  never  meet  this  type 
abroad.  He,  with  many  of  his  brother  and  sister 
Moravians,  are  my  friends.  To  me  they  form  a  tre 
mendous  argument  why  I  should  never  say  an  unkind 
word  about  the  children  of  Uncle  Sam.  I  have  no 
desire  to  become  a  Moravian,  but  I  like  them  very 
much.  Before  I  finish  wearing  you  out  with  these 
descriptions  of  my  friends  I  must  tell  you  all  about 
the  "  Putz." 

One  night  I  was  the  guest  of  a  local  club.  It 
was  early  in  December  and  we  were  spending  an 
extremely  amusing  evening.  At  about  eleven  o'clock, 
all  the  women  folk  having  departed,  one  fellow  came 
up  to  me  and  said :  "  Say,  Captain,  we  have  a  barrel 
of  sherry  in  the  cellar,  would  you  like  a  glass?  "  A 
small  party  had  collected  near  me  at  the  time,  so  we 
all  descended  to  a  sort  of  catacomb  where  a  small 
barrel  of  sherry  was  enthroned.  I  took  a  glass  and 
found  it  very  dry,  and  not  very  nice.  I  was  offered 
another  but  refused.  It  is  difficult  to  refuse  a  drink 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  73 

offered  by  a  good  looking  American  boy,  so  finally  I 
held  the  glass,  took  a  tiny  sip,  and  then  decided  to 
shut  the  door  of  the  cellar,  deftly  spilling  the  sherry 
as  the  door  banged.  I  rather  like  a  glass  of  sherry 
with  my  soup,  but  to  drink  it  steadily  was  an  un 
known  experience.  Glass  after  glass  was  given  to 
me  and  I  managed  to  appear  to  drink  all  their  con 
tents.  They  must  have  wondered  at  my  sobriety. 
There  were  several  present  who  had  no  desire  to  spill 
theirs  and  among  these  was  a  tall,  good-looking  youth 
who  was  fast  becoming  a  little  happy.  He  came  to 
wards  me  with  an  unsteady  step,  and  succeeded  in 
spilling  my  fifth  glass  of  sherry,  thus  saving  me  the 
trouble  of  shutting  the  door,  and  said:  "  Say,  Cap., 
will  you  come  and  see  my  p — utz?  "  I  was  a  little 
bewildered.  He  repeated  it  again  and  again  and  then 
I  decided  upon  a  counter  bombardment  and  said: 
"  Pre — cisely  what  is  your  p — utz."  He  looked  com 
ically  bewildered  and  then  a  fellow  explained  that  a 
Putz  was  a  decoration  of  German  origin.  At 
Christmas  time  in  South  Germany  the  people  build 
models  of  the  original  Bethlehem,  representing  the 
birth  of  our  Lord.  It  suggests  a  creche  in  a  Roman 
church.  I  said  therefore :  "  But  yes,  I  shall  be  glad 
to."  I  gathered  that  a  similar  custom  prevailed  in 
Bethlehem. 

Most  Moravians  have  a  Putz  in  their  houses  at 
Christmas  time.    A  house  containing  one  is  quite  open 


74  OVER  HERE 

to  all.  Wine  and  biscuits  are  alleged  to  be  served. 
I  did  not  get  any  wine,  but  saw  the  biscuits.  So  at 
Christmas  time  small  parties  accumulate  and  go  from 
house  to  house  looking  at  the  Putzes.  Sometimes  they 
are  a  little  crude,  and  where  there  are  small  boys  in 
the  family,  model  electric  tram  cars  dash  past  the 
sacred  manger.  One  nice  boy  cleverly  got  past  this 
incongruity,  for,  after  building  an  ordinary  model 
village  with  street  lamps,  and  tram  cars  dashing 
round  and  round,  he  had  the  stable  and  manger  sus 
pended  above  amidst  a  mass  of  cotton  wool,  and  he 
explained  that  the  whole  thing  was  a  vision  of  the 
past.  But  let  me  tell  you  about  the  Putz  that  be 
longed  to  my  friend  of  the  club  catacomb. 

With  Mrs.  U I  knocked  at  the  door  and  en 
tered.  The  house  was  dimly  lighted  and  we  found 
ourselves  in  a  darkened  room,  quite  large.  At  first 
we  could  hear  the  gentle  ripple  of  water,  and  then  we 
seemed  to  hear  cattle  lowing  very  softly.  Soon  our 
eyes  grew  accustomed  to  the  darkness  and  we  found 
ourselves  looking  across  a  desert  with  palm  trees  sil 
houetted  against  the  dark  blue  sky.  Camels  seemed 
to  be  walking  towards  a  small  village  on  the  right. 
The  village  was  of  the  usual  Eastern  kind  with  a 
synagogue  in  the  centre.  Soon  we  noticed  that  the 
synagogue  was  being  lighted  up  quite  slowly  and 
gradually  and  after  an  interval  gentle  singing  could 
be  heard.  It  was  all  very  soft  but  quite  distinct. 


A  CHRISTMAS  TRUCE  75 

The  music  stopped  for  a  second  and  then  dawn  seemed 
to  be  breaking.  Finally  a  bright  star  appeared  in  the 
sky,  and  showed  us  shepherds  watching  their  flocks, 
but  looking  up  towards  the  sky.  More  light  came 
and  we  saw  angels  with  snowy  white  wings  above  the 
shepherds.  At  this  moment  men's  voices  could  be 
heard  singing  in  harmony  "  Hark,  the  Herald  Angels 
Sing,"  and  the  music  was  certainly  coming  from  the 
wee  synagogue.  The  star  seemed  to  move  a  little,  at 
any  rate,  it  ceased  shining  on  the  shepherds  and  we 
became  unconscious  of  the  angels,  but  soon  it  shone 
upon  a  stable  in  which  were  Mary  and  the  babe  lying 
in  the  manger.  There  were  the  wise  men  of  the  East 
also.  Some  more  light  shone  upon  the  village  and 
the  little  brook  made  more  noise.  Someone  in  the 
darkness  near  me  repeated :  "  And  suddenly  there 
was  with  the  angel  a  multitude  of  the  heavenly  host, 
praising  God,  and  saying, '  Glory  to  God  in  the  high 
est,  and  on  earth  peace,  good  will  toward  men.' 

"  And  it  came  to  pass,  as  the  angels  were  gone 
away  from  them  into  heaven,  the  shepherds  said  one 
to  another,  Let  us  now  go  even  unto  Bethlehem  and 
see  this  thing  which  is  come  to  pass  which  the  Lord 
made  known  unto  us !  And  they  came  with  haste, 
and  found  Mary  and  Joseph,  and  the  babe  lying  in  a 
manger.  And  when  they  had  seen  it,  they  made 
known  abroad  the  saying  which  was  told  them  con 
cerning  this  child.  And  all  they  that  heard  it  won- 


76  OVER  HERE 

dered  at  those  things  which  were  told  them  by  the 
shepherds.  But  Mary  kept  all  these  things,  and 
pondered  them  in  her  heart." 

It  was  a  woman's  voice  speaking,  softly  and 
sweetly.  To  me  it  seemed  the  outcry  of  womenkind 
all  over  the  world. 

I  wanted  to  be  home  for  Christmas  very  badly, 
but  I  must  admit  that  of  all  places  in  the  world  apart 
from  home  I  think  Bethlehem  presents  most  possibili 
ties  for  a  really  enjoyable  time.  We  had  plenty  of 
snow  and  consequently  plenty  of  opportunities  for 
tobogganing.  People  also  gave  many  charming 
parties.  I  went  to  a  bal  masque  after  returning  from 
Detroit,  dressed  as  a  Maori  warrior.  I  had  much 
clothing  on,  but  one  arm  and  shoulder  was  exposed. 
Several  women  friends  who  usually  wore  quite  ab 
breviated  frocks,  suggested  that  I  was  naked.  I 
merely  observed  "  et  tu  Brute !  "  but  they  did  not 
understand.  Women  are  inconsistent. 


VI 

GERMAN  FRIGHTFUL  FOOLISHNESS!  A  NEW  ALLY! 
THE  HATCHET  SHOWS  SIGNS  OF   BECOM 
ING  BURIED 

BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  February  28, 1917. 

So  William  of  Hohenzollern  the  war  lord,  the 
high  priest  of  God,  has  decided  that  this  extremely 
unpleasant  war  shall  cease.  Over  here  we  all  agree 
that  nothing  would  suit  us  better;  only  we  are  quite 
certain  that  we  do  not  want  the  war  to  end  in  the 
particular  way  desired  by  His  Imperial  Highness. 
We  admit,  of  course,  that  his  methods  display  a  high 
state  of  efficiency  in  every  direction,  and  that  his  or 
ganization  of  men  and  things  is  perfectly  wonderful, 
but,  fools  that  we  are,  we  have  become  attached  to 
our  own  muddling  ways  and  we  don't  want  to  change. 
In  other  words,  we  rather  enjoy  our  freedom.  We 
admit  that  we  ought  to  like  His  Imperial  Highness 
since  he  is  so  very  much  the  intimate  friend  of  God,  but 
possibly  our  souls  have  fallen  so  far  from  grace  that 
when  we  examine  our  minds  we  find  there  nothing  but 
contempt  and  dislike  mixed  with  just  a  little  pity. 
We  cannot  be  altogether  arch  sinners  because  we  are 
unable  to  muster  up  a  decent  hatred,  no  matter  how 
hard  we  try,  because  William  seems  to  us  a  poor  sort 
of  creature. 

77 


78  OVER  HERE 

I  cannot  understand  the  Prussian  point  of  view. 
It  was  quite  unnecessary  to  drag  Uncle  Sam  into  the 
war.  His  nature  is  so  kindly  that  he  is  always  will 
ing  to  give  the  other  man  the  benefit  of  the  doubt,  but 
there  are  limits  to  his  good  nature.  The  threat  to 
sink  the  merchant  ships  of  America  without  warning 
is  well  beyond  the  limit  of  his  patience.  The  Germans 
must  have  forgotten  the  travail  that  accompanied 
the  birth  of  this  great  nation.  To  them,  Uncle  Sam 
would  seem  to  be  merely  a  very  wealthy  merchant 
prince,  with  but  one  object — to  get  rich  as  quickly  as 
possible ;  a  merchant  prince  without  honour  where  his 
pockets  are  concerned.  If  they  had  decided  that  he 
was  merely  enjoying  a  rather  nice  after  luncheon 
sleep  they  would  have  been  a  little  nearer  the  truth. 
They  would  then  have  avoided  waking  him  up.  As  it 
is,  he  is  now  very  wide  awake,  and  he  is  also  examin 
ing  his  soul  very  carefully  and  wondering  just  a  little. 
His  eyes  too  are  very  wide  open  and  he  can  see  very 
plainly,  and  one  of  the  things  he  can  see  is  a  very 
unpleasant  little  emperor  over  in  Germany  daring  to 
issue  orders  to  his  children.  He  also  realizes  that 
since  God  has  given  him  the  wonderful  gift  of  free 
dom,  it  is  his  duty  to  see  that  other  people  are  allowed 
to  enjoy  the  same  privileges.  As  a  child,  it  was  neces 
sary  for  him  to  avoid  "  entangling  alliances,"  but  he 
is  now  a  man  with  a  man's  privileges  and  a  man's 
duties. 


A  NEW  ALLY!  79 

So  he  has  called  across  the  water  to  France :  "  I'm 
coming  to  help  you,  Lafayette,"  and  he  has  shouted 
across  the  water  to  Great  Britain :  "  John,  I  have 
never  been  quite  sure  of  you,  but  I  guess  you're  on 
the  right  track,  and  if  you  can  wait  a  little  I  expect 
to  be  able  to  help  you  quite  a  lot." 

Of  course,  Germany  expects  to  starve  Great 
Britain  into  subjection  before  Uncle  Sam  is  ready  to 
do  much.  She  also,  in  her  overwhelming  pride,  be 
lieves  that  her  own  nationals  in  the  States  possess 
sufficient  power  to  stultify  any  great  war  effort.  She 
also  believes  that  the  American  people  are  naturally 
pacifists  and  that  the  President  will  have  a  big  job  in 
front  of  him.  And  indeed  he  might  have  had  a  diffi 
cult  job,  too,  for  great  prosperity  tends  to  weaken 
the  offensive  power  of  a  democracy  and  there  were 
many  men  here  who  disliked  intensely  the  idea  of 
sending  an  army  of  American  men  to  France  to  fight 
side  by  side  with  England,  but  his  job  has  become 
child's  play  since  Zimmermann's  wily  scheme  to  ally 
Mexico  and  Japan  against  the  States  has  been  ex 
posed.  This  exposure  united  the  people  as  if  by 
magic.  The  people  began  to  scent  danger,  and  dan 
ger  close  at  home,  and  they  saw  at  once  that  the  only 
enemy  they  possessed  was  Kaiser  William.  When  the 
Kaiser  dies,  and  I  suppose  he  will  die  some  day,  it 
would  be  interesting  to  be  present  (just  for  a  second, 
of  course)  when  he  meets  his  grandfather's  great 


80  OVER  HERE 

friend,  Bismarck.  One  would  not  desire  to  stay  long 
on  account  of  the  climate  but  it  would  be  interesting 
nevertheless.  Would  Bismarck  weep  or  laugh? 

Of  course,  the  Zimmermann  scheme  counted  for 
very  little  with  the  great  minds  at  the  helm  of  state 
here,  but  it  did  rouse  the  ordinary  people  and  settled 
many  arguments. 

So  the  war  lord  is  going  to  drown  thousands  of 
sailors  in  order  that  a  million  lives  may  be  saved  on 
the  battlefields  of  Europe  1  What  a  pity  that  we  in 
efficient  and  contemptible  British,  American,  and 
French  people  cannot  agree  with  him.  What  fools 
we  all  must  seem  to  him  to  prefer  death  a  thousand 
times  rather  than  to  spend  a  single  second  in  the 
world  with  His  Imperial  Highness  as  our  lord  and 
master. 

Thank  heaven  we  can  see  him  as  he  is  really — just 
a  mad  chauffeur  with  his  foot  on  the  accelerator  dash 
ing  down  a  very  steep  hill  with  not  a  chance  in  the 
world  of  getting  around  that  nasty  turning  at  the 
bottom.  The  car  he  is  driving  to  destruction  is  a 
very  fine  machine,  too.  It  is  a  great  pity.  Perhaps 
it  will  break  down  suddenly  before  he  gets  to  the  bot 
tom  and  the  mad  chauffeur  will  come  an  awful 
cropper,  but  there  will  be  something  left  of  the 
machine. 

I  have  now  left  the  hotel  and  am  established  in  a 
very  happy  home.  It  was  difficult  to  get  lodgings, 


A  NEW  ALLY  I  81 

but  I  applied  to  J—  -  C —  -  for  help  and  he  sent  me 
down  to  Harry's  wife.  Harry  is  the  butler  of  a 
friend  of  mine,  one  of  the  head  steel  officials.  Anyone 

who  applies  to  J C —  -  for  help  always  gets  it. 

He  is  an  Irishman  who  has  not  been  in  Ireland  for 
half  a  century,  but  he  has  still  got  a  brogue.  I  called 
on  Harry's  wife  and  found  a  sweet  faced  English 
girl  with  a  small  young  lady  who  made  love  to  me 
promptly.  I  decided  to  move  as  soon  as  possible,  and 
now  I  am  perfectly  happy.  Harry's  wife  will  do  any 
thing  in  the  world  to  make  a  fellow  comfortable  and 
"  himself  "  keeps  my  clothes  pressed  in  his  spare  time. 
They  both  do  nice  little  things  for  me.  I  can  do  pre 
cisely  what  I  please  and  I  know  that  the  two  of  them 
are  very  interested. 

One  night,  four  cheery  people  came  in ;  one  seized 
a  mandolin,  another  a  guitar,  while  a  third  played  the 
piano.  It  was  quite  late  and  I  wondered  what  my 
gentle  landlord  and  his  lady  would  think.  While  the 
music  was  still  going  on  I  stole  out  to  reconnoitre  and 
saw  the  two  of  them  fox-trotting  round  the  kitchen 
like  a  couple  of  happy  children,  just  loving  the  music. 
Harry's  wife's  father  arid  her  brothers  are  all  sol 
diers  and  she  was  brought  up  at  Aldershot.  When  I 
write  things  for  magazines  she  listens  to  me  in  the 
middle  of  her  work  while  I  read  them  and  she  always 
expresses  enthusiasm.  When  the  ominous  package 
returns  she  is  as  depressed  as  I  am  about  it. 

6 


82  OVER  HERE 

A  friend  offered  me  what  he  alleged  to  be  a  well- 
bred  Western  Highland  terrier  in  Philadelphia,  and  I, 
of  course,  fell,  for  Becky,  Harry's  little  girl,  wanted 
a  dog.  My  friend  called  up  his  daughter  and  told 
her  to  send  one  of  the  puppies  along.  I  observed  that 
I  wanted  a  male  puppy  and  he  said :  "  Yep."  Com 
munications  must  have  broken  down  somewhere,  for  a 
tiny  female  puppy  arrived  in  a  pink  basket.  The 
person  who  said  that  my  puppy  was  a  Western  High 
land  terrier  was  an  optimist,  or  a  liar.  I  fear  that 
her  family  tree  would  not  bear  close  inspection.  How 
ever,  she  hopped  out  of  the  basket  and  expressed  a 
good  deal  of  pleasure.  She  ought  to  have  been  at  least 
another  month  with  her  mother.  We  gave  her  milk 
and  she  at  once  grew  so  stout  in  front  of  our  eyes 
that  we  all  shuddered,  wondering  what  would  happen 
next.  She  couldn't  walk,  but  after  a  time  her  figure 
became  more  normal.  She  had  very  nice  manners  on 
the  whole,  and  had  a  clinging  disposition  and  would 
worm  her  way  right  round  a  person's  back  under 
his  coat  and  emerge  from  under  his  collar  close  up  to 
his  neck.  In  a  few  days  she  became  perfectly  nude 
and  Jack,  calling,  mistook  her  for  a  rat,  but  was  dis 
appointed.  She  mistook  him  for  a  relation  and  too 
actively  showed  her  affection.  He  refused  to  look  at 
her,  placed  both  feet  on  my  shoulders,  looked  with  as 
tonishment  at  me,  and  left  the  house.  He  has  refused 
to  enter  ever  since.  Sally,  as  we  had  named  her, 


A  NEW  ALLY!  83 

got  even  more  nude,  so  I  got  some  anti-eczema  dope 
and  rubbed  her  with  it.  This  had  the  desired  effect 
and  her  hair  grew  again.  I  wish  you  could  see  her 
and  her  young  mistress  together,  mixed  up  with  six 
rabbits. 

Sally  refuses  to  look  like  a  Western  Highland 
terrier,  and  follows  me  about  looking  like  a  tiny 
rat.  A  man  pointed  to  us  one  day  and  said:  "  Wots 
that  ?  "  His  friend,  thinking  he  meant  an  automobile 
that  was  passing  said :  "  Just  a  flivver."  So  we  have 
decided  upon  Sally's  breed  and  she  is  called  a 
flivver  dog.  Like  all  dogs  of  mixed  breed  she  is  won 
derfully  intelligent,  and  her  young  mistress  and  her 
mistress's  mother  would  not  sell  her  for  a  million  dol 
lars.  She  has  more  friends  throughout  this  town 
than  we  can  ever  have.  Her  greatest  friend  is  a  fat 
policeman  who  lives  opposite.  I  took  her  to  a  picnic 
once  and  she  buried  all  our  sausages  which  they  call 
"  Frankfurters  "  here.  We  saw  her  disappearing 
with  the  last  one  almost  as  big  as  herself. 

I  am  very  lucky  to  have  secured  such  a  wonder 
ful  home  in  Bethlehem.  No  woman  enjoys  having 
strange  men  ruining  her  carpets  and  making  them 
selves  a  nuisance  generally,  and  as  the  Bethlehem  people 
are  mostly  well  off,  few  of  them  desire  to  take  in 
lodgers.  Harry's  wife  has  taken  me  in  because  she 
has  soldier  blood  and  royal  artillery  blood  in  her 
veins  and  she  wants  to  do  her  bit. 


VII 

SOME   BRITISH   SHELLS  FALL  SHORT 

BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  April  25, 1917. 

IN  the  days  of  the  Boer  war  we  used  to  sing  a 
patriotic  song  which  commenced  with  the  words 
"  War  clouds  gather  over  every  land."  War  clouds 
have  gathered  over  this  land  all  right,  but  they 
haven't  darkened  the  minds  of  the  people  in  any  way. 
With  a  quickness  and  a  keenness  that  is  surprising,  the 
people  have  realized  that  the  war  clouds  hovering 
over  the  United  States  have  a  very  beautiful  silver 
lining,  and  they  haven't  got  to  worry  about  turning 
them  inside  out  either,  because  they  know  the  silver 
lining  is  there  all  right.  Of  course,  the  womenfolk 
are  very  worried,  naturally.  I  don't  blame  them, 
when  I  look  at  their  sons. 

I  think  that  Uncle  Sam's  action  in  deciding  to 
fight  Germany  is  a  golden  lining  to  the  very  dark 
cloud  of  war  in  England.  I  am  hoping  that  the  folk 
over  here  will  realize  all  our  suffering  during  the  past 
three  years.  I  know  that  soon  they  will  understand 
that  the  so-called  "  England's  mistakes  "  were  not 
mistakes  really,  at  least  not  mistakes  made  since 
August,  1914,  but  just  the  great  big  composite  mis 
take  of  unpreparedness.  It  seems  to  me  that  Uncle 
84 


BRITISH  SHELLS  FALL  SHORT       85 

Sam  was  just  as  guilty.  He  himself  believes  that  he 
was  much  more  guilty  because  he  did  have  nearly 
three  years  to  think  about  the  matter. 

He  will  realize  that  we  could  not  save  Serbia,  be 
cause  we  simply  had  not  trained  men  or  tfre  guns  to 
equip  them  with.  He  will  know  that  the  Dardanelles 
business,  although  apparently  a  failure,  was  an  heroic 
effort  to  help  Russia  since  she  needed  help.  He  will 
realize  that  right  from  the  start  we  have  been  doing 
our  "damndest."  He  knows,  of  course,  that,  like 
the  United  States,  we  are  a  democracy,  a  form  of 
government  which  was  never  designed  with  the  object 
of  making  war  outside  its  own  council  chamber.  I 
dare  say  he  will  understand  the  whole  thing  finally; 
I  hope  that  he  will  grow  to  understand  us  as  a  nation 
and  that  we  will  learn  to  understand  him.  It  is  about 
time  that  we  did. 

It  is  very  interesting  over  here  to  watch  the  de 
velopment  of  popular  feeling.  Before  the  United 
States  broke  with  Germany  the  President,  of  course, 
came  in  for  his  share  of  criticism.  Now  the  man  who 
says  a  word  against  Mr.  Wilson  gets  it "  in  the  neck." 
All  the  people  realize  that  he  is  a  very  great  man  and 
both  Democrats  and  Republicans  are  united  in  one 
object — to  stand  by  the  President.  This  is  not  mere 
war  hysteria,  but  the  display  of  common  sense.  While 
the  country  was  at  peace  the  two  great  parties  en 
joyed  their  arguments,  and  I  dare  say  after  the  war 


86  OVER  HERE 

they  will  once  more  indulge  in  this  interesting  pas 
time,  but  not  until  Mr.  Hohenzollern  is  keeping  a 
second-hand  shop  in  a  small  street  in  Sweden  some 
where. 

All  my  men  friends  have  rushed  off  from  Bethlehem 
to  become  soldiers.  It  is  a  fine  thing  to  think  of 
these  American  fellows  fighting  beside  us.  You  will 
realize  this  when  you  discover  that  an  American  belies 
absolutely  his  British  reputation  of  being  a  boaster, 
with  little  to  boast  about.  However,  there  is  one 
phrase  that  I  wish  he  would  not  use  and  that  is  "  in 
the  world."  It  causes  misunderstanding  often.  I 
believe  that  the  American  fellow  that  I  meet  will  make 
a  wonderful  soldier  when  he  has  learned  a  few  things. 
It  seems  to  me  that  we  British  had  to  learn  quite  a  lot 
of  things  from  the  Germans  in  the  way  of  modern 
warfare  at  the  start. 

I  hate  to  think  of  an  anaemic  German  with  spec 
tacles  turning  his  machine  gun  on  these  fellows,  as 
with  much  courage  and  much  inexperience  they  ex 
pose  themselves,  until  they  learn  that  personal  cour 
age  allied  to  inexperience  make  an  impossible  com 
bination  against  the  Huns.  But  one  sees  them 
learning  difficult  lessons  for  their  temperament,  and 
finally  being  as  good  soldiers  as  our  own.  I  can  also 
see  them  willing  to  acknowledge  that  they  are  no 
better. 

We  have  discovered  that  Count  Bernstorff  was 


BRITISH  SHELLS  FALL  SHORT       87 

rather  an  impossible  person,  although]  plausible,  and 
altogether  it  is  quite  unsafe  to  be  a  German  sympa 
thizer  here  these  days.  I  am  a  little  afraid  of  German 
propaganda,  which  will  surely  take  subtle  steps  to 
interfere  with  the  friendship  that  can  be  seen  arising 
between  us  and  our  brothers  over  here.  I  dare  say 
England  will  be  very  severely  attacked  in  all  kinds  of 
cunning  ways.  Will  she  take  equally  subtle  steps  to 
combat  it? 

The  Russian  revolution  is  rather  a  blow.  The 
Slavs  ought  to  have  stuck  to  the  Czar  and  made  him 
into  an  ornamental  constitutional  monarch  for  the 
people  to  gape  at  and  to  be  duly  thrilled  with.  The 
trouble  is  that  Germany  will  have  a  wonderful  oppor 
tunity  during  the  birth  of  constitutional  rule  in 
Russia,  and  I  dare  say  she  will  try  to  arrange  to  have 
Nicholas  once  more  on  the  throne.  Germany  dislikes 
revolutions  close  to  her  borders,  and  a  Russian  re 
public  next  door  will  be  very  awkward  for  her  if  not 
dangerous.  Perhaps  in  this  revolution  lies  a  little 
hope  for  the  rest  of  the  world.  Perhaps  the  German 
people  may  catch  the  "  disease  "  and  we  may  have 
peace  some  day.  The  revolutionary  spirit  is  very 
"  catching." 

Marshal  Joffre  and  Mr.  Balfour  have  arrived  arid 
both  of  them  have  made  a  wonderful  impression  over 
here.  It  is  interesting  to  know  that  British  genius 
could  reach  such  heights  as  to  choose  such  a  very 


88  OVER  HERE 

proper  gentleman  as  Mr.  Balfour  for  the  job.  Some 
of  my  friends  are  a  little  apologetic  because  more 
attention  seems  to  be  paid  to  the  great  French  gen 
eral  than  to  Mr.  Balfour,  but  I  say :  "  Lord  bless  your 
soul,  why  we  sent  Mr.  Balfour  over  here  to  join  in 
your  huzzahs  to  Marshal  Joffre.  He  will  shout '  Vive 
La  France ! '  to  Joffre  with  any  one  of  you." 

Thank  heaven  that  our  folk  realized  that  the 
American  people  want  our  very  best  sent  over  to 
them,  and  that  they  love  very  dearly  that  type  of 
old  world  courteousness  and  gentility  that  Mr.  Bal 
four  represents.  It  is  good  thing  that  they  did  not 
send  a  "  shirt-sleeved "  politician.  Altogether  I 
know  that  Mr.  Balfour's  mission  will  help  to  form  a 
foundation  stone  to  a  lasting  friendship  between 
America  and  ourselves.  He  has  belted  knights  and 
all  kinds  of  superior  officers  with  him.  They  are  very 
decorative,  and,  of  course,  very  useful  to  the  folk  over 
here,  since  they  are  armed  with  much  information  that 
will  surely  help ;  but  if  Mr.  Balfour  had  arrived  on  an 
ordinary  liner  alone  and  had  walked  down  the  gang 
way  with  his  bag  of  golf  clubs,  his  welcome  would 
have  been  just  as  fervent,  and  the  effect  he  has  al 
ready  produced  just  as  great;  for  the  thing  that 
America  fell  for  was  his  calm  simplicity  and  gentle 
ness.  I  wish  that  the  American  people  could  know 
that  Mr.  Balfour  represents  the  type  of  British 
gentleman  that  we  all  hold  as  an  ideal.  Of  course,  we 


BRITISH  SHELLS  FALL  SHORT       89 

cannot  all  possess  his  personality,  nor  his  brilliant 
intellect,  but  I  am  certain  that  we  could  try  to  copy 
his  method  of  dealing  with  our  cousins  over  here. 

Sometimes  I  think  that  before  a  representative  of 
our  Empire  is  allowed  to  land  in  this  country  he 
should  be  forced  to  pass  an  examination  held  by  the 
best  humourists  who  work  for  the  London  Punch. 
An  entente  cordiale  with  America  would  then  be  per 
fectly  simple.  Perhaps  it  would  be  a  good  thing  if 
our  folk  realized  that  they  don't  know  anything  about 
this  country. 

When  American  people  see  two  Frenchmen  and  a 
couple  of  Englishmen  misbehaving  themselves,  and 
treading  on  people's  toes — not  an  unusual  sight,  es 
pecially  in  regard  to  the  last  named — they  don't 
shrug  their  shoulders  and  say :  "  These  Europeans, 
aren't  they  perfectly  awful  ?  "  They  merely  remark : 
"  English  manners."  Unfortunately  that  seems  to  be 
enough. 

American  people  do  not  seem  to  understand  what 
they  call  our  "  class  distinctions."  However,  I  am 
sure  that  they  have  not  the  slightest  difficulty  in 
understanding  the  type  represented  by  Mr.  Balfour. 
Christ  died  in  order  that  we  should  be  neighbourly. 
All  nations  have  been  affected  by  Christianity  to  a 
greater  or  to  a  less  degree;  in  fact,  at  the  back  of 
all  our  minds  there  is  still  the  Christian  ideal  of 
gentleness.  When  a  man  has  attained  that  state  of 


90  OVER  HERE 

mind  which  prevents  him  from  offending  another  by 
thought,  word,  or  deed  without  decent  provocation; 
and  when  by  self  discipline  and  training  he  has  at 
tained  what  Mathew  Arnold  called  "  sweet  reason 
ableness  "  to  me  it  seems  he  has  approached  very 
closely  to  the  Christian  ideal. 

And  so  the  word  "  gentleman  "  denotes  something 
which  cannot  be  in  the  least  affected  by  birth  or  class 
distinctions.  The  only  thing  is  that  people  of  birth 
and  fortune  are  able  to  study  up  the  question  a  bit 
more  thoroughly,  and  having  time  to  read,  they  are 
influenced  by  the  thousands  of  "  gentlefolk  "  who  have 
left  their  record  upon  the  pages  of  history.  Still 
amongst  the  very  poor  of  Whitechapel  and  Battersea 
I  have  met  some  wonderful  gentlemen  and  gentle 
women  who  would  find  great  difficulty  in  reading  even 
the  editorial  page  of  the  New  York  Journal. 

We  are  certainly  living  in  thrilling  times  over 
here.  Great  Britain  has  a  tremendous  opportunity 
methinks.  I  hope  that  she  will  seize  hold  of  it.  It 
will  be  fine  to  have  a  great  big  strong  friend  beside  us 
throughout  the  coming  centuries.  At  the  moment 
John  Bull  is  a  little  puffed  up  with  pride  and  so  is 
Uncle  Sam.  Neither  possesses  much  humility,  but 
after  the  war  they  will  both  be  a  little  thinner  and  the 
matter  ought  not  to  be  difficult,  though  there  will  still 
be  a  few  difficulties  in  the  way. 

Of   course,  to  talk  like   this   may  seem   a  little 


BRITISH  SHELLS  FALL  SHORT       91 

strange  when  the  British  flag  is  flying  all  over  America 
side  by  side  with  the  Stars  and  Stripes.  But  flag 
waving  and  the  bursting  forth  of  sentimental  oratory 
mean  nothing,  really.  It  is  the  foundation  of  a 
structure  that  counts,  and  the  foundation  of  Anglo- 
American  friendship  must  be  a  firm  one.  Perhaps  one 
or  two  bricks  in  the  present  foundation  could  be  re 
moved  with  good  results.  I'm  not  going  to  talk  about 
the  American  side  of  the  business,  but  I  do  think  that 
if  some  of  the  Britishers  who  arrive  here  would  real 
ize  that  they  have  got  extremely  irritating  manners 
it  might  be  a  good  thing. 

If  we  are  going  to  criticise  our  cousins,  we  should 
spend  at  least  three  years  in  their  country;  that 
would  allow  us  to  spend  about  a  month  in  each  state. 
Frankly,  I  believe  that  after  a  little  experience  here, 
if  we  should  be  normal  persons  wanting  to  find  out 
things,  all  desire  to  criticise  unkindly  would  leave  us. 
At  any  rate  we  should  take  an  intelligent  line.  We 
might  learn  a  little,  too.  This  would  be  a  great  help. 
Of  course,  the  "  Colonel's  lady  "  would  still  perform 
surgical  operations  but  she  would  do  her  work 
cleverly.  Of  course,  America  with  its  mighty  size 
and  variety  of  climates  has  been  long  enough  in 
habited  to  allow  the  formation  of  differing  groups  of 
people. 

In  England  the  people  have  a  vague  idea  that  a 
member  of  the  Four  Hundred,  with  a  mansion  on 


92  OVER  HERE 

Fifth  Avenue,  represents  a  typical  American.  Tell 
that  to  a  lady  with  a  long  list  of  polite  ancestors  and 
quite  a  lot  of  money  who  lives  in  Maryland.  Tell  it  to 
an  aristocratic  New  Englander  whose  ancestors 
braved  the  elements  in  the  May-flower.  Mention  it 
casually  to  some  of  the  people  living  not  too  far 
from  Rittenhouse  Square,  and  then  expect  another 
invitation  to  dinner.  You  won't  get  one.  The  May 
flower  business  is  very  interesting.  Some  pretty 
funny  people  arrived  in  England  with  the  Conqueror, 
judging  by  their  descendants.  His  followers  were 
very  prolific,  I  am  sure;  but  they  had  very  small 
families  when  compared  with  pilgrims  who  arrived  in 
the  Mai/flower. 

I  don't  know  very  much  about  Washington,  but  I 
went  to  a  party  there  not  long  ago  which  I  shall 
never  be  able  to  forget.  It  was  marvellous,  and  the 
most  wonderful  part  about  the  function  was  my 
hostess,  whose  diamonds  would  ransom  a  king,  but 
her  jewels  formed  merely  a  setting  to  her  own  charm 
ing  natural  self.  That's  what  I  thought,  at  any  rate, 
as  I  sat  and  chatted  to  her  about  the  island  in  the 
west  of  Scotland  from  where  her  children's  forebears 
came. 

Like  us  and  the  Chinese,  American  people  some 
times  worship  their  ancestors,  but  they  never  burn 
this  incense  in  front  of  their  own  folk,  as  far  as  I  can 
see,  except,  of  course,  when  they  are  related  to  the 


BRITISH  SHELLS  FALL  SHORT       93 

great  Americans  of  the  past.  Some  have  wonderful 
crests  of  which  they  seem  a  little  proud,  and,  of 
course,  a  good  looking  crest  is  a  great  help  on  the 
whole,  especially  in  matters  that  don't  count  a  scrap. 

To  the  ordinary  snob,  things  over  here  are  a 
little  difficult  because  you  simply  cannot  place  a  per 
son  in  his  or  her  social  sphere  by  studying  the  accent. 
In  Great  Britain  we  have  this  worked  out  in  the  most 
perfect  manner  so  that  from  the  moment  of  intro 
duction  almost,  we  can  tell  whether  the  person  intro 
duced  is  guilty  of  the  terrible  crime  of  being  a  "  prov 
incial,"  poor  chap ! 

Frankly,  I  am  going  to  dare  to  say  that  I  think 
it  would  be  a  jolly  good  idea  if  some  of  the  people  I 
know  and  love  did  worry  a  little  more  about  the  way 
they  pronounce  their  words,  because  a  lot  of  them  are 
simply  too  lazy  to  worry.  However,  the  things  they 
say  are  awfully  nice  and  that  is  what  counts  in  the 
long  run,  so  I  suppose  it  doesn't  matter  very  much. 

Talking  about  ancestors,  a  great  friend  of  mine 
here  in  Bethlehem  was  faintly  interested  in  his  fore 
bears,  and  visiting  the  place  from  where  his  father 
came  he  inquired  from  the  lady  of  the  inn  if  there  were 
any  Johnstones  living  in  those  parts.  She  replied: 
"  Did  you  come  up  to  the  house  in  a  hansom  cab?  " 

"  Yes,"  he  replied. 

"  Well,  that  was  a  Johnstone  that  drove  ye." 

"Are  there  any  others?  "  he  asked. 


94  OVER  HERE 

"  Yes,  but  they're  all  thieves." 

She  told  him  the  story  of  a  man  wandering  through 
the  village  seeking  a  "  ludgin,"  and  being  exhausted, 
finally  shouted :  "  Isn't  there  a  '  Chreestian  '  living  in 
this  toon?  "  Up  went  a  window,  and  a  woman's  voice 
shrieked :  "  Do  ye  no  ken  that  there  are  only  John- 
stones  and  Jardines  living  in  the  place,  ye  feckless 
loon !  "  Down  went  the  window. 


VIII 

LACRYMATORY   SHELLS 
BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  July  23, 1917. 

A  STEAY  Englishman  dropped  in  to  see  me  the 
other  night  in  New  York.  I  know  rather  well  the 
girl  he  had  hoped  to  marry.  He  seemed  rather  de 
pressed,  and  told  me  that  she  had  written  in  reply  to 
his  proposal  of  marriage  that  if  he  thought  that 
Providence  had  brought  her  to  her  by  no  means  in 
considerable  numbers  of  years  especially  to  be  re 
served  for  him,  it  was  obvious  that  he  must  regard  as 
extremely  shortsighted  the  Supreme  Being  guarding 
the  lives  of  us  poor  mortals.  He  seems  to  have  be 
come  very  depressed  and  regarded  all  women  as  hard 
hearted  tyrants.  This  lasted  for  some  days  and  the 
moving  pictures  with  a  love-interest  lost  all  their 
wonted  charm.  It  was  very  sad  because  the  lady  is 
an  extremely  nice  girl  and  very  good  looking,  al 
though  she  has  been  to  Girton. 

I  don't  know  anything  about  the  Cambridge 
women  but  I  have  seen  a  perfectly  priceless  suffra 
gette  from  Girton,  it  was  alleged,  addressing  a  crowd 
in  the  market  square  at  Cambridge,  while  a  large 
throng  of  undergraduates  looked  at  her  with  much 
admiration.  I  remember  a  low  townee  fellow  said 

95 


96  OVER  HERE 

"  rats  "  to  one  of  her  statements.  She  replied  with 
the  sweetest  smile  in  the  world:  "  That's  an  intelli 
gent  remark,"  while  a  large  football  player  took 
revenge  on  the  chap. 

From  all  this  you  will  gather  that  I  know  but  little 
about  the  womenfolk  of  Blighty.  I  have  never  thought 
very  much  about  them  nor  studied  their  habits. 
However,  over  here  in  America  our  countrywomen  are 
well  known  by  their  female  cousins.  The  American 
girl  does  not  think  much  about  the  English  girl,  ex 
cept  to  admire  and  like  her  accent,  but  the  mature 
American  women  who  thinks  at  all  wonders  a  little  at 
the  docility  towards  their  men  folk  shown  by  our 
women.  I  love  to  tease  them  about  it.  An  Ameri 
can  man  observed  to  me  once  that  England  was 
"  heaven  for  horses,  but  hell  for  women." 

Yesterday  I  was  coming  from  New  York  in  a 
train  with  a  lady  from  a  small  and  very  charming 
American  town.  We  talked  about  many  things 
and  then  about  our  women.  I  told  her  some 
"  woppers  "  and  she  became  steadily  furious.  I  said 
to  her  that  all  women  really  liked  "  cave  men,"  that 
they  liked  a  man  who  could  control  them,  someone 
big  and  strong  and  fine.  I  said  that  women  were  a 
little  like  horses ;  they  invariably  got  rid  of  the  fellow 
who  could  not  control  them,  and  that  this  explained 
the  number  of  divorces  in  America.  I  pointed  out, 
however,  that  the  really  brutal  man  was  equally  use- 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  97 

less ;  but  the  fellow  a  woman  liked  best  was  the  chap 
who  took  complete  control  and  loved  her  an  awful  lot 
as  well.  "  You  know  yourself  that  you  love  to  do 
little  things  for  your  husband,  to  light  his  study 
lamps  for  him — perhaps  when  he  is  tired  after  a 
day's  work  while  you  have  been  to  an  interesting  tea, 
to  place  his  slippers  by  the  study  fire  ready  for  him  to 
put  on  before  he  dresses  for  dinner,"  I  continued. 
The  conversation  became  dangerous  for  she  thought 
I  was  serious.  Perhaps  I  was  a  little.  But  I  could 
not  have  been  altogether  serious  for  I  know  nothing 
about  the  subject.  However,  I  do  remember  once, 
years  ago,  staying  at  a  country  parsonage.  The 
vicar  was  not  at  all  poor.  I  was  sitting  in  his  study 
awaiting  his  return.  As  darkness  commenced  to  creep 
over  the  countryside  my  hostess  came  in  and  removed 
from  the  chimney  piece  two  large  lamps  which  she 
proceeded  to  trim  and  finally  to  light.  She  then 
brought  in  and  placed  by  the  fire  two  soft  house- 
shoes,  and  then  examined  the  cushions  on  his  chair.  I 
wondered  a  little  for  there  seemed  an  awful  lot  of  ser 
vants  about,  but  she  explained  that  she  had  done  the 
same  thing  for  twelve  years  and  liked  to  do  it.  "  The 
poor  boy  is  often  so  very  tired  after  he  returns  from 
visiting,  and  servants  never  seem  able  to  do  these  little 
things  really  well,"  she  said.  Then  the  vicar  arrived 
and  I  was  not  at  all  astonished  at  the  devotion  shown 
by  his  wife. 
7 


98  OVER  HERE 

But  the  lady  from  the  little  town,  a  very  fashion 
able  little  American  town,  could  not  understand  this 
at  all.  She  got  a  little  excited  as  she  said :  "  If  my 
husband  were  ill  and  could  not  walk  I  would  gladly 
get  his  slippers  for  him  " :  and  across  her  face  there 
crept  a  resigned  and  helpless  look  as  though  her  hus 
band  were  already  ill.  Of  course,  I  was  merely  joking 
with  her,  but  it  was  all  very  interesting  and  I  got  her 
point  of  view. 

Now  far  be  it  from  me  to  say  a  word  against  the 
girls  of  America.  I  think  that  they  are  perfectly 
wonderful.  But  why  do  they  whiten  their  noses? 
That  is  a  settled  habit.  However,  it  is  interesting  to 
study  their  habits.  I  think  it  is  a  fact  that  they  do 
really  control  their  husbands,  and  it  seems  to  me  a 
very  good  thing,  too.  I  should  not  like  to  be  con 
trolled  by  a  lady  from  New  England,  however,  of  the 
superior  working  class.  One  tried  to  control  me 
once  and  I  hated  it,  and  used  to  thank  a  merciful 
Providence  that  she  was  not  my  wife.  I  would  have 
committed  suicide  or  escaped  or  something. 

But  let  me  tell  you  about  Miss  America  as  I  see 
her.  The  subject  is  a  dangerous  one  for  a  mere  man 
to  attempt,  but  I  have  a  bon  courage  as  a  French 
lady  once  said  after  I  had  spoken  much  French. 

Just  after  America  broke  off  diplomatic  relations 
with  Germany  we  were  all  waiting  for  an  "  overt  act." 
A  fellow  at  lunch  said  that  the  only  overt  act  that 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  99 

would  stir  the  American  heart  to  its  depths  would  be 
the  shelling  of  Atlantic  City  and  the  consequent  death 
of  all  the  "  chickens."  "  Is  Atlantic  City  the  great 
poultry  centre  of  the  States?  "  I  asked  innocently. 
Everybody  yelled  at  once,  "  Yes,  Mac  " ;  and  then 
they  all  laughed.  I  wondered  that  if  the  great  Ameri 
can  heart  could  be  stirred  by  the  death  of  many  hens 
what  on  earth  would  happen  if  the  Boche  shelled 
Broadway?  But  there  seemed  more  in  it  than  met  the 
eye.  I  have  since  learnt  what  a  "  chicken  "  is. 

When  a  girl  of  the  working  classes  dresses  herself 
particularly  smartly  (and,  believe  me,  the  American 
girl  knows  how  to  turn  herself  out  very  well),  and  also 
powders  and  paints  her  pretty  little  face,  and  then 
goes  about  the  city  seeking  whom  she  may  find  she  is 
then  called  a  "  chicken."  She  is  not  necessarily  an 
immoral  person  as  far  as  I  can  see.  There  is  some 
thing  fluffy  and  hop-skip-and- jumpy  in  her  deport 
ment.  She  believes  that  the  world  was  made  to  enjoy 
one's  self  in  and  she  thinks  that  necessarily  to  wait  for 
an  introduction  to  every  nice  boy  one  sees  about  is  a 
waste  of  opportunities.  I  rather  agree  with  her.  So 
she  does  her  very  best  to  look  charming.  I  hate  the 
word,  but  she  develops  "  cuteness  "  rather  than  any 
thing  else.  Her  shoes  (white  shoes,  high  heeled)  are 
generally  smartly  cut  and  her  frock  well  up  to  the 
fashion;  but  it  is  generally  her  hat  that  gives  her 
more  opportunities  to  display  her  powers.  There  is  a 


100  OVER  HERE 

tilt  about  it,  something,  I  don't  quite  know  what,  that 
catches  the  eye.  She  seems  to  develop  a  hat  that  will 
agree  with  her  eyes  which  are  often  very  pretty  and 
lively.  Sometimes  a  curl  or  a  wisp  of  hair  just  does 
the  trick.  She  rather  loves  colours,  but  I  think  she 
knows  how  to  make  the  very  best  of  her  appearance. 
One  can  imagine  her  spending  hours  at  home  making 
her  own  frocks  and  trimming  her  own  hats.  She 
often  appears  more  smartly  turned  out  than  her  sister 
higher  up,  the  social  leader.  You  see  her  by  the 
hundreds  in  New  York.  I  rather  admire  her  attitude 
of  mind.  She  certainly  decorates  the  streets.  At 
first  I  thought  that  a  chicken  was  really  an  immoral 
young  person,  but  as  far  as  I  can  gather  she  is  not 
necessarily  more  immoral  than  any  other  woman  in 
any  other  class.  I  cannot  tell  you  whether  she  is 
amusing  or  not.  American  men  seem  to  find  them 
very  diverting. 

The  other  type  of  hard  working  American  girl  I 
like  very  much.  She  works  fearfully  hard,  and 
although  her  wages  may  be  good,  living  in  this  coun 
try  is  relatively  high.  Unfortunately  it  is  a  little 
difficult  for  me  to  tell  you  very  much  about  her. 
She  can  seldom  understand  my  effort  at  English 
and  she  thinks  I  am  a  fool  mostly,  or  an  actor. 
When  I  have  finished  my  business  and  have  turned 
my  back  to  go  out  she  joins  her  friends  and  laughs. 
I  find  this  offensive,  but  I  suppose  she  means  little 


LACRYMATORY  SHETJ^  • : ;      101 

harm.  Even  if  she  has  to  support  a  poor  mother  she 
will  never  let  you  know  it  by  her  personal  appearance, 
which  is  never  dowdy  but  always  smart.  She  is  very 
competent  and  clever,  as  far  as  I  caln  see,  and 
shoulders  her  burden  with  a  fine  spirit.  I  have  at  least 
four  great  friends  in  a  store  in  Philadelphia  whom  I 
not  only  admire,  but  like  very  much.  You  see  I  am 
falling  into  the  error  of  judging  the  women  of  a  huge 
nation  by  the  few  persons  I  have  met. 

If  I  have  not  actually  said  so,  I  have  nevertheless 
perhaps  suggested  to  your  mind  that  I  regard 
Madame  America  as  the  survival  of  the  fittest  in 
domestic  relations.  Monsieur  America  has  enough 
battles  to  fight  in  the  business  world  without  bother 
ing  about  domestic  politics  and  so  Madame  reigns 
supreme.  You  see,  when  a  fellow  over  here  seeks  a 
wife  he  doesn't  enjoy  the  process  of  courting  unless 
he  has  to  strive.  A  girl  has  got  to  be  "  rushed."  I  be 
lieve  that  there  must  be  fewer  women  than  men  over 
here  because  every  nice  girl  I  know  has  several  ad 
mirers.  However,  he  has  really  a  hectic  time  and  has 
got  to  be  very  humble.  Now  in  England  I  will  admit 
that  a  fellow  has  also  to  be  humble  unless  he  is  a 
conceited  ass  or  very  handsome,  but  his  humility  ends 
with  the  honeymoon  and  he  assumes  his  position  as 
lord  of  creation.  This  is  expected  of  him.  But 
Madame  America  refuses  to  regard  her  husband  as 
anything  else  but  her  lover  or  her  slave  and  she  takes 


102  OVER  HERE 

l*% :  :*"  :.."-£ '«v  ^  *,...;' v^V  >; 

the  necessary  steps  to  keep  him  in  his  proper  place. 
Sometimes  she  loses  her  intelligence  and  takes 
the  pathetic  attitude  but  no  more  often  than  her 
cousin  in  England  does.  This  is  very  effective  and 
causes  some  husbands  to  take  a  drink  when  they  are 
more  easily  though  less  satisfactorily  kept  in  sub 
jection.  Perhaps 'they  develop  a  love  for  bowling 
alleys  and  other  vices,  and  spend  most  of  their  time 
at  the  club. 

More  often  Madame  America  succeeds  by  her  effi 
ciency  in  every  direction.  She  refuses  to  grow  old 
and  lets  her  husband  see  that  her  affection  and  friend 
ship  are  still  worth  striving  for.  She  also  sees  that  her 
household  is  run  on  thoroughly  efficient  lines  and  that 
the  cooking  is  always  satisfactory.  I  don't  quite  know 
how  to  describe  it,  but  the  very  appearance  of  an 
American  woman  suggests  fitness.  By  Jove,  she  cer 
tainly  dresses  well.  I  think  that  she  expects  to  be 
amused  rather  than  to  amuse  and  in  this  she  loses  a 
little  of  woman's  greatest  power.  I  fear  I  am  on 
dangerous  ground.  However,  in  my  experience  over 
here  most  of  the  married  folk  I  have  met  seem  just  as 
happy  as  married  folk  anywhere  else.  Still  I  think 
that  the  woman  in  America  is  very  much  the  head  of 
the  house.  She  has  attained  her  position  through  her 
efficiency,  so  I  suppose  she  deserves  to  maintain  it. 
Politically  it  has  interesting  results.  In  some  ways  it 
may  explain  America's  former  peaceful  attitude  to- 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  103 

wards  the  Germans  at  the  beginning  of  the  war. 
Women  don't  like  war  outside  their  own  houses,  and 
they  hate  losing  their  sons.  I  would  not  dare  to  say 
it  myself,  but  it  has  been  alleged  by  someone  or  other 
that  women  have  their  sense  of  sympathy  more  de 
veloped  than  their  sense  of  honour.  They  certainly 
are  very  loving  persons  and  it  does  not  matter  to 
them  whether  the  Kaiser  insults  the  nation  as  long  as 
he  does  not  hurt  their  boys.  I  rather  think  that  they 
would  have  not  the  slightest  objection  to  fighting 
themselves  if  the  flag  were  insulted.  I  suspect  that 
they  might  enjoy  it  almost,  but  in  regard  to  their 
sons  they  are  indeed  veritable  cowards  by  proxy. 

When  an  American  man  is  away  from  his  wife,  I 
care  not  how  respectable  he  be  or  how  happily  mar 
ried,  a  change  seems  to  creep  all  over  him  and  he  be 
comes  at  once  the  most  boyish,  lively,  cheery  person 
imaginable,  even  if  he  is  sixty.  He  is  not  a  dull  per 
son  with  Madame,  but  when  he  gets  off  by  himself 
things  begin  to  move.  We  British  get  hopelessly 
married,  and  our  clubs  never  strike  me  as  being  par 
ticularly  hilarious  or  buoyant  sort  of  places.  They 
always  seem  a  little  dull.  I  have  been  put  up  at  a 
famous  club  in  Philadelphia.  Here  mere  man  is 
supreme.  No  women  may  enter  its  sacred  portals,  no 
matter  who  she  may  be.  Let  me  tell  you  about  its 
habitues.  Of  course,  it  is  impossible  to  say  what  sort 
of  club  it  is  in  peace  time ;  but,  at  the  moment,  ah1  its 


104  OVER  HERE 

members  are  well  on  the  wrong  side  of  thirty.  The 
others  have  gone  long  ago. 

The  war  has  caused  a  great  deal  of  depression 
amongst  the  remaining  men  of  this  club.  When  war 
broke  out  all  the  members  from  fifty  downwards  were 
thrilled.  At  last  they  were  going  to  get  a  chance  to 
fight  for  their  country.  Were  they  not  all  members 
of  the  City  Troop?  Certainly  some  of  them  needed 
pretty  large  horses  to  carry  them,  and  some  indeed 
found  it  difficult  to  button  all  the  tiny  buttons  on 
their  tunics.  Still  this  would  soon  be  made  all  right. 
Gee !  it  was  fine  to  get  a  chance  to  fight  those  Huns. 

Alas,  the  cold  blooded  doctor  failed  to  pass  some 
of  them  and  the  joy  of  belonging  to  the  City  Troop 
has  left  them.  It  is  useless  for  the  doctor  to  explain 
that  unless  a  man  is  in  the  pink  of  condition  it  is  im 
possible  for  him  to  last  long  in  trench  warfare.  He 
collapses.  They  say  that  they  don't  object  to  this  a 
bit,  and  then  he  has  got  to  say  brutally  that  a  sick 
man  costs  the  country  at  the  front  more  money  and 
more  trouble  than  a  single  man  is  worth.  So  they 
are  now  convinced,  but  they  hate  it  and  go  about 
helping  all  they  can,  but  sadly.  One  day  I  was  sit 
ting  in  the  club  talking  to  three  interesting  men  who 
were  endeavouring  to  get  as  many  horrors  of  war 
out  of  me  as  possible,  when  a  cheery-faced  gentle 
man  appeared  coming  over  towards  us.  The  elderly 
man  next  to  me  brightened  up  and  said :  "  Here  comes 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  105 

a  ray  of  sunshine  down  the  canon."  He  certainly  was 
a  ray  of  sunshine  as  he  commenced  to  say  quick,  rapid 
funny  things. 

At  this  club  there  is  a  beautiful  swimming  pool 
with  Turkish  baths  and  other  fancies  attached.  On 
the  banks  of  the  pool,  so  to  speak,  there  are  com 
fortable  lounges  and  one  can  order  an}^thing  one 
requires.  There  are  generally  several  others  there. 
On  these  occasions  I  always  think  that  this  world 
would  have  fewer  wrecked  homes  if  we  went  about 
dressed  like  Fijians.  Just  outside  the  pool  is  the 
dressing  room  with  cubicles.  It  is  a  good  idea  to 
treat  with  respect  all  the  members  one  sees  here 
dressed  in  towels,  especially  during  these  military 
days. 

But  to  return  to  the  ladies — we  had  an  interest 
ing  young  person  attached  to  our  battery  in  France 
once.  I'd  like  to  tell  you  about  her.  Unfortunately 
she  was  merely  a  dream,  an  inspiration,  or  perhaps  a 
rather  vulgar,  good-natured  fairy  who  came  from  the 
"  Never  Never  Land  "  to  amuse  and  to  interest  the 
small  group  of  officers  living  in  the  Vert  Rue  not 
very  far  from  the  city  called  by  Thomas  Atkins 
"  Armon  Tears." 

One  night  after  dinner  the  major,  Wharton  the 
senior  subaltern,  Taunton  the  junior  subaltern,  and 
I  were  sitting  around  the  mess  table  in  our  billet. 
Suddenly  in  a  thoughtful  manner  the  major  read 


106  OVER  HERE 

aloud  the  following  notice  from  one  of  the  small  batch 
of  antique  copies  of  the  London  Times  which  had  been 
sent  to  him  by  a  kindly  wife :  "  Lady,  young,  would 
like  to  correspond  with  lonely  subaltern.  Address 
Box  411,  London  Times."  After  looking  round  at 
the  three  of  us  he  remarked :  "  That  seems  to  present 
possibilities ;  I  think  that  Taunton  had  better  answer 
it."  The  major,  a  wily  person  and  one  who  never 
missed  an  opportunity  to  get  something  for  his 
beloved  battery,  saw  in  the  advertisement  some  amuse 
ment,  and  an  opportunity  to  exploit  kindness  of  heart 
on  the  part  of  some  romantic  young  person.  Taun 
ton,  young,  good  looking,  nineteen,  and  woefully  in 
experienced  in  les  affaires  de  coeur  was  obviously  the 
man. 

So  the  major  commenced  to  dictate  what  seemed 
to  us  at  the  time  to  be  a  rather  amusing  letter. 
Taunton  wrote  rather  slowly,  as  well  as  badly,  so  the 
major  seized  the  pen  and  paper  and  did  the  job  him 
self.  As  far  as  I  remember  the  letter  ran  as  follows : 

"  Dear  Friend  : 

"  The  mail  arrived  this  evening  at  the  small 
hamlet  from  where  my  guns  endeavour  to  kill  and 
disturb  the  horrid  Germans.  I  cannot,  I  fear,  give 
you  the  exact  geographical  location,  but  you  will 
doubtlessly  regard  our  position  as  what  '  our  Spe 
cial  Correspondent,  John  Fibbs,'  so  originally  calls 
'  Somewhere  in  France.' 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  107 

"  The  mail  arrived  in  a  large  canvas  bag,  and  soon 
its  sacred  contents  were  safely  deposited  upon  the 
ground  by  a  gentle  corporal,  who  seemed  but  little 
disturbed  by  the  impatience  displayed  by  sundry  offi 
cers,  as  he  endeavoured  to  sort  the  letters.  Of  course, 
I  was  there.  I  always  am,  but  as  usual  there  was 
nothing  for  me.  Although  I  am  hardened  to  such  dis 
appointments  I  felt  my  loneliness  more  keenly  than 
ever  to-night.  I  don't  quite  know  why.  Perhaps  it 
was  the  obvious  glee  displayed  by  Sergeant  Beetle- 
stone  as  he  unfolded  a  package  of  what  he  described 
as  '  Tabs.'  (You,  dear  friend,  would  call  them 
cigarettes.)  Perhaps  it  was  the  happiness  on  the 
face  of  Corporal  Warner  as  he  shared  an  anaemic 
meat  pie  with  two  friends. 

"  However,  after  dinner  I  sat  disconsolate  while 
the  others,  I  mean  my  brother  officers,  held  joyful  con 
verse  with  many  sheets  of  closely  written  note  paper. 
It  is  true  that  I  was  eating  some  frosted  fruit  sent  to 
the  major  by  his  loving  wife.  Very  near  me  on  the 
table  stood  a  large  box  of  green  sweets  called  '  Creme 
de  Mint,"  but  they  were  sent  to  Wharton  by  his 
fiancee.  I  was  very  sad,  and  my  mind  rushed  back  to 
that  famous  picture  of  an  aged  lady  twanging  a  harp 
with  her  eye  fixed  upon  the  portrait  of  her  dead 
husband. 

"  Suddenly  a  look  of  hope  must  have  crept  over 
my  features,  as  my  eyes  became  fixed  upon  the  table 


108  OVER  HERE 

cloth,  for  thereon  I  read  your  charming  notice.  We 
always  prefer  the  London  Times  as  a  table  cloth. 
The  paper  is  of  good  quality.  One  officer  we  had 
seemed  to  prefer  the  Daily  Telegraph,  but  he  got 
badly  wounded  and  so  prevented  the  recurrence  of 
many  arguments. 

"  You  can  have  no  idea  what  that  little  notice 
meant  to  me.  It  was  the  dawn  of  hope.  A  lady, 
young,  desired  to  correspond  with  me ;  yes,  with  me. 
No  longer  should  I  stand  alone  and  isolated  during 
the  happiest  five  minutes  of  the  day,  when  the  mail 
bag  arrived  from  dear  old  England.  No  longer  should 
I  enjoy  the  sweets  and  candy  purchased  by  another 
man's  loved  one.  No  longer  should  I  be  compelled  to 
borrow  and  wear  the  socks,  sweaters,  mufflers,  and 
mittens  knitted  by  hands  uninterested  in  me.  All 
would  soon  be  changed.  Oh,  the  j  oy  of  it ! 

"  Dear  friend,  I  hope  that  soon  I  shall  receive  a 
photograph  of  your  charming  self  so  that  my  dugout 
may  become  a  paradise.     I  intend  to  write  regularly 
to  you  and  I  expect  you  to  prove  likewise  constant. 
"  When  the  sun  starts  to  sink  from  my  sight, 

When  the  birds  start  to  roost  'neath  the  eaves, 

There's  one  thing  that's  to  me  a  delight — 

The  mail  bag  from  Blighty. 

"Already,  you  will  see,  I  am  breaking  into  verse, 
but  when  I  receive  your  photograph  I  may  even  write 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  109 

a  sonnet.    And  now  I  will  close  my  letter  and  retire 
to  my  dugout  buoyed  up  with  hope  and  confidence. 
"  Yours  very  sincerely, 

"  Hector  Clarke-Stuart." 

The  major  seemed  to  like  the  letter  and  we  agreed 
that  it  ought  to  produce  results.  None  of  us  dared 
to  acknowledge  our  ignorance  in  regard  to  the  famous 
picture  he  had  described.  Our  major  was  a  fashion 
able  person  who  went  to  the  opera  always  and  had 
even  been  known  to  attend  the  Royal  Academy. 

At  this  moment  I  had  an  inspiration  and  con 
fided  it  to  Wharton.  We  both  knew  the  major's  wife 
well.  Among  many  charms  she  possessed  a  sparkling 
sense  of  humour,  both  active  and  passive.  I  corre 
spond  with  her  regularly.  I  wrote  a  long  letter  upon 
this  evening. 

The  next  day  the  major  took  Taunton  and  a 
couple  of  guns  to  a  position  several  miles  away  to 
prepare  for  the  battle  of  Loos,  so  he  was  not  at  the 
battery  when  two  letters  arrived  addressed  to  Lieu 
tenant  Clarke-Stuart,  Wharton  and  I  therefore  re 
tired  to  a  dugout  with  the  two  letters  and  steamed 
them  open.  One  was  from  a  very  respectable  Eng 
lish  miss  who  lived  in  a  south  coast  town.  She 
described  her  daily  life  with  some  detail  and  the 
view  from  her  bedroom  window  "  across  the  bay," 
but  when  she  remarked  that  she  and  her  brothers 
had  always  "  kept  themselves  to  themselves,"  thereby 


110  OVER  HERE 

showing  consideration  for  others  but  a  mean  spirit, 
we  decided  to  kill  her  for  the  time  being.  Whar- 
ton,  very  respectable,  and  a  typical  Englishman,  had 
certain  doubts  but  we  carried  on. 

The  other  letter  was  delightful  and  ran  as  follows : 

"  Dear  Mr.  Clarke-Stuart : 

"  I  was  indeed  glad  to  receive  your  charming  letter 
and  to  know  that  my  little  notice  had  cheered  the 
aching  heart  of  a  lonely  subaltern.  I  am  now  learn 
ing  to  knit  and  soon,  very  soon,  I  shall  send  you 
some  socks  which  will  have  been  knitted  by  a  hand, 
an  inexperienced  hand,  alas,  but  one  that  is  inter 
ested  in  you.  I  have  not  as  yet  made  any  cakes,  but 
indeed  I  will  try,  and  most  certainly  I  will  send  you  a 
photograph  of  myself.  I  am  a  blonde  with  blue  eyes 
but  am  not  very  tall,  in  fact,  I  am  but  five  feet  two 
inches  high.  Are  you  fair  or  dark?  Something 
seems  to  tell  me  that  you  are  very  dark  with  brown 
eyes.  Am  I  right?  I  am  sure  that  you  are  tall 
and  slenderly  though  gracefully  built. 

"  I  should  be  awfully  glad  to  receive  a  photo 
graph  of  you.  Officers'  photographs  lend  tone  to  a 
girl's  rooms  these  days,  even  if  one  does  not  know 
them. 

"  Up  to  the  present  my  life  has  been  an  empty 
one,  consisting  of  teas,  dinners,  theatre  parties,  and 
so  on ;  but  now  with  you  to  look  after  I  am  sure  that 
things  will  change. 


LACRYMATORY  SHELLS  111 

"  I  was  interested  in  your  little  verse.  It  re 
minds  me  very  much  of  the  great  poet  who  con 
tributes  verse  to  the  London  Daily  Fog  each  Satur 
day.  You  perhaps  know  him.  I  shall  look  forward 
with  interest  to  your  sonnet. 

"  Yours  very  sincerely, 

"  Rosalie  De  Silva." 

Rosalie's  letter  was  written  on  pink  paper  and  was 
enclosed  in  a  large  pink  envelope  with  a  large  "  S  " 
on  the  top  right  hand  corner.  We  therefore  sent  her 
letter  on  to  the  major  and  Taunton  by  a  special 
orderly. 

It  would  take  me  a  long  time  to  tell  you  of  the 
correspondence  that  ensued.  Wet  cakes,  dry  cakes, 
pink  socks,  green  socks,  purple  socks,  as  well  as  a 
photograph  arrived  in  quick  succession.  The  photo 
graph  was  mounted  on  a  large  cardboard  and  was 
always  regarded  with  great  interest  by  the  officers 
who  dropped  in  to  see  us.  All  our  friends  knew  about 
the  correspondence,  and  they  had  all  been  taken  into 
the  confidence  of  Wharton  and  myself  except  Taun 
ton  and  the  major. 

One  day  the  photograph  came  unstuck  and  we 
discovered  written  upon  the  back  of  it  the  following 
words:  "This  is  a  true  photograph  of  Miss  Iris 
Hoey." 

"  I  knew  she  was  merely  a  Scivvy,"  remarked 
Taunton,  when  this  happened.  The  maids  are  called 


OVER  HERE 

"  Scivvies  "  at  Taunton's  school.  The  major  thought 
that  she  was  really  a  lady's  maid.  I  remarked  that 
I  thought  Rosalie  must  be  a  very  amusing  and  de 
lightful  lady.  The  major  was  going  home  on  leave 
in  a  few  days. 

He  returned  from  leave  and  my  first  glimpse  of 
him  was  while  I  was  inspecting  my  men  at  the  nine 
o'clock  parade.  I  was  a  little  nervous.  Senior  offi 
cers  become  even  more  rude  than  usual  after  they  re 
turn  from  leave.  He  gave  me  one  look,  and  in  spite 
of  the  stateliness  of  the  occasion  we  both  collapsed, 
much  to  the  surprise  of  my  men  who  had  never  seen 
the  major  really  hilarious  before.  He  might  have 
been  angry  for  he  had  lost  five  guineas  to  Tich,  a 
gunner  captain  who  lived  near  us.  Tich  had  bet  the 
major  that  he  would  take  lunch  with  Rosalie  De 
Silva  during  his  leave.  He  had  had  six  lunches  with 
Rosalie  De  Silva,  for  his  wife  spent  the  whole  six 
days  leave  with  him.  Rosalie  De  Silva  may  have  been 
merely  a  myth,  but  she  supplied  us  all  with  an  un 
limited  amount  of  fun. 


IX 

SHELLS 
BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  August  5,  1917. 

WHEN  a  number  of  gentlemen  form  themselves 
into  an  organization  the  object  of  which  is  the  pro 
duction  of  munitions  of  warfare,  it  is  obvious  that 
their  customers  will  be  nations,  not  mere  individuals. 
A  nation  is  distinctly  immobile.  It  cannot  come  over 
to  a  plant  and  order  its  goods  so  it  chooses  from 
amongst  its  people  representatives  of  more  or  less 
intelligence  who  settle  themselves  upon  the  organiza 
tion  and  form  themselves  into  a  thing  called  a  "  com 
mission,"  whose  object  is  inspection.  As  representa 
tives  of  a  foreign  nation,  they  are  treated  with  much 
courtesy  by  the  elders  of  the  city,  mostly  steel  mag 
nates,  and  have  no  end  of  a  good  time.  They  are 
put  up  at  the  best  clubs  and  if  their  nation  still  re 
tains  the  ornamental  practice  of  having  kings  they 
are  usually  suspected  by  the  dowagers  (local)  of 
being  dukes  and  viscounts  in  disguise.  This  is  en- 
j  oy able  for  all  concerned.  These  gentlemen  naturally 
have  no  need  and  little  desire  to  climb  socially ;  upon 
their  arrival  they  are  placed  on  the  very  top  of  the 
local  social  pinnacle.  I  will  admit  that  they  do  topple 
off  sometimes,  but  generally  they  are  received  in 
8  113 


114  OVER  HERE 

quite  the  best  society.  They  consist  often  of  an  ex 
tremely  interesting  and  delightful  crowd  of  people. 

An  American  seems  to  like  a  title,  not  in  himself 
perhaps,  but  in  others,  and  so  Sergeant  Aristira,  be 
comes  Captain  Aristira,  and,  after  getting  exhausted 
contradicting  the  promotion,  finally  believes  himself 
to  be  a  general  in  embryo. 

In  the  main  office  of  a  big  steel  plant  there  are 
several  dining  rooms  where  the  foreign  commissions 
lunch.  If  the  commission  is  a  large  one  its  members 
generally  dine  alone,  except  for  the  presence  of  cer 
tain  lesser,  though  important,  steel  officials  who  sit 
at  the  same  table  and  exhibit  quite  stately  manners. 
When  I  arrived  first,  I  thought  my  own  countrymen's 
dining  room  interesting  and  savouring  of  an  officer's 
mess  at  its  worst;  so,  accepting  the  invitation  of  a 
steel  company  friend,  I  decided  to  dine  with  him.  It 
was  a  good  move  and  I  have  never  regretted  it. 

In  our  dining  room  we  are  distinctly  mixed. 
Often  there  are  representatives  of  at  least  six  dif 
ferent  lesser  countries.  The  smaller  nations,  es 
pecially  during  these  times  of  stress  when  the  war 
ring  nations  form  the  big  customers,  are  generally 
represented  by  but  one  man  each.  He  has5  however, 
his  attendant  steel  official  so  one  gets  a  kind  of  sand 
wich  made  up  of  many  strata.  For  instance,  Sweden 

is  represented  by  one  man,  and  Eddy  Y looks 

after  him.  Great  Britain's  production  department 


SHELLS  115 

and  France's  inspection  department  are  looked  after 

by  Captain  L .  We  had  Greeks  for  a  time. 

Then  there  are  Chilians,  Russians,  Peruvians,  Argen 
tineans,  Spanish,  Italian,  and  men  of  all  kinds  from 
the  regions  about  the  Amazon  River.  The  whole 
thing  is  interesting  and  one  sighs  for  the  gift  given 
to  the  apostles  when  they  spake  with  tongues. 

In  addition  to  these  foreigners  there  sit  at  our 
table  steel  officials  of  sufficient  importance  to  be  kept 
within  call  of  a  telephone.  The  very  big  men  of  the 
steel  company  dine  alone  except  when  someone  very 
important  calls  upon  them. 

But  let  me  tell  you  about  our  dining  room.  At 
the  beginning  we  had  a  wonderful  girl  to  look  after 
us  called  Sadie.  She  was  priceless  and  worked  auto 
matically.  People  with  more  courage  than  decency 
sometimes  said  thrilling  things  to  her  but  merely  re 
ceived  a  kindly  gentle  smile  in  return,  which  was 
very  effective.  We  were  all  very  fond  of  her,  but 
she  married  and  left  us.  Now  we  have  Mary  to  wait 
on  us.  Mary  has  been  a  waitress  in  the  steel  com 
pany  for  five  years.  She  is,  I  should  think,  about 
twenty-six  years  old.  Why  she  has  never  married  I 
am  unable  to  state.  I  have  seen  many  beautiful 
women  in  my  day  on  the  stage,  on  Fifth  Avenue,  in 
the  park  in  London,  but  never  have  I  seen  anyone 
quite  so  good  looking  as  Mary ;  she  is  a  perfect  type  of 
Madonna-like  beauty.  She  wears  a  simple  blue  frock 


116  OVER  HERE 

and  a  large  white  linen  apron  which  ends  at  her  throat 
in  a  starched  collar.  I  suggested  to  her  that  she 
should  train  as  a  hospital  nurse,  for  she  would  work 
wonders  with  sick  persons  of  both  sexes.  The  idea 
did  not  strike  her  favourably. 

As  the  representatives  of  some  of  the  smaller 
nationalities  sometimes  go  to  New  York  and  other 
diverting  resorts,  there  are  often  but  four  steel  men, 
one  Frenchman,  a  Chilian,  a  Swede  and  myself.  This 
presents  possibilities  and  we  have  a  wonderful  time. 
The  representative  of  Sweden  is  a  ripping  chap.  He 
is  about  six  and  one-half  feet  tall,  and  if  he  has  to 
engage  an  upper  berth  in  a  sleeper  he  has  no  diffi 
culty  in  persuading  the  person  occupying  the  lower 
to  change  places — the  lower  person  obviously  hav 
ing  for  his  or  her  motto  "  safety  first."  From  this 
you  will  gather  that  my  friend  is  a  little  large.  I 
remember  that  when  I  first  met  him  at  the  club,  we 
chatted  about  international  relations,  and  he  re 
marked  that  if  a  man  were  a  gentleman  it  did  not 
matter  a  damn  whether  he  came  from  Paraguay  or 
China.  We  call  him  lovingly  Peter  Pan.  He  is  a 
naval  officer  and  looks  it.  Amongst  the  many  friends 
that  I  have  made  over  here  I  can  place  him  very  near 
the  top  of  the  list.  He  is  just  brimming  over  with 
fun  and  sympathy,  and  will  enter  into  any  joke  that 
happens  to  be  organizing. 

Then  there  is  the  head  steel  inspector.     He  dis- 


SHELLS  117 

likes  English  people,  he  thinks ;  but,  between  you 
and  me,  he  likes  most  people  who  are  decent.  I  fear 
he  will  finally  become  a  misanthropist,  but  I  am  not 
very  sure.  He  is  an  interesting  type  of  American 
and  disbelieves  in  kings  and  dukes  and  can  never 
understand  what  we  mean  by  the  thing  he  calls  a 
"  gentleman."  However,  he  is  "  from  Missouri  "  on 
this  point,  and  of  course  I  cannot  convince  him.  I 
am  not  sure  that  I  want  to. 

Then  there  is  Eddy  Y .  He  refuses  to  grow 

up.  He  is  at  least  fifty  and  looks  forty,  but  is 
brimming  over  with  .energy  and  enthusiasm.  He 
loves  tragedies,  and  fires,  and  thrills  and  ought  to 
have  been  a  novelist  like  the  Baron  Munchausen.  I 
believe  he  is  really  a  foreigner,  a  Bromoseltzian  by 
absorption,  I  have  heard.  He  caused  me  some  trouble 
once,  all  over  Jones'  baby.  Let  me  tell  you  the  story 
as  Eddy  told  it.  He  himself  believed  it. 

"  Did  you  hear  about  poor  Jones  last  night  on 
his  way  to  the  big  dinner?  Very  sad!  He  is  in  an 
awful  state  over  it  all.  One  baby  died  this  morning 
and  the  mother  doesn't  expect  the  other  to  live 
through  the  day.  Joe  told  me  about  it.  Gee!  it  is 
awful  the  way  those  kids  run  across  the  road  in  front 
of  cars.  Jones  tried  to  stop  the  car  but  he  hadn't  a 
chance,  and  he  hit  the  bigger  child  right  on  the  neck 
and  the  child's  head  bounced  off  and  bruised  Jones' 
nose.  Gee!  it's  terrible." 


118  OVER  HERE 

We  were  all  thrilled  and  very  sorry  for  Jones. 
Now  I  know  that  to  sympathize  with  a  man  when  by 
accident  he  has  killed  two  children  is  the  worst  possi 
ble  form.  Still  being  egotists,  most  of  us,  and  re 
garding  ourselves  as  specialists  in  the  issuing  of  the 
sympathy  that  heals,  we  mostly  fall.  I  resisted  the 
temptation  for  a  long  time  until  Mr.  Jones  passed 
through  my  office  looking  very  sad.  I  looked  for  the 
bruise  on  his  nose,  but  it  had  healed.  He  stopped  to 
chat,  and  I  commenced  to  sympathize,  not  mention 
ing  any  details.  He  didn't  seem  very  worried  and  I 
thought  him  hardhearted,  so  I  went  into  more  details 
and  asked  when  the  child  would  be  buried.  Mr. 
Jones'  eyes  grew  wide  and  he  said :  "  What  the  devil 
are  you  talking  about?  "  I  explained,  and  he  roared. 
His  mud-guard  had  tipped  the  knee  of  a  small  boy, 
but  very  slightly,  and  he  expected  to  see  him  run 
ning  about  again  in  about  two  days. 

Eddy  has  been  to  Russia  and  has  had  a  very 
hectic  time  so  we  always  refer  to  him  when  the  sub 
ject  of  Russia  comes  up.  Russia  must  be  some  place ; 
and  the  women,  Ma  foi! 

We  are  all  very  great  friends  and  I  like  every 
one  of  them,  especially  those  who  can  speak  Eng 
lish.  It  is  awkward  when  we  all  talk  at  once,  espe 
cially  if  the  more  foreign  have  friends  lunching  with 
them.  One  day,  two  Greeks  yelled  to  one  another 
across  the  table  in  Greek,  a  couple  of  Russians  seemed 


SHELLS  119 

interested  in  the  revolution,  a  Chilian  spoke  in  a 
huge  voice  in  what  he  regarded  as  English,  the  Swede 
gurgled,  the  Americans  laughed,  and  I  alone  spoke 
English  (sic.).  Having  mentioned  this  last  fact  to 
the  man  from  Missouri,  in  other  words,  the  chief  in 
spector  of  the  steel  company,  he  looked  and  said: 
"  Yesterday  I  thought  that  at  last  you  had  convinced 
me  what  a  '  gentleman  '  really  was,  and  you  have  put 
me  back  at  least  six  points."  A  good  "  come  back !  " 
N'est  ce  pas? 

Then  there  is  Harry  M ,  one  of  the  finest  men 

that  I  have  met.  He  is  very  clever  and  has  one  big 
thing  in  his  life — devotion  to  his  wonderful  country 
which  is  tempered  by  a  decent  appreciation  of  other 
people's.  We  are  great  friends,  but  we  jeer  at  one 
another  a  great  deal,  and  always  end  up  better 
friends  than  when  we  started.  He  has  forgotten  more 
than  most  of  us  know,  but  he  loves  to  be  insulted  if  it 
is  done  in  fun.  Then  he  girds  himself  for  the  combat. 

Once  I  endeavoured  to  get  a  rise  by  saying  that  I 
did  not  believe  there  were  any  Americans  at  all,  ex 
cept  the  red  Indians.  "  Eddy  here  is  a  Bromo- 
seltzian,"  I  remarked.  "  Pat  and  his  son  are  Irish, 
Dnul  is  a  Dane,  Weiss  is  a  Dutchman,  and  you,  Mr. 
M ,  are  an  Englishman ;  there  ain't  no  such  ani 
mal  as  an  American."  The  last  bullet  in  my  rain  of 
shrapnel  told.  He  was  speechless,  and  then,  in  des 
peration,  he  said :  "  And  how,  may  I  ask,  do  you  re- 


120  OVER  HERE 

gard  this  huge  nation,  with  its  history  and  Patrick 
Henry  and  George  Washington,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing?  "  "  Oh,  as  just  an  interesting  conglomeration 
of  comic  persons,"  I  replied.  Then  we  all  laughed 
and  dispersed  to  our  respective  offices.  I  have  learnt 
that  if  you  are  once  a  friend  of  an  American  you  can 
jest  and  laugh  with  him  as  much  as  you  like.  Having 
become  his  friend,  you  have  no  desire  in  the  world  to 
say  anything  that  will  hurt  him. 

I  have  long  and  interesting  chats  with  Mr.  M . 

He  told  me  once  that  during  the  early  days  of  the 
war,  at  the  end  of  August,  1914,  when  Americans 
knew  the  full  extent  of  the  disaster  to  the  French 
army  and  of  our  own  retreat  from  Mons,  several  im 
portant  members  of  the  steel  company,  mostly  of 
English  descent  with  a  little  German  blood  mixed  with 
it,  had  a  meeting  in  our  lunch  room.  They  were  very 
worried  about  us  all  over  in  England  and  France. 
They  were  also  worried  about  their  own  sons  because 
they  knew  that  America  would  not  stand  by  and  see 
England  and  France  crushed.  All  these  men  them 
selves,  if  possible,  would  have  at  once  gone  over  to 
help;  and  they  discussed  plans.  They  also  knew, 
and  I  know  now,  and  have  known  all  along,  that  if 
England  had  ever  reached  the  stage  when  she  needed 
American  help  it  would  have  been  possible  to  raise  an 
army  of  several  millions  of  Americans  to  fight  for 
England.  Yes,  to  fight  for  England! 


SHELLS 

I  would  not  dare  to  say  this  to  some  of  my  Ameri 
can  friends  because  they  would  know,  as  I  knew,  that 
underlying  their  criticism  of  England  there  is  often 
a  very  deep  devotion  to  the  British  Empire.  The 
Germans  have  known  this  all  along,  and  we  can  thank 
fortune  that  it  still  exists  in  spite  of  our  failure  to 
foster  it.  We  established  an  entente  cordiale  with 
France  our  hereditary  foe,  thank  goodness,  and  we 
succeeded  because  many  of  us  are  bad  at  French  and 
consequently  unable  to  insult  the  French  people.  We 
have  never  seriously  attempted  the  same  thing  with 
America.  It  is  the  underlying  devotion  of  many 
Americans  for  the  home  country,  as  some  of  them  still 
call  our  land,  which  has  prevented  the  rudeness  of 
some  of  our  people  from  doing  permanent  harm. 
The  Germans  have  tried  to  remove  this  devotion,  but 
they  have  not  succeeded  amongst  the  educated  classes, 
because,  like  us,  intelligent  American  people  don't 
quite  like  the  Boche  until  he  has  settled  in  the  country 
for  over  a  hundred  years. 

But  they  have  succeeded  with  the  poorer  classes, 
who  sometimes  dislike  us  intensely.  The  average 
American  working  man  regards  his  brother  in  Eng 
land  as  a  poor  fool  who  is  ground  down  by  the  fellow 
who  wears  a  high  hat.  He  also  regards  John  Bull  as 
a  wicked,  land-grabbing  old  fellow — America's  only 
enemy. 

I  share  an  office  at  the  moment  with  a  couple  of 


OVER  HERE 

American  boys,  both  married.  At  first  I  shared 
Dnul's  office  with  him,  but  as  it  is  necessary  for  him 
to  keep  up  diplomatic  relations  with  all  inspectors  I 
felt  that  I  would  be  in  his  way,  so  I  retired,  against 
his  will,  to  the  office  next  to  him.  It  is  better  so. 

The  boys  with  me  are  interesting.  One  was  a 
National  Guard  captain  and  looks  the  part.  He  was 
a  Canadian  once,  so  cannot  be  president  of  the 
United  States.  It  is  a  great  pity.  The  other  is 
very  clever  at  drawings  and  although  only  twenty- 
seven  has  made  the  world  cheerier  by  being  the  father 
of  eight  children.  I  have  arranged  to  inspect  them 
some  day  and  he  is  getting  them  drilled.  He  wit 
nessed  my  signature  to  the  publisher's  contract  for 
my  first  book  on  the  day  of  his  last  baby's  birth. 
Books  and  babies  have  always  been  mixed  in  my 
mind  since  I  first  heard  the  story  of  St.  Columba's 
quarrel  over  the  manuscript  belonging  to  some  other 
saint  which  he  had  copied.  You  remember  the  story. 
The  archbishop  or  some  very  superior  person  looked 
into  the  matter,  and  said :  "  To  every  cow  belongs  its 
own  calf."  I  believe  that  I  am  quoting  correctly.  I 
hoped  that  this  friend's  signature  would  be  a  good 
omen. 

The  other  fellow,  he  of  the  National  Guard,  has 
but  one  baby.  I  manage  to  get  along  very  well  with 
them  both. 

There  are  an  awful  lot  of  stenographers  about ;  a 


SHELLS  123 

galaxy  of  beauty.  I  hear  that  they  are  very  well 
paid,  and  judging  by  their  very  smart  appearance 
they  must  be.  I  think  that  they  are  even  better  look 
ing  and  more  smartly  turned  out  than  the  young 
ladies  employed  in  the  machine  tool  department  at  the 
Ministry  in  London. 

I  met  old  Sir  Francis  N one  day  going  up 

the  stairs  at  the  Hotel  Metropole  in  London  after  it 
became  Armament  Hall,  and  he  said  that  really  one 
did  not  know  these  days  whether  to  raise  one's  hat  or 
to  wink  when  one  met  a  young  lady  on  the  stairs.  I 
always  maintain  a  sympathetic  neutrality.  It  is 
better  thus. 

I  found,  at  first,  letter  writing  a  little  difficult. 
One  dictates  everything  and  one  must  never  forget  to 
file  one's  letters.  In  business  it  is  considered  an  awful 
thing  to  insult  a  person  in  a  letter.  Insult  him  to  his 
face,  by  all  means,  if  necessary ;  but  never  write  rude 
things.  I  found  it  difficult  to  distrust  firmly  the 
intelligence  of  the  person  receiving  the  letter.  Every 
thing  must  be  perfectly  plain  and  you  have  to  imagine 
that  the  person  receiving  the  letter  knows  nothing 
about  the  subject.  If  writing  a  business  letter  to  a 
friend  I  invariably  became  too  personal.  Cold 
blooded  though  polite  things  are  business  letters. 
They  are  immortal,  too,  and  live  in  files  for  centuries 
and  are  liable  to  strike  back  at  any  moment  like  a 
boomerang.  If  you  are  insulting  a  third  person  it  is 


124  OVER  HERE 

always  good  to  put  before  your  more  cutting  state 
ments,  "  In  my  opinion,  I  think."  This  will  save  you 
much  trouble  because  it  is  taken  that  you  are  humble, 
and  that  your  opinion  is  not  worth  very  much.  Never 
theless  it  will  cause  the  person  to  whom  you  are  writ 
ing  to  look  into  the  matter,  whereas  if  you  say 
straight  out,  and  crudely,  that  Jones  is  an  entirely 
useless  person  or  that  Biggs  is  inefficient  (it  is  better 
to  say  inadequate,  since  it  means  the  same),  the  per 
son  receiving  the  letter  will  at  once  mutter,  "  News 
paper  talk,"  and  will  forget  the  matter,  although  he 
may  look  into  your  own  actions  with  a  coldly  dis 
cerning  eye. 

It  seems  to  be  different  in  the  army  where  people 
write  most  unpleasant,  suggestive  things  to  one  an 
other.  I  don't  think  that  they  keep  files  so  well  in 
the  army.  However,  I  am  learning  fast  and  am  very 
careful. 

There  are  many  wonderful  contrivances  over  here 
for  the  saving  of  labour.  They  do  not  always  save 
time,  it  is  true,  but  many  of  them  are  useful,  never 
theless.  It  is  sometimes  an  interesting  thing  to  see 
a  fellow  waiting  several  minutes  for  an  elevator  to 
take  him  down  one  flight  of  stairs.  People  seldom 
walk  anywhere,  as  far  as  I  can  see ;  but  this  fact  does 
not  seem  to  affect  the  national  physique  which  is 
usually  splendid. 

Quite  large  numbers  of  men  wear  spectacles,  not 


SHELLS  125 

your  intellectual-looking  gold-rimmed  pince-nez,  but 
great  horn-rimmed  goggles  that  certainly  give  a  man 
a  whimsical  look.  It  all  depends  upon  the  appear 
ance  of  the  fellow.  If  he  is  thin  and  wiry  these  great 
goggles  make  him  look  like  a  polite  tadpole.  The 
theatrical  folk  realize  this  and  in  every  comic  show 
one  of  the  comedians  generally  appears  in  these 
spectacles. 

Desiring  to  use  a  swimming  pool  open  only  to  the 
students  of  Lehigh  University,  I  decided  to  take  a 
course  of  lectures  on  metallurgy.  I  shuddered  when 
I  heard  that  these  lectures  took  place  from  eight  until 
nine  A.M.  How  would  one  fit  in  breakfast?  How 
ever,  I  arrived  one  Monday  morning  and  found  my 
self  with  twenty  other  fellows  sitting  at  the  feet  of  a 
large  St.  Bernard  dog,  and  a  very  learned  professor. 
I  looked  with  interest  at  the  men  around  me.  They 
all  seemed  pale  and  haggard  and  "  By  Jove,  these 
American  students  must  work  hard ! "  I  thought. 
However,  after  several  weeks  I  felt  very  much  the 
same  on  Monday  mornings,  because  many  of  the  fel 
lows  became  my  friends  and  we  spent  our  week  ends 
together  in  fervent  study  at  more  than  one  extremely 
diverting  country  club.  Perhaps,  however,  this  is 
unfair. 

The  American  university  man  is  alleged  to  be  a 
hard  worker.  He  certainly  has  some  very  stiff  ex 
aminations  to  pass.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  the  man 


126  OVER  HERE 

who  desires  to  get  on  well  in  the  business  or  intellec 
tual  world  has  to  work  jolly  hard  at  the  university 
over  here.  It  is  possible  for  a  man,  I  have  heard,  to 
work  his  way  through  college  without  receiving  a 
penny  from  his  father.  A  fellow  may  even  earn 
money  by  collecting  laundry  from  his  fellow  students. 
The  glorious  part  about  this  lies  in  the  fact  that  his 
men  friends  do  not  supply  him  with  kindly  pity,  but 
they  sincerely  admire  him.  If  he  is  a  good  sort,  that's 
all  that  matters. 

As  far  as  I  can  glean,  the  average  American  var 
sity  man  is  a  great  hero  worshiper.  One  is  con 
stantly  meeting  fellows  who  are  regarded  by  their 
friends  as  regular  "  princes,"  and  the  thing  that 
draws  the  greatest  amount  of  admiration  is  well  de 
veloped  personality  which  in  America  is  generally 
allied  to  kindliness.  These  "  princes  "  are  always 
humble,  and  invariably  the  same  in  their  treatment  of 
both  ordinary  people,  and,  what  we  called  at  Cam 
bridge  "  rabbits "  or  undergraduates  of  the  dor 
mouse  breed. 

Sometimes  people  over  here  have  pointed  out  to 
me  that  it  is  impossible  for  an  undergraduate  to  work 
his  way  through  our  older  universities.  I  have,  of 
course,  told  them  that  while  it  would  be  very  awkward 
to  have  a  fellow  undergraduate  calling  for  one's  soiled 
linen  in  England,  still  we  had  a  way  whereby  a  man 
could  work  his  way  through  any  university  and  espe- 


SHELLS  127 

cially  the  older  ones.  I  told  them  that  at  my  college 
there  were  always  at  least  twenty  men  who  received 
no  money  from  home,  but  by  comparatively  hard  work 
they  were  able  to  win  scholarships  and  exhibitions. 
So  that  really  things  are  much  the  same,  the  only 
difference  lying  in  the  fact  that  as  our  colleges  are 
much  older,  people  have  had  time  to  die  in  greater 
numbers  and  consequently  there  have  been  more 
bequests.  I  cannot  say  that  I  have  had  much  oppor 
tunity  to  study  the  person  called  here  a  "  lounge 
lizard."  Like  his  brother  in  England,  he  at  once 
joined  up  and  is  now  learning  to  be  a  soldier. 

I  must  admit  that  the  American  university  man  is 
very  like  his  brother  in  England,  just  as  irresponsi 
ble,  just  as  charming  and  often  possessed  with  the 
same  firm  determination  to  do  as  little  work  as  pos 
sible  under  the  circumstances.  The  only  difference 
lies  in  the  fact  that  after  leaving  college  he  is  sucked 
into  a  whirlpool  of  exciting  business  and  sometimes 
he  finds  himself  floating  down  a  strong  flowing  river 
of  wealth  wondering  if  it  has  really  been  worth  while. 

"  You  know  how  to  live  in  England,"  they  often 
say  to  me.  "  We  don't.  We  work  too  hard,  and  we 
play  too  hard,  and  we  haven't  the  remotest  idea  how 
to  rest."  Perhaps  they  are  right,  but  it  seems  to  me 
that  a  little  American  vim  introduced  to  an  English 
graduate  would  be  an  excellent  thing ;  for  after  he  has 
left  college  and  is  making  an  ass  of  himself  in  the  city 


128  OVER  HERE 

he  has  to  learn  that  while  a  Cambridge  or  an  Oxford 
hall  mark  is  an  excellent  thing  in  the  vicarage  draw 
ing  room,  it  causes  its  possesser  some  sad  moments  in 
the  business  world  of  London  or  of  anywhere  else. 

Perhaps  this  is  a  bit  rough  on  the  graduate  from 
Oxford  and  Cambridge ;  but  I  think  most  of  them  will 
admit  that  there  is  a  certain  amount  of  truth  in  what  I 
say.  Of  course,  in  my  experience  throughout  the  Em 
pire  I  have  found  the  varsity  man  a  magnificent  type 
of  Britisher,  but  it  is  obvious  that  he  has  got  to  learn 
a  few  lessons,  and  lessons  are  sometimes  hard  things 
to  learn. 


SUBMARINES 
BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  August  30, 1917. 

THE   other   day   Dicky   C and   I   went  to 

Atlantic  City  for  the  week  end.  So  many  of  my  Beth 
lehem  friends  go  to  this  place  every  year,  that  I 
felt  my  American  experience  would  not  be  complete 
without  a  visit.  We  left  this  town  at  about  three 
o'clock ;  we  ought  to  have  left  sooner.  The  chauffeur 
developed  caution  to  an  almost  unlimited  extent  and 
this  worried  Dicky,  a  furious  driver  himself.  He  told 
me  with  some  pride  the  number  of  times  he  had  been 
arrested  on  the  White  Horse  Pike.  The  caution  of 
the  chauffeur  was  responsible  for  our  arrival  at  our 
destination  at  about  ten  o'clock  at  night. 

Being  Saturday  night,  of  course,  it  was  impossi 
ble  for  a  time  to  get  either  rooms  or  food.  At  the 
hotel  where  Dicky  usually  stopped  we  were  turned 
down.  His  Majesty,  the  clerk,  disliked  the  shape  of 
our  noses  or  our  clothing  or  something.  We  spent 
one  dollar  fifty  in  telephone  calls  trying  to  get  some 
hotel  to  take  us  in. 

We  started  with  the  good  ones,  but  even  the  fifth 
class  houses  were  full.  I  therefore  approached  the 
clerk  and  explained  that  I  was  a  British  officer  with 
nowhere  except  the  sands  upon  which  to  sleep.  This 
worked  like  magic. 

9  129 


130  OVER  HERE 

We  were  shown  into  what  was  called  a  club  room 
near  the  top  of  the  building,  where  twelve  beds  were 
arranged  hospital  fashion.  Our  fellow  guests  were 
not  there  then,  so  we  decided  to  sleep  on  the  balcony 
in  case  any  of  them  snored.  The  building  is  a  beauti 
ful  one,  having  wonderful  sort  of  battlements,  and  we 
fixed  our  beds  out  on  one  of  these. 

Then  we  sought  food.  We  tried  one  fashionable 
place,  but  the  head  waiter  was  not  impressed.  He 
certainly  looked  at  our  noses  and  at  our  clothes. 
About  these  clothes — I  had  on  a  very  good  sort  of 
golf  kit.  I  almost  know  the  sheep  on  the  Island  of 
Harris  off  of  which  the  wool  forming  the  material 
came.  My  stockings  were  thick  and  home  made  in  the 
Highlands,  and  my  brogues  were  made  by  Mr.  Max 
well  in  Dover  Street.  Dicky  was  turned  out  simi 
larly  and  being  a  big  handsome  sort  of  chap  looked 
fine.  Perhaps  if  we  had  given  that  waiter  ten  dollars 
as  his  usual  patrons  do,  we  would  have  been  ushered 
in  with  much  bowing,  but  we  preferred  to  starve 
rather  than  to  give  him  a  cent. 

We  sought  restaurant  after  restaurant,  but  could 
get  nothing,  not  even  a  poached  egg.  Dicky  was  get 
ting  crabby.  After  an  hour  we  at  last  got  into  a  hot 
cheery  sort  of  cabaret  and  drank  small  beer  and  ate 
all  sorts  of  grills,  also  clams.  After  this  Dicky  be 
came  brighter,  and  I  also  felt  more  kindly,  so  we 
hired  a  comfy  chair  on  wheels  and  spent  an  hour  on 


SUBMARINES  131 

the  Board  Walk,  while  the  chairman  told  us  with 
much  enjoyment  of  all  the  sin  and  wickedness  exist 
ing  in  Atlantic  City.  His  stories,  very  lurid,  were 
mixed  up  with  automatic  "  pianners  "  into  which  one 
put  a  nickel. 

Upon  returning  we  found  most  of  our  fellow  guests 
of  the  club  room  in  bed,  so  we  stole  out  on  to  the  bat 
tlement  and  soon  were  sound  asleep. 

I  awoke  in  the  morning  to  find  a  terrific  sun  shin 
ing  on  my  head  threatening  to  melt  my  brain.  I 
looked  up  towards  the  hotel  and  noted  that  we  were 
sleeping  on  a  balcony  above  which  were  roughly  about 
eight  stories.  Immediately  above  us  stretched  a  line 
of  windows  marking  a  staircase,  and  out  of  each  win 
dow  looked  a  head.  It  was  really  a  study  in  black 
and  white.  There  were  black  maids,  and  white  maids, 
and  they  were  all  interested  in  Dicky  as  he  lay  there 
with  the  sun  turning  his  light  coloured  hair  into  gold. 
I  awoke  him,  and  we  both  got  inside  and  dressed. 

After  breakfast,  arid  as  it  was  a  table  d'hote  we 
were  not  at  all  sparing  in  our  choice  of  food,  we  sat 
for  a  time  on  a  charming  balcony  overlooking  the 
Board  Walk.  It  was  interesting  to  watch  the  people. 
I  made  a  tremendous  discovery,  which  was  perhaps  a 
little  disappointing.  I  had  always  hoped  that  the 
British  Empire  contained  the  lost  tribes  of  Israel.  It 
does  not.  The  United  States  of  America  has  that 
honour. 


132  "OVER  HERE 

We  then  sought  a  dressing  room,  and  after  re 
moving  our  clothes  and  donning  "  fashionable  bath 
ing  things  "  we  sought  the  sand.  It  was  all  very 
thrilling  and  I  was  further  confirmed  in  my  discovery. 
There  was  a  continuous  procession  of  persons  clad  in 
bathing  things,  thousands  of  them.  Few  went  into 
the  water.  There  was  much  that  was  really  beauti 
ful.  There  were  men  burnt  a  rich  shade  of  copper, 
beautifully  built,  with  clean  cut,  good  looking  faces, 
walking  along  enjoying  their  youth.  There  were  some 
priceless  looking  girls  well  decorated.  I  dislike 
women's  bathing  suits.  They  are  theoretically  meant 
for  bathing  in,  but  why  on  earth  should  they  wear 
those  extraordinary  hideous  garments:  They  look 
awful  when  they  return  from  the  water.  Their  stock 
ings  are  all  dragged  round  their  legs  and  if  they  are 
shoeless  the  toe  part  of  the  stockings  seems  to  escape 
and  hangs  over.  However,  most  of  the  ladies  had  no 
intention  of  swimming.  Their  faces  were  often  pow 
dered  and  painted  and  their  hair  arranged  in  a  most 
engaging  way.  Still  many  were  delightful  to  look 
upon,  notwithstanding  their  attire.  I  believe  there 
are  very  strict  rules  about  women's  costumes  at 
Atlantic  City.  My  landlady  assures  me  that  she  has 
seen  the  policemen  measuring  the  length  of  a  girl's 
swimming  skirt ! 

I  saw  some  magnificent  looking  fellows  walking 
along.  American  men's  dress  often  seems  designed  to 


SUBMARINES  133 

spoil  a  fellow's  appearance.  His  breeches  are  some 
times  a  little  tight  and  the  sleeves  of  his  coat  are 
short,  displaying  a  good  looking  silk  shirt ;  and  some 
times  as  the  breeches  are  low  at  the  waist,  the  shirt 
sticks  out  in  an  untidy  bulge.  When  he  places  on  his 
good  looking  head  the  felt  hat  in  vogue  the  destruc 
tion  of  his  personal  appearance  is  quite  complete. 
But  on  the  beach  at  Atlantic  City  all  this  is  changed, 
and  one  realizes  that  the  standard  of  manly  physical 
beauty  in  this  country  is  a  very  high  one. 

The  bathing  suit  here  in  America  is  exactly  like 
the  kit  we  wear  for  Rugby  football.  Perhaps  it  would 
be  better  for  swimming  if  it  were  lighter,  and  in  one 
piece,  but  as  much  time  is  spent  promenading,  it  is 
obviously  better  that  it  should  be  as  it  is. 

Of  course,  quite  a  number  were  not  beautiful  to 
look  upon.  There  were  thousands  of  men  arid 
women  who  had  reached  the  unlovely  stage  of  their 
existence.  Large  portly  men  walked  about  un 
ashamed  and  women  with  large  stout  legs  encased 
sometimes  in  green  stockings  could  be  seen.  As  one 
walked  along  the  beach  the  society  seemed  to  change. 
Towards  the  poorer  part  of  the  town  the  people  were 
a  little  older  and  less  interesting.  We  came  to  one 
section  where  most  of  the  bathers  and  promenaders 
were  coloured  people.  I  must  say  at  once  that  the 
effect  was  singularly  diverting.  The  young  coloured 
ladies  and  gentlemen  were  smartly  turned  out.  These 


134  OVER  HERE 

American  negroes  look  like  awfully  nice  people.  One 
would  see  a  young  coloured  lady  with  an  expensive 
and  sometimes  a  beautiful  swimming  suit  walking  be 
side  a  fine  handsome  coloured  boy.  They  seemed  so 
happy.  I  was  thrilled  with  the  little  ones  as  they 
dashed  about  with  their  strong  little  limbs.  Unfor 
tunately  we  had  little  time  for  observation  because 
Dicky  had  seen  a  huge  fat  man  at  another  part  of 
the  beach  in  a  bathing  costume,  the  sort  of  fellow 
that  one  sees  at  a  country  fair,  and  he  insisted  upon 
returning  to  have  another  look.  This  fat  man  sat 
there  with  his  huge  fearful  limbs  partially  exposed 
while  a  crowd  stood  and  looked  at  him.  He  seemed 
to  like  it,  too.  Human  egotism  is  truly  wonderful. 
The  whole  morning  was  enjoyable.  I  loved  the  open 
air,  the  sea  breezes  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 

I  had  heard  a  lot  about  the  Board  Walk.  As  a 
thing  of  use  it  is  delightful.  One  can  walk  for  miles 
along  its  length,  seeing  a  strange  procession  of  human 
beings,  but  its  new  look,  the  fact  that  it  is  made  of 
wood,  tends  to  give  Atlantic  City  an  uncertain  and 
unstable  foundation.  It  spoiled  the  effect  of  our  hotel 
with  its  magnificent  architecture.  Still  it  provides 
a  very  restful  way  to  walk,  and  I  suppose  it  has  its 
uses.  I  am  a  little  astonished  that  Americans  should 
come  to  'this  strange  place  and  turn  themselves  into 
money  fountains  and,  upon  running  dry,  return  to 
business ;  though  of  course  it  is  fine  to  be  with  a  crowd 
of  cheerful  people. 


SUBMARINES  135 

I  have  never  visited  any  of  our  seaside  resorts  dur 
ing  the  summer  season,  so  I  cannot  well  compare 
Atlantic  City  with  any  of  them.  I  don't  think  that  a 
similar  place  would  be  popular  in  England.  Of 
course,  we  were  there  at  a  rather  difficult  time.  I 
have  been  told  that  prices  go  up  about  'twenty-five 
per  cent,  or  even  more  during  August. 

Atlantic  City  seems  to  be  a  long  thin  town  stretch 
ing  for  several  miles  along  the  Atlantic  coast.  The 
hotels  are  truly  beautiful.  Apart  from  their  archi 
tecture  they  are  beautifully  decorated  inside.  Our 
hotel  has  a  place  called  the  Submarine  Grill.  The 
idea  the  artist  wishes  to  convey  is  that  the  diners  are 
spending  a  hectic  time  at  the  bottom  of  the  sea.  The 
general  effect  is  rather  lovely  and  the  colouring  sug 
gests  the  inside  of  a  very  rich  Mohammedan  mosque, 
in  spite  of  the  sea  idea.  Perhaps  the  mermaids  of 
Atlantic  City  make  up  for  this ;  and  there  are  many. 
However,  we  all  go  down,  pay  the  head  waiter  a  large 
sum  for  three  bows  and  a  continuous  smile  and  are 
ushered  to  the  best  seats,  under  the  circumstances. 
The  food  is  beautifully  cooked,  but  the  bill  grows  very 
large,  and  one  leaves  quite  happy  but  poorer. 

Dicky  and  I  had  had  about  fifty  dollars  between 
us,  but  the  price  for  our  sleeping  places  had  been 
small,  and  it  looked  as  though  we  would  return  with 
about  two  dollars  between  us,  until  we  met  the  chauf 
feur,  and  asked  him  for  his  expense  account.  Having 


136  OVER  HERE 

paid  it — it  was  one  dollar  more  than  my  bill  at  the 
hotel,  we  possessed  about  three  shillings,  or  seventy- 
five  cents.  This  obviously  left  us  but  little  money 
for  food  at  Philadelphia  upon  our  return,  but  we 
went  into  a  mysterious  automat  eating  house  and 
managed  to  subtract  a  little  nourishment  from  its 
shelves.  We  returned  to  Bethlehem  owing  the  chauf 
feur  about  three  dollars.  I  must  say  that  I  enjoyed 
the  whole  thing,  but  I  have  no  intention  and  no  desire 
to  return. 

It  was  the  touch  of  nature  that  made  the  day  en 
joyable  for  me — the  people,  black  and  white,  and  the 
sea.  But  I  objected  to  the  hardly- veiled  begging  dis 
played  by  the  numerous  lackeys.  I  suppose  they 
have  got  to  live,  "  mais  je  n'en  vois  pas  la  necessite," 
as  some  philosopher  remarked. 

When  passing  through  the  hotel  on  the  Saturday 
evening  I  saw  a  lady  quietly  but  beautifully  dressed. 
She  looked  about  twenty.  I  was  certain  that  I  knew 
her  well,  had  met  her  in  Washington  or  somewhere. 
I  went  over  and  said :  "  How  d'ye  do."  We  chatted 
for  a  time,  but  in  spite  of  all  my  efforts  I  could  not 
place  her.  Having  rejoined  Dicky,  I  remembered. 
She  was  the  prim  demure  little  lady  from  whom  I  have 
bought  my  "  movie  "  tickets  for  the  last  six  months. 
American  girls  are  truly  wonderful.  We  arrived  at 
Bethlehem  at  about  midnight. 


XI 

AN  OFFENSIVE  BOMBARDMENT 

THERE  is  one  phrase  over  here  that  one  is  con 
stantly  hearing — "  Rule  for  the  people  by  the 
people."  Of  course,  Abraham  Lincoln,  our  great 
American,  now  beloved  by  all,  used  it  on  the  occa 
sion  of  his  famous  speech  at  Gettysburg.  As  far  as 
I  can  see,  Lincoln  gave  that  thing  called  democracy  a 
great  big  lift.  He  evidently  fought  a  big  spiritual 
battle  for  the  United  States,  and  won. 

Of  course,  I  did  not  come  to  the  United  States 
to  learn  about  Abraham  Lincoln.  In  my  child 
hood's  memory,  he,  George  Washington,  King 
Arthur,  King  Alfred,  and  the  great  figure  called 
Gladstone  are  all  safely  enshrined.  These  were  all 
mixed  with  Moses  and  the  prophets,  but  Lincoln's 
log  cabin  seemed  a  reality.  Away  out  in  New  Zealand 
I  learnt  about  Abraham  Lincoln  from  an  old,  old  sol 
dier  who  had  fought  the  Maoris,  and  had  seen  the 
first  two  sparrows  arrive  in  a  cage  from  England.  I 
wish  they  hadn't. 

Since  my  arrival  in  America  I  have  heard  a  great 
deal  about  Lincoln.  He  and  his  words  are  held  up  as 
a  shield  against  all  potential  enemies  outside  the 
United  States.  Always  are  the  words  "  Rule  for  the 

137 


138  OVER  HERE 

people  by  the  people  "  hurled  from  the  lips  of  that 
type  of  orator  who  'talks  about  "  red  blooded  Ameri 
cans,"  and  who  contrasts  the  red  blooded  with  him  of 
yellow  blood.  But  only  are  these  wonderful  words 
hurled  against  enemies  without.  No  one  ever  applies 
them  to  the  more  deadly  type  that  lurks  within  the 
national  household.  And  so  Lincoln's  great  words 
sometimes  seem  to  be  wasted  upon  all  our  cousins  who 
are  not  newspaper  editors. 

Let  me  explain:  The  American  people  don't  rule 
the  country  as  far  as  I  £an  see.  Things  go  along 
smoothly  and  the  mob  spirit  is;  kept  at  bay  because, 
owing  to  the  greatness  of  the  country,  its  happy  cli 
mate,  its  wonderful  natural  resources,  the  opportuni 
ties  for  expansion  supplied  to  all  the  people,  no  one 
gets  sufficiently  worked  up  to  accomplish  any  foolish 
ness.  The  country  seems  to  be  ruled  by  a  certain  set 
of  men  who  make  politics  their  business. 

I  have  never  yet  met  a  young  man  under  twenty- 
five  who  was  in  the  faintest  degree  interested  in  the 
rule  of  his  country.  He  has  so  many  other  things  to 
think  about.  Although  I  don't  think  he  works  harder, 
really,  than  his  cousin  in  England,  his  hours  spent  at 
business  are  very  long  and  there  don't  seem  to  be  more 
than  about  two  holidays  in  the  year.  His  life  is  tense. 
He  starts  school  with  games  that  bring  out  all  his  en 
thusiasm.  He  dislikes  cricket.  Baseball  suits  his  tem 
perament.  Even  football  has  developed  into  a  form  of 


AN  OFFENSIVE  BOMBARDMENT   139 

trench  warfare,  sometimes  not  without  frightf illness. 
Then  he  enters  business  with  one  object — to  get  on,  to 
push  ahead.  So  his  life  is  spent  thinking  out  business 
schemes.  In  the  evenings  he  is  called  upon  by  all 
kinds  of  seedy  looking  gentlemen  who  put  up  to  him 
schemes  of  insurance  and  what  not.  He  must  have  a 
car  of  some  sort,  though  a  Henry  Ford  suits  him  well. 
He  never  seems  able  to  rest,  at  work  or  at  play,  and 
so  he  carries  on,  brimming  over  with  enthusiasm.  One 
is  always  seeing  it. 

Here  in  Bethlehem  we  wanted  money  for  a  bridge. 
It  was  essential  that1  the  people  should  subscribe,  so  a 
week  was  spent  in  what  amounted  to  a  "  drive." 
There  were  processions,  alarums,  and  excursions.  Men 
rushed  about  in  dirty  looking  automobiles  and  made 
quite  willing  people  subscribe.  Luncheons  were  held 
each  day.  The  collectors  were  divided  into  small  com 
panies,  each  with  a  captain  and  a  separate  table. 
The  tables  vied  with  one  another  in  their  efforts  to 
collect  the  most  money.  It  was  a  wonderful  scheme 
and  it  worked  well.  I  rather  loved  it.  One  heard 
young  men,  old  men,  fat  men,  thin  men  all  worked  up 
bursting  into  song.  Even  the  church  helped.  Of 
course,  we  got  the  money  all  right.  If  a  man  wants 
to  accomplish  anything  he  must  arouse  enthusiasm. 

So  the  life  of  a  decent  American  boy  is  often  one 
long  exciting  tense  existence.  Now  I  think  in  some 
ways  that  this  is  admirable,  but  this  enthusiastic  ex- 


140  OVER  HERE 

istence  has  formed  a  national  trait.  A  man  must  get 
there.  He  doesn't  always,  but  he  must  think  he  is 
getting  there.  He  does  not  care  if  the  day  coach  he 
is  riding  in  on  a  'train  is  ugly  and  often  dirty ;  it  is 
nothing  to  him  if  the  locomotive  is  not  spotlessly  clean 
as  long  as  it  draws  him  along.  He  is  not  concerned 
for  more  than  five  minutes  if  the  railroad  company 
dashes  locomotives  through  his  city  killing  a  few 
people  en  route  because  they  have  not  time  or  inclina 
tion  to  raise  their  road  or  sink  it  in  order  to  avoid 
deadly  level  crossings.  It  has  not  occurred  to  him  to 
realize  that  a  dirty  locomotive  uncleaned  by  careful 
hands  will  not  get  him  there  really.  Seldom  is  an 
American  train  on  time.  Some  are,  of  course,  but  I 
have  often  waited  from  an  hour  to  several  hours  for  a 
train. 

So  the  men  who  make  politics  their  business  take 
advantage  of  this — not  wickedly,  I  think,  but  never 
theless  they  appeal  to  this  national  enthusiasm,  and 
they  get  away  with  it.  No  man  is  perfect,  and  poli 
ticians  always  seem  to  me  the  least  perfect  of  men. 
The  results  are  obvious.  The  political  machine  works 
in  jumps  and  often  breaks  down  at  a  critical  moment. 
It  is  not  the  machine's  fault  really.  It  is  the  fault  of 
the  people  who  refuse  to  supervise  its  work.  The 
people  have  responded  to  the  political  enthusiasm 
around  election  time  and  then  they  are  finished.  Of 
course,  I  think  it  is  all  wrong. 


AN  OFFENSIVE  BOMBARDMENT    141 

One  looks  for  the  guiding  hand  of  the  people  and 
one  cannot  find  it.  It  ought  to  be  displayed  in  the 
press,  but  of  all  powerless  institutions  the  American 
press  is  the  most  powerless.  It  can  rage  against  a 
politician  until  it  is  hoarse,  but  it  accomplishes  little. 
And  yet  the  American  press  is  truly  very  fine.  I  read 
every  word  of  the  New  York  Times,  the  New  York 
Sun,  and  the  Public  Ledger  every  day  and  they  are 
entirely  admirable.  I  meet  the  editors,  sometimes, 
of  leading  papers  and  they  are  delightful  people. 
They  combine  often  the  delightful  American  boyish 
ness  with  the  sober  mien  of  men  of  learning.  Still 
they  know  the  national  characteristic  of  enthusiasm, 
and  if  they  are  to  sell  their  papers  they  must  appeal 
to  it;  so  even  the  papers  I  have  mentioned  often 
display  flamboyant  headings  about  nothing  in 
particular. 

At  election  time,  of  course,  the  papers  have  a  wide 
influence,  but  during  the  time  when  the  laws  of  the 
country  are  being  made  they  always  seem  to  me  to  be 
entirely  ineffective.  They  ought  to  be  the  leaders  of 
the  people.  A  cabinet  with  the  disapproval  of  the 
press  ought  not  to  last  a  week.  They  try,  of  course, 
valiantly,  but  if  they  display  disapproval,  backed  up 
with  proofs,  no  one  believes  them.  It  is  merely  de 
scribed  as  "  newspaper  talk." 

And  then  the  police!  You  know  as  well  as  I  do 
that  if  a  mere  suspicion  is  breathed  against  an  English 


OVER  HERE 

policeman  by  a  good  newspaper,  the  thing  is  thor 
oughly  investigated  and  if  the  charge  is  well  founded 
the  policeman  disappears.  The  police  in  England 
are  our  friends  and  we  look  after  them,  but  they 
must  do  their  duty  well.  I  don't  quite  understand 
the  system  here,  but,  as  far  as  I  can  gather,  the 
police  official  of  rank  is  appointed  by  the  mayor. 
The  mayor  is  elected,  not  soberly  and  carefully, 
but  in  the  most  hectic  manner  imaginable.  He  has 
a  regular  campaign  for  his  position.  Of  course, 
there  is  no  objection  in  the  world  'to  this,  but  the  de 
cisions  of  the  people  are  given  in  moments  of  en 
thusiasm.  They  are  worked  up  to  a  high  pitch  by  the 
satellites  of  the  prospective  mayor.  The  newspapers 
help  him  or  they  don't;  but  whatever  they  do,  they 
do  it  in  a  flamboyant  manner.  Charges  are  some 
times  brought  against  a  prospective  mayor  that 
would  cause  an  English  newspaper  to  be  suppressed 
for  libel.  As  far  as  I  can  see,  the  head  police  officials 
are  dependent  for  their  positions  upon  the  retention  of 
the  mayor  in  office.  A  mayor  may  be  a  clever,  good, 
conscientious  man,  but  you  know  as  well  as  I  do,  that 
the  tribe  spirit  is  merely  dormant  in  us  mortals,  and 
the  very  best  of  us  like  to  help  our  friends.  And  then 
the  police  officials  are  always  being  criticised  by  the 
newspapers.  Sometimes  they  are  praised  in  a  most 
extravagant  manner,  and,  a  few  weeks  after,  they  get 
slanged  to  bits.  Criticise  your  members  of  parliament, 


AN  OFFENSIVE  BOMBARDMENT   143 

tear  to  pieces  the  character  of  the  prime  minister,  but 
surely  it  is  foolish  to  criticise  the  cop. 

I  am  not  going  to  talk  about  graft  amongst  the 
police  because  I  don't  know  anything  about  it.  But 
one  hears  very  strange  stories. 

If  the  people  ruled  'this  country,  instead  of  allow 
ing  their  national  trait  of  enthusiasm  to  rule  them,  I 
supposq  it  would  be  all  right.  As  a  matter  of  fact, 
things  go  along  quite  smoothly.  The  American  folk 
are  awfully  good  natured  and  never  worry  about  any 
thing  in  particular.  Hence  they  don't  mind  if  Broad 
way  continues  to  suggest  a  particularly  unpleasant 
line  of  trenches  in  Flanders.  They  don't  mind  if  the 
telephone  lines  in  a  small  town  all  collapse  during  a 
storm,  not  because  of  the  fury  of  the  elements,  but  be 
cause  the  telephone  company  has  laid  its  wires  care 
lessly  and  untidily. 

An  American  young  man  sometimes  does  not  even 
know  the  name  of  his  congressman — he  never  reads 
what  the  said  gentleman  says  before  the  House.  He 
just  doesn't  care.  He  fails  sometimes  to  realize  his 
duty  as  a  citizen  of  a  very  great  nation  whose  men 
have  died  for  the  privilege  of  ruling  their  own  coun 
try.  When  anyone  expresses  annoyance  with  a  par 
ticularly  bad  road,  he  remarks :  "  These  damn 
politicians ! " 

It  is  a  pity  in  some  ways.  He  builds  his  bridge. 
It  will  carry  him  and  his  family  well.  The  next  man 


144  OVER  HERE 

finds  it  wanting,  so  he  patches  it.  A  concourse  of 
persons  passing  over  soon  afterward  all  fall  into  the 
elements  below.  Someone  else  then  arrives  and  builds 
another  one  just  as  flimsy,  just  as  weak  and  just  as 
beautiful  to  look  upon  as  the  first  fellow's  effort.  And 
an  American  thinks  he  is  "  getting  there." 

These  remarks,  perhaps  a  little  unfair,  do  not 
apply  to  the  West  or  the  Middle  West. 

And,  of  course,  he  does  get  there,  but  it  all  is 
owing  to  the  great  big  background  to  his  character 
which  he  inherits  from  his  ancestors,  and  his  natural 
efficiency  allied  to  good  health. 

Of  course,  some  will  urge  that  this  country  is  still 
a  melting  pot.  That  may  be  true,  but  as  far  as  I  can 
see  the  immigrant  of  the  first  generation  has  little  in 
fluence.  Great  big  things  are  ahead  for  this  country, 
but  the  people  will  have  to  suffer  a  great  deal  first.  I 
can  see  millions  of  young  men  returning  from  the  war 
in  Europe  with  an  inquiring  mind.  These  men  will 
have  realized  the  value,  the  effectiveness  of  discipline, 
and  they  will  apply  it  to  their  servants,  ^he  gentlemen 
in  Washington.  The  press  will  be  the  mouthpiece. 
The  police  will  also  be  their  servants,  not  their  mas 
ters,  and  a  cop  will  not  have  to  worry  about  elections 
and  rude  remarks  in  the  papers  unless  he  deserves 
them. 

The  open  air  life,  the  freedom  of  the  battlefield, 
the  time  supplied  for  reflection  will  mould  the  national 


AN  OFFENSIVE  BOMBARDMENT   145 

character.  Things  will  then  change  for  hotel  clerks, 
head  waiters,  and  all  the  million  other  satellites,  that 
prey  upon  the  wonderful  good  nature  and  kindliness 
of  our  cousins. 

Americans  will  also  become  a  little  more  lazy  and 
will  realise  that  it  profits  a  man  nothing  in  this  won 
derful  world  if  he  gains  five  million  dollars  and  gets 
a  nervous  breakdown.  An  American  man  never 
seems  able  to  be  elegantly  lazy.  I  suppose  it  is  the'/ 
climate.  Slow  country  life  bores  him  to  desperation ; 
he  cannot  enjoy  the  supervision  of  a  large  estate  until 
he  has  reached  a  great  age. 

Criticism  is  so  easy.  If  my  friends  read  this  they 
would  say:  "  Et  tu  Brute;  are  you  so  perfect?  "  I 
could  only  reply :  "  We  are  a  good  deal  worse,  but 
our  confounded  papers  guard  us  a  little  and  we  do 
stand  by  our  cops.  Go  thou  and  do  likewise." 


XII 

SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE 

BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  September  30,  1917. 

I  AM  now  awaiting  my  orders  to  return  to  my  regi 
ment.  Towards  the  beginning  of  the  month  I  felt 
that  it  would  be  a  good  idea  to  try  and  see  some 
fellows  I  knew.  Things  were  getting  impossible  here, 
and  I  was  feeling  a  little  lonely,  so  I  asked  my  chief  in 
New  York  if  he  would  allow  me  to  visit  some  friends 
for  a  few  days.  He  agreed  and  so  I  decided  to  visit 
the  commodore  and  his  wife  on  the  "  Reina  Mercedes  " 
at  Annapolis.  The  "  Reina  Mercedes  "  was  captured 
by  the  American  Navy  at  Santiago.  Her  own  crew 
sank  her  hoping  to  block  the  channel  at  the  entrance 
to  the  bay.  She  was  easily  raised  and  now  all  snowy 
white,  possessing  an  absurd  little  funnel,  and  a  couple 
of  thin  masts,  she  acts  as  a  receiving  ship  at  the 
Academy.  She  suggests  a  beautiful  houseboat,  and 
the  captain  possesses  very  comfortable  quarters  for 
his  wife  and  family. 

I  left  Bethlehem  at  3  P.M.,  arrived  at  Philadelphia 
somewhere  around  five  o'clock  and  decided  to  get  into 
uniform  sometime  during  the  evening  before  catching 
the  midnight  train  for  Washington. 

While  the  kit  of  a  mounted  officer  in  the  British 

146 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  147 

army  has  certain  attractions  for  the  wearer  in  Eng 
land  and  France,  its  leather  field  boots,  Bedford  cord 
breeches,  and  whip  cord  tunic  make  one  feel  very  hot 
and  uncomfortable  on  a  warm  midsummer's  night  in 
Philadelphia.  At  eleven  o'clock,  with  still  an  hour 
to  wait  for  my  train,  an  iced  drink  became  a  necessity, 
so  I  descended  to  the  cafe  and  suggested  to  the  waiter 
that  he  should  supply  me  with  an  iced  drink  as  large 
as  possible.  I  thought  that  orangeade  might  meet 
the  case,  but  the  waiter  mentioned  a  mint  julep.  The 
drink  was  unfamiliar,  but  it  sounded  good,  and  Ameri 
can  people  make  the  most  wonderful  soft  drinks  in 
the  world.  The  very  word  "  mint "  suggested  cool 
ness,  and  the  fragrant  smell  of  the  upper  river  at 
Cambridge  on  a  summer's  day  came  back  to  my  mind 
as  I  sat  behind  a  large  column  in  the  cafe.  Hence  I 
said:  "  Right  O!  Bring  me  a  mint  julep."  He  did, 
curse  him !  With  a  large  chicken  sandwich  it  arrived. 
The  glass  was  all  frosted,  filled  with  mushy  ice,  while 
a  dainty  little  bunch  of  green  mint  with  its  stems 
piercing  the  ice  floated  on  the  top.  I  was  more 
thirsty  than  hungry,  and  I  was  very  hungry. 

I  drank  the  mint  julep  at  once.  It  was  delicious, 
a  trifle  dry  perhaps,  but  delicious.  For  a  soft  drink 
the  effect  was  decidedly  interesting.  My  first  sensa 
tion  was  a  nice  singing,  advancing  sound  in  my  head. 
I  felt  myself  to  be  drifting  along  a  smooth  stream  with 
overhanging  willows  and  masses  of  mint  growing  on 


148  OVER  HERE 

the  banks.  I  felt  that  delightful  sensation  that  one 
feels  when  a  tooth  has  been  removed  with  the  aid  of 
gas  and  one  is  just  returning  to  consciousness.  It  is 
a  jar  to  one's  nerves  when  the  dentist's  voice  is  first 
heard  and  the  attending  lady  in  the  uniform  of  a 
nurse  hands  one  a  glass  of  water,  and  the  world, 
with  all  its  troubles  and  dentists  returns  to  one's 
consciousness. 

This  pleasing  feeling  continued  for  a  little  while, 
and  then  I  could  see  the  panelled  walls  of  the  room, 
and  I  heard  what  seemed  a  still  small  voice  talking  in 
extremely  bad  French  to  the  waiter  who  answered  in 
what  must  have  been  good  French.  The  voice  using 
the  bad  French  was  very  familiar  and  then  I  realized 
that  it  was  my  own.  I  promptly  switched  to  English, 
but  the  voice  was  still  far  distant.  Finally  full  con 
sciousness  returned,  also  a  realization  of  the  situa 
tion.  Then  the  voice  in  the  distance  said :  "  Waiter, 

your  d mint  julep  has  gone  to  my  head  and  I 

must  catch  a  train  in  exactly  half  an  hour."  The 
waiter's  voice  expressed  sorrow  and  suggested  much 
water  and  more  sandwiches.  I  drank  water  and  I  ate 
sandwiches,  and  the  vision  of  Mr.  Pickwick  in  the 
wheelbarrow  came  upon  me  with  full  force.  I  was 
thankful  that,  in  spite  of  all,  I  could  see  my  watch; 
but  if  the  waiter  had  not  been  firm  I  should  have 
missed  my  train.  The  water  and  sandwiches  were  suc 
cessful.  A  faint  knowledge  of  Christian  Science 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  149 

picked  up  from  my  chief  in  New  York  helped  and  in  a 
perfectly  stately  manner  I  walked  out  of  the  hotel 
and  along  the  road  and  caught  my  train. 

I  would  advise  all  foreigners  arriving  in  America 
to  avoid  mint  juleps.  I  am  not  going  to  say  that  the 
experience  was  not  pleasurable.  It  was  extremely 
pleasant,  almost  delightful,  but  a  mint  julep  taken 
several  hours  after  a  meal  when  one  drinks  but  little 
at  any  time  is  extremely  potent.  I  have  been  told 
since  that  just  after  a  meal  a  mint  julep  is  com 
paratively  harmless  and  that  it  is  not  a  soft  drink. 
Frankly  I  will  never  touch  one  again  as  long  as  I 
live.  There  were  too  many  possibilities  lurking  in 
its  icy  depths. 

I  arrived  in  Washington  safely  and  found  that 
my  uniform  acted  as  a  wonderful  talisman.  Every 
officer  of  the  U.  S.  A.  that  I  met  desired  to  show 
kindness  in  some  way.  It  was  impossible  to  pay  for 
a  meal. 

I  put  up  at  a  hotel  and,  with  the  aid  of  the  tele 
phone,  commenced  to  accumulate  friends  from  certain 
officers'  training  stations  around.  Most  of  them  had 
not  had  time  to  buy  uniforms  of  their  own,  but  were 
dressed  in  the  sort  supplied  by  the  quartermaster's 
store — good  material,  but  badly  fitting.  However 
this  fact  could  not  in  the  slightest  alter  the  effect 
produced  by  the  glowing  health  that  seemed  to  char 
acterize  all  of  them. 


150  OVER  HERE 

Their  eyes  were  clear  and  bright  like  the  eyes 
of  a  thoroughbred  in  perfect  condition.  One  or  two 
had  lost  a  little  weight,  with  some  advantage  perhaps. 
In  a  word,  good  looking,  handsome  fellows  though 
they  had  been  before  the  war,  military  training,  plain 
good  food,  and  an  entire  absence  of  mint  juleps  had 
worked  magic. 

We  had  all  lived  together  in  Bethlehem  and  coming 
so  recently  from  that  town  that  both  they  and  I  had 
grown  to  love,  we  commenced  that  form  of  conversa 
tion  which  consists  of  many  questions  and  no  an 
swers.  You  know  the  sort — everybody  pleased  with 
everybody  else  and  everybody  talking  at  once.  I 
forgot  most  of  it,  but  as  far  as  I  remember  it  con 
sisted  of,  "  Gee !  Mac,  but  you  do  look  fine  in  the 
English  uniform.  Have  you  been  over  to  see  Lucy 
lately?  How's  Lock?  Are  '  yer  '  getting  your  guns 
a  bit  quicker?  How's  'Sally?'  Does  Curly  still 
serve  funny  drinks?  We're  all  on  the  wagon  now 
even  when  we  get  the  chance.  It  makes  you  feel  fitter. 
We  hope  to  get  over  soon.  Don't  forget  to  let  us 
have  those  addresses  soon.  Gee!  but  we'll  all  have 
some  parties  in  London  some  day.  We've  got  to 
work  awful  hard,  but  its  fine,  and  we've  never  felt 
better  in  our  lives." 

Finally  we  all  rushed  out  to  buy  equipment  and 
uniforms.  Young  officers  always  get  smitten  with  a 
very  pleasing  disease  which  makes  them  rush  about 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  151 

any  city  buying  every  conceivable  form  of  equip 
ment  and  uniform.  They'll  buy  anything.  They'll  ex 
tract  from  a  pleased  though  overworked  tailor  prom 
ises  that  he  can  seldom  keep.  If  he  does  keep  them 
he  ought  to  spend  many  hours  in  bitter  remorse  for 
supplying  clothing  and  uniform  that  would  have 
been  spurned  by  a  well  turned  out  Sammee  or  Tommy 
in  the  days  of  the  great  peace. 

It  is  part  of  the  fun  of  the  thing,  this  disease. 
We  all  had  it  in  England  in  the  latter  days  of  1914 
and  the  early  days  of  1915.  We  also  caused  expres 
sions  of  horror  and  dismay  to  creep  over  the  well- 
bred  faces  of  the  regular  officers  we  found  at  our 
barracks. 

However  we  all  rushed  about  Washington  enjoy 
ing  the  process  of  being  saluted  and  saluting.  We 
assaulted  a  department  store  and  descended  to  the 
basement,  where  a  worn-out  clerk  and  his  employer, 
especially  the  latter,  did  what  he  could  for  us.  He 
was  interested  in  what  he  called  the  "  goods  "  which 
formed  my  tunic.  He  regretted  that  Uncle  Sam  had 
not  adopted  our  uniform  with  its  large  pockets  and 
comfortable  collar.  I've  often  wondered  about  this 
myself,  but  I  suppose  that  stiff  collar  looks  smarter, 
although  I  am  sure  that  it  must  choke  a  fellow. 

These  fellows  are  going  to  make  wonderful  offi 
cers,  I  am  sure.  The  whole  thing  brought  back  to 
me  the  wonderful  early  days  of  the  war  when  we  were 


152  OVER  HERE 

all  longing  to  get  over  to  have  a  whack  at  the  Boche. 
We  still  enjoy  fighting  him  since  he  is  such  a 
blighter,  but  nowadays  it  is  slightly  different.  It  has 
become  a  business  minus  mad  enthusiasm,  for  we 
know  what  we  are  up  against. 

Of  course  when  you  first  get  over  there  the  chances 
of  getting  knocked  out  seem  one  in  fifty,  but  after  six 
months  it  becomes  "  fifty-fifty."  After  nine  months 
or  a  year  the  chances  of  getting  scuppered  seem  to 
grow  greater,  and  the  deadly  monotony  becomes  un 
bearable.  It  is  then  time  to  get  a  "  Blighty  "  and  a 
rest  in  hospital. 

A  visit  to  Washington  on  a  Saturday  afternoon 
is  well  worth  while,  merely  to  see  the  young  officers 
going  about.  They  are  very  careful  about  saluting. 
I  suppose  war  is  a  bad  thing  from  every  aspect,  but 
it  seems  bearable  in  the  capital  city,  when  one  sees 
the  effect  of  military  life  on  the  many  men  walking 
about  the  streets. 

One  thing  seemed  unusual  to  me,  and  that  was  the 
number  of  junior  officers  who  were  over  thirty.  It 
would  seem  that  this  in  America  were  a  good  thing. 
I  wonder.  The  respect  and  affection  shown  to  the 
young  junior  officer  by  his  men  is  a  very  fine  thing. 
We  find  in  our  army  that  the  subaltern  of  immature 
age  gets  this  much  more  easily  than  anyone  else. 
Affection  is  more  powerful  than  respect,  and  when  it 
comes  to  the  actual  difficult,  dangerous  work,  the 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  153 

leading  of  a  charge,  for  instance,  the  youngster  can 
sometimes  carry  it  off  with  less  effort  than  the  older 
man.  Of  course,  he  has  not  the  same  sanity  of 
judgment  possessed  by  the  older  chap.  Possibly  he 
will  attempt  the  most  impossible  kind  of  stunts. 
However,  time  will  tell  and  it  is  useless  to  compare 
British  experience  in  this  respect  with  American. 

In  our  army  it  is  only  the  subaltern  and  the  field 
marshal  who  can  afford  to  be  undignified.  A  little 
lack  of  dignity  on  the  part  of  both  is  often  effective. 
A  man  just  over  thirty  is  apt  to  overdo  dignity.  He 
is  like  a  second  year  man  at  a  university — just  a  little 
difficult  to  manage.  In  our  army,  the  men  seem  to 
take  a  fatherly  interest  in  their  platoon  commander 
and  will  follow  him  to  hell,  if  necessary.  Of  course, 
when  you  become  a  captain  or  a  major  or  something 
equally  great,  then  it  is  a  different  matter,  but  the 
subaltern  has  so  much  personal  intercourse  with  his 
men,  that  if  you  can  introduce  a  personal  feeling  of 
love  and  affection  to  this  relation  it  is  a  great  help  on 
a  nasty,  rainy,  miserable  night  in  the  trenches.  The 
subaltern  forms  a  connecting  link  between  the  men 
and  the  more  superior  officers,  and  that  link  becomes 
very  strong  when  the  junior  officer  is  an  enthusiastic 
youth  who  makes  a  few  unimportant  mistakes  some 
times,  but  with  all  is  a  very  proper  little  gentleman, 
who  understands  when  a  fellow  makes  a  break  occa 
sionally.  There's  nothing  greater  in  this  world  than 


154  OVER  HERE 

love,  and  in  my  experience  there's  nothing  finer  over 
there  in  France  than  the  affection,  and  protective  in 
terest  shown  by  the  dear  old  British  Tommy  for  the 
youth,  not  long  out  of  school,  who  is  his  "  orficer  "  and 
a  "proper  torf "  into  the  bargain,  or  what  the  Sammee 
would  call  a  "  reg'lar  feller." 

After  dining  at  the  hotel  I  had  to  leave  my  friends, 
and  catching  a  slightly  unclean  trolley  car  found  my 
self  dashing  along  to  Annapolis. 

At  the  academy  gates  I  was  met  by  a  coloured 
steward  who,  after  feeling  the  weight  of  my  bag,  asked 
if  I  were  going  to  stay  a  week.  Secretly  I  hoped  so, 
but  merely  laughed  lightly.  At  the  "  Reina  "  I  was 
received  cheerily  by  the  commodore  and  his  wife,  and 

their  two  nieces  R and  M .  They  are  both 

ripping  girls  of  entirely  different  types.  R is 

what  we  would  call  in  England  a  typical  American 
girl — original,  bright,  happy-go-lucky,  a  delightful 

companion ;  while  M represents  an  international 

type  of  young  womanhood ;  sympathetic,  the  sort  of 
girl  that  makes  a  priceless  friend,  as  the  newsboy 
says :  "  One  wat  knows  all  abawt  yer  and  yet  likes 
yer." 

The  next  day  after  lunch,  dear  old  Eddy  came  on 
board  full  of  enthusiasm  and  witty  remarks,  that 
would  come  out,  in  spite  of  his  efforts  to  keep  them 
back,  or  to  reserve  them  for  more  fitting  occasions.  I 
was  very  glad  to  see  him.  His  father,  a  naval  officer 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  155 

of  rank,  had  lived  at  Annapolis  during  his  son's 
boyhood.  Here  Edward  established  a  reputation  for 
being  the  "  baddest  "  boy  in  America.  He  was  brim 
ming  over  with  mischief  and  was  the  terror  of  the 
young  midshipmen  who  had  attained  sufficient  seni 
ority  to  be  allowed  to  walk  out  with  young  persons. 

He  is  still  full  of  mischief  and  loves  to  tease 
people,  but  the  person  being  "  ragged  "  always  enjoys 
the  process.  I  met  him  first  at  a  large  steel  plant. 
For  two  years  he  had  worked  very  hard,  practically 
as  a  laborer,  refusing  to  go  about  with  the  young 
people  of  the  town.  Finally,  however,  he  got  promo 
tion  and  found  himself  in  the  sales  department.  He 
now  burst  upon  our  local  society  and  no  party  was 
complete  without  him.  He  is  very  much  a  man's  man. 
He  says  more  witty,  droll  things  in  one  week  than 
most  people  say  in  five  years. 

As  soon  as  war  broke  out  he  joined  the  Navy  as  a 
"  gob,"  in  other  words  an  ordinary  seaman.  How 
ever,  he  got  a  commission,  and  was  soon  sent  to  An 
napolis  for  a  short  course  of  intensive  training. 

We  all  chatted  for  a  time  and  then  walked  round 
the  city  of  Annapolis.  Annapolis  is  very  like  Cam 
bridge,  apparently  quite  as  old  fashioned,  and  has 
numbers  of  nice  old  red  brick  houses  rather  like  Queen 
Anne  houses  in  England.  It  seemed  sound  asleep. 

We  sought  a  movie  show,  and  went  in  to  see  some 
star  alleged  to  be  good  looking,  playing  in  a  piece 


156  OVER  HERE 

called  "  The  Snake's  Tooth."  There  were  no  ser 
pents,  and  the  star  seemed  to  me  to  be  a  little  fat  and 
bourgeois  looking,  but  she  wore  some  stunning  frocks 
for  her  more  agonizing  scenes.  There  was  a  hand 
some  looking  fellow  moving  about  the  screen  very  well 
dressed.  I  tried  to  sleep,  but  couldn't  because  the 
chair  was  not  meant  for  sleeping  in. 

After  the  show  we  went  to  a  party  given  by  one 
Peter,  which  was  a  great  success.  We  were  the  first 
to  arrive,  but  soon  numbers  of  other  people  came  in. 
I  enjoyed  this  party  very  much  and  fell  in  love  with 
both  my  host  and  hostess.  Mademoiselle,  Peter's 
sister  and  our  hostess,  told  me  that  she  loved  my 
countrymen ;  and  I  told  her  that  it  would  be  impossi 
ble  for  all  my  countrymen  not  to  love  her,  which  re 
mark  seemed  to  please  her.  They've  got  a  ripping 
little  house  all  filled  with  old  china,  prints,  and 
daintily  wrought  silver.  We  were  a  very  cheery 
party.  All  the  men  were  in  uniform  and  everybody 
knew  everybody  else  and  I  was  quite  sorry  when  we 
had  to  return  to  the  "  Reina  Mercedes  "  for  dinner. 

However,  after  dinner  we  went  to  the  local  inn  and 
danced,  but  unfortunately,  I  wounded  a  lady's  frock 
with  my  spurs  so  we  sought  the  grill  room,  an  under 
ground  place  suggesting  the  vault  of  a  royal  prince 
in  a  fashionable  mausoleum. 

The  next  day  we  all  set  off  in  launches  to  visit 
some  friends  who  have  a  charming  country  house  on 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  157 

the  Severn.  There  were  about  twenty  of  us  and  we 
decided  to  form  a  club  called  the  Reina  Club.  There 
are  no  rules  or  regulations  to  our  club  but  as  we 
form  a  mutual  admiration  society  it  is  impossible  to 
remain  a  member  unless  you  like  or  are  liked  by  the 
other  members.  We  made  the  Commodore  president 
and  his  wife  vice-president. 

We  had  a  wonderful  day  which  consisted  of  golf, 
swimming,  boating,  dancing,  and  all  sorts  of  other 
amusing  things.  Our  host  and  hostess  had  engaged 
the  services  of  a  darky  band  which  seemed  to  follow  us 
about  everywhere  even  while  we  were  all  swimming. 
I  have  never  tried  to  swim  to  music  before. 

The  Severn  is  a  beautiful  wide  river.  I  have 
heard  people  in  Australia  boasting  about  Sydney 
Harbour;  I  have  heard  New  Zealanders  singing  the 
praises  of  the  Waitemata ;  I  have  heard  Tasmanians 
observing  that  there  is  no  place  in  the  world  like  the 
Derwent  River ;  but  I  have  never  yet  heard  an  Ameri 
can  say  a  great  deal  about  the  Severn  River.  And 
yet  I  cannot  imagine  anything  more  lovely  than  this 
wide  stream  which  winds  its  stately  way  through  the 
low  lying  hills  of  Maryland. 

The  few  houses  that  appear  amidst  the  foliage 
help  to  add  beauty  to  the  whole  effect,  and  when  the 
stream  reaches  the  grounds  of  the  academy,  with  first 
the  hospital  buildings,  then  the  pretty  wee  cemetery, 
and  finally  the  main  group  of  buildings,  the  effect  is 


158  OVER  HERE 

just  wonderful.  You  should  be  there  on  a  summer's 
afternoon  when  the  river  is  literally  covered  with  the 
sailing  craft  in  which  the  midshipmen  practice  sea 
manship.  Some  of  them  man  long-boats  and  dash 
past  with  long  sweeps  crashing  into  the  blue  water, 
keeping  perfect  time.  They  all  wear  little  round  caps 
edged  with  white,  a  superior  edition  of  the  head-gear 
worn  by  the  ordinary  seaman. 

Sometimes  larger  craft  will  pass,  manned  by 
gentlemen  wearing  the  ordinary  naval  officer's  caps 
but  dressed  in  khaki  shirts  and  breeches.  They  are 
naval  reserve  officers  and  are  out  with  the  fell  pur 
pose  of  laying  mines  of  a  harmless  nature,  and  when 

they  pass  M ,  R ,  and  I  give  up  enticing  the 

wily  crab  to  fix  itself  to  the  piece  of  mutton  we  have 
dangling  at  the  end  of  a  string,  and  have  a  good  look 
to  see  if  we  can  recognize  any  of  our  club  members. 

Sometimes  we  see  J ,  sometimes  we  catch  a 

glimpse  of  B ;  often  J is  at  the  helm,  so  we 

all  wave,  but  they  are  much  too  serious  about  their 
work  to  notice  us,  so  we  return  to  the  job  of  catching 
crabs  for  to-morrow's  dinner.  This  crab  catching  is 

rather  fun,  but  R is  very  bad  at  it  for  as  soon  as 

a  crab  has  been  tempted  to  fix  its  great  big  claws  to 
the  bait,  she  gets  very  excited  and  the  crab  gets  sus 
picious  and  lets  go. 

One  day  Eddy  and  I  called  on  the  superintendent 
and  had  tea,  and  I  am  perfectly  certain  that  we 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  159 

stayed  too  long,  but  we  hated  leaving,  because  our 
hostess  and  host  were  so  amusing,  and  in  any  case,  it 
was  their  fault.  There  were  several  midshipmen 
present;  third  year  men,  I  believe.  That  academy 
training  would  make  a  man  out  of  any  "  rabbit." 

At  the  end  of  the  week,  all  my  friends  of  the  naval 
reserve  graduated,  and  we  all  went  to  see  the  cere 
mony.  The  superintendent  made  a  short  speech, 
every  sentence  of  which  was  of  value — short,  brisk, 
bright,  inspiring.  The  Secretary  of  the  Navy  then 
addressed  the  men  and  presented  them  with  their 
diplomas.  We  all  cheered  as  our  friends  went  up  and 
returned  with  their  certificates.  K got  a  par 
ticularly  enthusiastic  reception.  He  is  a  youth  of 
great  size,  a  mighty  man  before  the  Lord,  a  fine  type 
of  American  manhood.  He  now  commands  a  subma 
rine  destroyer  and  my  great  hope  is  that  the  Boche 
sea  soldiers  won't  get  him. 

After  the  ceremony  we  all  parted  feeling  a  little 
miserable  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  we  were  all  going  to 
meet  in  New  York,  a  few  days  later,  at  a  party  given 
by  a  very  charming  American  lady  who  had  invited 
us  to  be  her  guests  in  New  York. 

The  New  York  party  was  a  great  success.  I 
occupied  an  apartment  at  the  hotel  which  the  Duke 
of  Plaza  Tora  would  have  been  proud  to  live  in.  We 
went  to  theatres  together  and  also  visited  the  Mid 
night  Frolic. 


160  OVER  HERE 

The  very  name  "  Midnight  Frolic  "  suggests  sin 
and  wickedness,  but  the  show  is  not  at  all  wicked, 
really.  If  you  want  to  be  particularly  devilish,  the 
thing  to  do  is  to  engage  a  table  right  underneath  a 
glass  gallery  where  a  few  chorus  ladies  walk  around. 
This  struck  me  as  being  a  little  curious,  because  it 
could  either  be  impossibly  revolting  or  merely  futile. 
It  must  obviously  be  the  latter,  but  I  dare  say  certain 
men  feel  themselves  to  be  "  reg'lar  fellers  "  as  they 
look  at  these  ladies  from  an  impossible  angle.  I 
wonder  why  they  have  it,  but  I  suppose  the  people 
running  the  show  realize  that  it  takes  lots  of  people 
to  make  up  this  funny  world,  and  that  quite  a  large 
portion  of  humanity,  while  hating  to  be  really  nasty, 
likes  at  times  to  appear  fearfully  wicked  to  others. 
I  guess  that  they  are  merely  "  showing  off  "  like  the 
people  at  the  Sunday  school  exercises  in  Tom  Sawyer. 
This  world  would  be  a  very  puritanical  place  if  folk 
showed  themselves  to  be  as  good  as  they  really  are. 

The  next  night  we  went  to  a  musical  comedy 
which  had  some  bright  spots  marred  a  little  by  the 
leading  actor  who  possessed  the  supreme  courage  to 
imitate  a  rather  more  clever  person  than  himself — 
Billy  Sunday.  Of  course,  if  Billy  Sunday  is  a  knave 
then  the  actor  chap  is  doing  the  right  thing  to  expose 
him,  but  quite  numbers  of  people  have  been  made  a 
little  better  by  the  Reverend  William  and  the  evidence 
seems  to  show  that  he  is  sincere  and  just  as  capable 


SIX  DAYS'  LEAVE  161 

of  making  men  better  as  of  being  able  to  play  a  jolly 
good  game  of  base  ball.  "  Voild!  " 

A  few  days  after  this  I  visited  two  members  of 
the  Reina  Club  who  are  married  to  each  other  and 
who  live  on  Long  Island  with  a  tiny  wee  baby.  I 
loved  the  baby  especially.  She  had  a  bad  cold  and 
her  wee  nose  was  all  red  at  the  corners  and  her  tiny 
eyes  were  watering,  but  that  did  not  prevent  her 
from  being  a  profound  optimist.  She  looked  at  me 
doubtfully  for  a  moment  while  she  wondered  if  I 
would  respond  to  the  great  big  smile  she  threatened 
to  give  me.  I  got  the  smile  all  right. 

And  now  I  am  back  in  Bethlehem,  but  my  mind  re 
fuses  to  think  about  guns  and  gun  carriages,  but 
rather  persists  in  soaring  sometimes  down  to  An 
napolis,  sometimes  down  to  Norfolk,  often  across  the 
ocean  to  the  Irish  channel,  at  all  of  which  places  I 
have  warm  friends  amongst  the  sailors  of  Uncle  Sam. 


11 


XIII 

GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES 

BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  October  30,  1917. 

I  WANT  to  tell  you  about  an  interesting  race  of 
people  called  "  inspectors."  If  you  are  merely  a  foot 
slogger,  and  know  nothing  about  guns  and  carriages, 
I  had  better  give  you  a  slight  idea  of  the  things  that 
happen  to  a  simple  gun  and  carriage  before  it  reaches 
the  comparative  rest  of  the  battlefield. 

Now  the  word  "  inspector "  at  once  suggests 
someone  who  inspects.  I've  had  to  inspect  my  men 
in  order  to  prepare  myself  and  them  for  the  visitation 
of  the  major,  who  in  turn  awaits  the  colonel.  But 
the  inspection  of  a  gun  is  a  very  different  matter.  As 
a  mere  person  who  is  responsible  for  the  firing  of  the 
thing,  and  also  the  unwilling  target  of  the  people  who 
desire  to  destroy  the  gun  and  its  servants,  I  was  al 
ways  wont  to  call  the  whole  thing,  including  the 
wheels  and  all  the  mechanism,  a  "  gun."  But  this 
showed  remarkable  inaccuracy.  The  gun  is  just  the 
tubes  of  steel,  with  the  top  or  outside  one  termed  the 
jacket,  that  form  what  a  layman  would  call  the 
barrel,  and  a  properly  trained  recruit  "  the  piece." 
All  the  rest  is  the  carriage.  If  you  are  dealing  with 
inspectors  be  very  careful  about  this.  They  are  gen- 
162 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  163 

erally  awfully  good  at  mathematics,  and  can  dictate 
letters  by  the  yard  without  winking.  They  can  work 
out  fearful  things  called  curves.  I  believe  this  has 
something  to  do  with  strain,  and  suggests  to  my  un- 
mathematical  mind  the  dreadful  thing  I  had  to  draw 
in  order  to  get  through  my  "  little  go." 

Now  the  manufacturer  of  a  gun  and  carriage 
doesn't  just  make  the  thing,  and  then  after  a  few 
trial  shots  hand  it  over  to  the  inspector  saying: 
"  Here's  your  gun.  Now  go  and  shoot  the  Germans, 
I  don't  think  it  will  burst  during  the  first  preliminary 
bombardment  and  kill  a  few  men."  No  sir !  The  in 
spector  is  responsible  to  his  government,  that  every 
inch  of  that  gun  and  carriage  is  according  to  specifi 
cation.  I  should  think  that  on  an  average  each  com 
plete  gun  and  carriage  requires  at  least  five  pounds  of 
correspondence,  three  lesser  arguments,  four  greater 
arguments,  two  heated  discussions  and  one  decent 
fight.  I  have  been  present  at  a  fight  or  two  and 
have  come  to  the  wholesome  conclusion  that  both  sides 
were  right — so  what  can  you  do? 

Now  inspectors  can  be  easily  divided  into  two 
classes — the  thorough  mechanic  who  knows  more  than 
the  manufacturer  about  the  production  of  the  piece 
he  is  inspecting,  and  the  other.  The  first  chap  only 
requires  to  use  the  five  pounds  of  paper,  and  seldom 
or  never  has  the  arguments,  unless  he  lacks  a  sense  of 
humour.  I  know  an  inspector  of  whom  a  shop  fore- 


164  OVER  HERE 

man  boasted :  "  That  ther  koirnel  could  condemn 
every  bit  of  woirk  in  the  shop  without  making  a 
single  enemy."  Now  in  these  times  of  stress  the  fel 
low  above  described  is  a  rare  blessing,  so  the  men  on 
the  job  have  got  to  do  their  very  best.  Still  inspec 
tors  are  strange  and  interesting  people. 

Before  I  came  out  here,  I  toured  all  the  great 
munition  factories  in  England.  I  had  a  wonderful 
time,  but  never  met  an  inspector.  Now  that  I  come 
to  think  of  it,  I  do  remember  having  seen  sitting  at 
the  table  at  lunch  one  day  some  gunner  officers,  but  I 
thought  that  they  were  anti-aircraft  fellows.  They 
must  have  been  inspectors. 

In  peace  time,  I  suppose  the  job  is  an  entirely 
different  proposition.  The  firm  that  manufactures 
artillery  and  shells  probably  gets  an  order  for  half  a 
dozen  equipments  and  I  suppose  the  contract  time  is 
liberal.  Then  the  inspector's  job  and  the  manufac 
turer's  is  simple.  The  inspector  must  have  rigid  at 
tention  to  specifications,  and  the  manufacturer,  pos 
sibly,  only  has  his  best  men  doing  the  work.  I  should 
think  then  that  things  would  run  smoothly. 

In  these  days  of  stress  the  contract  time  is  cut 
down  to  the  shortest  possible,  and  instead  of  getting 
orders  by  the  dozen,  a  manufacturer  gets  them  by  the 
hundred,  sometimes  by  the  thousand.  The  result  is 
that  all  his  men  are  on  the  job.  Also  many  other 
munition  firms  are  doing  the  same  sort  of  work  and 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  165 

really  good  workmen  become  scarce.  Then  again  the 
inspection  staff  is  multiplied  tremendously,  and  it 
naturally  takes  years  to  make  a  really  good  inspector. 
Still  the  fellows  I  know  do  their  very  utmost  to  make 
things  go  smoothly.  But  let  me  tell  you  just  a  little 
about  things  as  I  see  them,  and  of  course  I  see  them 
through  inexperienced  eyes. 

A  manufacturer  decides  to  make  a  gun  and  some 
money,  thereby  proving  himself  to  be  an  optimist.  Of 
course,  he  may  succeed  in  making  the  gun.  Poor 
fellow!  He  ought  to  be  allowed  to  make  the  in 
spector,  too.  But  he  cannot,  and  so  commences  a 
strife  in  comparison  to  which  the  great  war  is  a 
mild  performance. 

An  inspector  is  ordered  to  inspect  the  production 
of  guns  at  a  given  munition  plant.  He  arrives,  and 
meets  the  officials  of  the  company,  and  the  first  hour  is 
spent  in  social  amenities.  But  the  inspector  is  not 
deceived.  He  knows  that  all  manufacturers  are  nice 
villains,  so  he  must  be  on  his  guard.  If,  however,  he 
is  a  villain  himself,  and  I  deny,  of  course,  the  existence 
of  villainous  inspectors,  the  matter  should  be  easy  and 
simple ;  the  whole  process  is  delightful  and  the  manu 
facturer  will  make  much  money  arid  his  optimism  will 
be  justified.  If  the  manufacturer  is  an  honest  gentle 
man  and,  strangely  enough,  all  the  manufacturers  I 
have  met  are  honest  gentlemen,  a  villainous  inspector 
will  have  a  hectic  time.  Some  honest  manufacturers 


166  OVER  HERE 

are  comparatively  intelligent,  and  of  course  the  vil 
lainous  inspector,  if  he  existed,  would  soon  leave  a 
rope  behind  him  upon  which  he  could  be  safely 
hanged.  Upon  an  occasion  like  this  if  it  should 
happen,  I,  as  a  Briton,  would  sing  "  God  Save  Our 
Gracious  King,"  and  an  American  would  doubtlessly 
sing  "  The  Star  Spangled  Banner,"  if  he  could  only 
remember  the  words  and  had  a  voice  of  sufficient  mo 
bility.  However,  the  whole  position  is  difficult.  There 
are  boundless  opportunities  for  an  inspector  to  de 
velop  "  frightfulness." 

But  let  us  trace  the  history  of  a  simple  gun  and 
carriage.  Its  opportunities  for  frightfulness  and  a 
frightful  mess  end  only  when  it  reaches  the  firing 
line.  It  has  really  reached  paradise  or  Nirvana  when 
it  is  issued  to  the  battery. 

The  manufacturer  gives  orders  to  the  steel  mill  to 
make  certain  steel  ingots.  The  inspectorial  eye 
watches  the  billets.  They  must  be  of  sufficient  length 
so  that  the  frothy  part  of  the  ingot  at  the  top  will 
not  form  a  vital  part  of  the  forging.  Generally 
speaking,  the  intelligence  of  the  steel  man  prevents 
this  from  happening  so  that  the  inspector  merely  gives 
this  a  little  attention. 

The  steel  is  then  forged  into  what  eventually  will 
be  tubes,  breech  rings,  and  jackets.  You  see  a  gun  is 
generally  made  in  at  least  two  parts  unless  it  is  a 
very  small  one.  They  are  shrunk  together.  The 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  167 

inspector  ignores  these  forgings  until  they  have  been 
"  heat-treated."  It  is  sufficient  to  say  that  the  forg 
ings  are  placed  in  the  hands  of  the  gentleman  in 
charge  of  the  treatment  department.  After  treat 
ment,  a  portion  of  the  steel  is  cut  off.  This  portion 
enters  the  laboratory  and  here  it  is  placed  in  a  ma 
chine  which  pulls  it  apart.  The  machine  displays  a 
sort  of  tug  of  war  and  the  inspectors  watch.  The 
steel  has  got  to  stand  a  certain  strain.  At  a  certain 
strain  it  should  stretch ;  this  is  called  the  elastic  limit. 
At  a  greater  strain  it  should  break,  this  is  called  the 
ultimate  limit.  If  the  steel  fails  to  pass,  the  gentle 
man  in  charge  of  the  treatment  department  has 
failed  us  all,  and  a  feeling  of  exhaustion  creeps  over 
the  man  in  charge  of  production,  for  he  knows  that 
he  must  worry  the  life  out  of  the  fellow  until  he  gets 
it  through  again.  In  these  times  of  stress  when  all 
munition  factories  in  America  are  endeavouring  to 
work  above  their  capacity  the  man  in  charge  of 
production  has  a  rotten  time  of  it. 

However,  the  steel  sometimes  gets  through  and 
finally  reaches  a  machine  shop.  Generally  speak 
ing,  the  foreign  inspector  doesn't  worry  very  much 
about  the  actual  gun  until  it  has  been  proof-fired.  If 
the  manufacturer  has  been  clever  he  will  have  caused 
his  own  inspection  staff  to  watch  closely  every  inch 
of  the  steel  as  the  machine  work  gradually  exposes  the 
metal.  If  he  is  wise  he  will  immediately  condemn  the 


168  OVER  HERE 

whole  thing  if  it  is  very  bad.  If  the  fault  is  trifling 
he  will  have  several  arguments  and  a  heated  discussion 
including  an  appeal  to  the  production  man,  who  will 
sympathize  but  do  very  little.  Perhaps  the  inspector 
will  decide  to  let  the  work  go  on.  Inspectors  are 
sometimes  bad  at  deciding.  They  ponder  and  ponder 
and  ponder  until  the  production  man  decides  that 
they  are  fools  and  the  manufacturer's  man  decides 
that  they  are  villainous  and  officious,  and  possess  any 
amount  of  damnable  qualities.  It  is  all  very  difficult. 
I  seem  to  be  wandering  on  and  on  about  inspectors, 
but  it  is  interesting  when  you  think  that  in  a  com 
paratively  simple  gun  and  carriage  there  are  at  least 
three  thousand  parts,  and  every  part  contains  the 
possibility  of  an  argument. 

Why  doesn't  this  wonderful  country  give  titles  to 
its  kings  of  manufacture  ?  It  would  simplify  matters 
considerably.  You  see  Mr.  Jones  in  the  position  of 
an  inspector,  or  even  Lieutenant  Jones,  or  possibly 
Major  Jones  of  the  Terriers  regards  himself  as  much 
superior  to  any  "  damned  Yankee,"  and  takes  a  vastly 
superior  attitude.  This  can  be  displayed  in  an  argu 
ment.  Now  if  Mr.  Beetles,  president  of  the  Jerusalem 
Steel  Company,  could  only  be  Lord  Rekamnug  or  the 
Duke  of  Baws,  believe  me,  our  national  snobbishness 
would  prevent  Mr.  Jones  in  the  position  of  an  in 
spector,  or  even  Lieutenant  Jones,  or  possibly  Major 
Jones  of  the  Terriers  minus  a  sense  of  humour,  from 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  169 

taking  the  futile  attitude  of  superiority  which  could 
only  be  displayed  by  the  wives  and  daughters  of  the 
more  elegant  clergy  and  smaller  country  gentlemen  in 
"  Blighty." 

Of  course,  as  a  production  man,  it  is  my  duty  to 
regard  inspectors  as  effete.  Still  I  will  be  a  traitor 
and  say  that  a  certain  inspector  who  was  at  one  time 
the  manager  of  a  large  ordnance  factory  not  many 
miles  from  Leamington  did  a  great  deal  for  our 
country  over  here  during  this  time  of  trouble.  I 
wish  I  could  mention  his  name,  but  I  fear  the  censor. 
He  was  the  "  koirnal  who  could  condemn  any 
amount  of  work  without  making  a  single  enemy."  He 
had  personality — that  colonel. 

An  inspector  obviously  should  be  a  specialist.  He 
must  know  his  job  thoroughly.  He  must  know  as 
much  about  manufacture  and  metallurgy  as  the  aver 
age  officer  in  a  mounted  regiment  thinks  he  knows 
about  horses.  As  I  said  before,  the  whole  matter  was 
perfectly  simple  in  the  days  of  peace.  Now  it  is 
different.  It  is  impossible  to  get  sufficient  men  in 
these  days  for  the  job,  so  we  have  got  to  take  what 
we  can  get.  The  most  dangerous  form  of  inspector 
is  the  fellow  that  knows  just  a  little  and  pretends 
that  he  knows  an  awful  lot.  His  very  ignorance 
allied  to  his  sense  of  duty  will  make  it  impossible 
for  him  to  decide  when  a  part  is  serviceable,  although 
not  absolutely  up  to  specifications.  This  man  causes 
delays  and  trouble. 


170  OVER  HERE 

Then  there  is  the  chap  who  knows  quite  a  lot,  but 
alas,  possesses  no  sense  of  humour!  This  type  is 
called  an  obstructionist.  He  is  very  difficult,  well 
nigh  impossible.  He  has  much  fighting  spirit  and 
thoroughly  enjoys  a  dispute  with  the  manufacturer. 
He  also  enjoys  his  autocratic  position.  Quite  often 
he  gives  in  all  right,  but  he  lacks  "  sweet  reasonable 
ness."  The  longer  one  lives,  the  more  one  sees  the 
value  of  personality  in  every  branch  of  life. 

An  essential  quality  in  a  good  inspector  is  person 
ality.  This  never  exists  minus  a  sense  of  humour.  An 
inspector  has  to  condemn  masses  of  work — work  that 
has  had  hours  and  hours  of  patient  machining  and 
fitting.  If  he  could  only  do  it  nicely !  Quite  often, 
he  uses  a  large  axe  when  a  fine  surgical  instrument 
would  save  a  lot  of  trouble.  In  America  it  ought  not 
to  be  difficult,  for  in  my  humble  opinion  the  American 
manufacturer  is  generally  "  sweetly  reasonable."  It 
always  seems  to  me  a  good  thing  if  you  honestly  dis 
approve  of  a  man  or  a  nation,  moreover,  in  dealing 
with  that  man  or  nation  to  hide  your  thoughts,  or 
forget  them,  if  possible.  Take  the  "  wisest  fool  "  in 
Christendom's  advice  to  the  Presbyterians  at  the 
Hampton  Court  conference — "  Pray,  gentlemen,  con 
sider  that  perhaps  you  may  be  wrong." 

In  every  organization  there  is  always  a  definite 
procedure  which  has  got  to  be  adhered  to.  The  big 
man  and  the  fool  will  take  a  short  cut  sometimes  and 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  171 

they  often  get  away  with  it.  Of  course,  they  do  not 
always  and  there  is  trouble,  but  the  big  man  takes 
his  punishment.  The  mediocre  man  will  always  stick 
to  the  beaten  tracks,  with  the  crowd. 

It  has  always  seemed  to  me  that  during  these  dis 
tressful  times  all  short  cuts  should  be  taken.  The 
guns  have  got  to  get  to  France  and  that  is  all  about 
it.  If  they  are  thoroughly  serviceable  that  is  all  that 
matters. 

But  talking  about  short  cuts  and  fools,  I  remem 
ber  an  awful  thing  that  happened  to  me  once  in  the 
early  days  of  the  war  while  we  were  training  in  Eng 
land.  I,  as  a  fellow  from  the  cavalry,  was  given  the 
charming  job  of  teaching  the  N.C.O.'s  of  two  brigades 
to  ride.  It  had  to  be  done  quickly,  of  course,  so  in 
stead  of  taking  the  men  into  the  riding  school  I  used 
to  take  them  across  country.  Of  course,  they  fell 
off  by  the  dozens.  I  commanded  them  to  follow  me 
and  dashed  down  narrow  tracks  in  the  forest  at  a 
good  smart  trot.  It  meant  bending  down  to  avoid 
branches  or  getting  swept  off.  All  kinds  of  things 
used  to  happen  but  they  learnt  to  stick  to  their  horses. 
Sometimes  I  had  not  enough  horses,  and  I  am 
ashamed  to  say  that  some  of  my  fellows  pinched  all 
the  mounts  from  another  battery.  Quite  selfish  this, 
and  when  the  officer  commanding  the  battery  whose 
horses  had  been  pinched  asked  where  his  gees  were, 
he  was  told  that  they  had  been  pinched  "  by  that 


172  OVER  HERE 

there  lootenant  who  takes  the  sergeants  out  over  the 
hills  to  see  the  German  prison  camps."  Of  course,  it 
is  well  to  say  that  I  was  ignorant  of  the  whole  pro 
ceeding  and  although  all  Battery  D's  horses  had  been 
taken  they  only  numbered  about  twelve.  Incidentally 
this  officer  said  nothing  to  me  about  it,  but  he  gave 
his  own  men  hell  for  allowing  the  horses  to  be  taken, 
showing  himself  thereby  a  clever  man.  However,  I 
did  not  mind  very  much.  My  N.C.O.'s  had  to  learn 
to  ride  and  that  was  all  about  it. 

One  day  I  decided  that  as  they  had  all  attained  a 
good  seat  it  might  be  a  good  idea  to  put  them  through 
a  short  course  in  the  riding  school.  It  was  impor 
tant  that  I  should  get  the  riding  school  at  the  time  I 
wanted  it  which  was  nine  o'clock.  I  am  ashamed  to 
say  that  I  had  not  read  orders  that  morning  other 
wise  I  would  have  scented  danger. 

At  8.45  I  sent  three  large  Welsh  miners  up  to  the 
riding  school  to  prevent  others  from  getting  there  be 
fore  me.  I  told  them  to  hold  the  school  against  all 
comers.  This  thrilled  them;  our  sentries  were  only 
armed  with  sticks  in  those  days,  so  they  procured 
large  sticks  and  took  up  a  position  at  the  door  of  the 
riding  school.  I  wish  I  had  read  orders  that  day. 

At  nine  o'clock  I  advanced  to  the  door  of  the 
school,  and  to  my  horror  I  saw  a  gentleman  on  a  large 
horse  with  a  red  cap  and  many  decorations  being 
held  at  bay  by  my  three  Welshmen.  I  nearly  beat  a 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  173 

strategic  retreat,  but  it  was  difficult  so  I  advanced 
in  much  fear.  He  rode  up  to  me  looking  purple  and 
said :  "  Did  you  put  these  men  here  to  hold  the  riding 
school."  I  saluted  and  replied  meekly :  "  Yes,  sir !  " 
"  Why,  may  I  ask?  "  "  Well,  sir,"  I  replied,  "  I  have 
never  had  a  chance  to  use  the  riding  school  and  every 
time  I  come  I  find  it  already  full."  He  looked  bitterly 
at  me  and  said:  "  Boy,  do  you  ever  read  orders?  " 
This  silenced  me.  Then  he  started  to  move  off  but 
turning  round  asked  me  my  name,  and  then  he  said : 
"  Never  put  sentries  at  the  door  of  a  riding  school ;  it 
isn't  soldiering." 

It  was  all  very  terrible  but  Providence  looks  after 
fools  and  I  had  my  hour  in  the  riding  school.  When 
lunch  time  came  I  rushed  to  the  mess  and  looked  at 
orders.  My  heart  sank.  They  showed  that  a  staff 
officer  had  arranged  to  inspect  a  certain  battery's 
equestrian  powers  that  morning.  The  men  under  a 
sergeant  had  arrived,  but  being  impressed  by  the 
formidable  appearance  of  the  Welshmen  had  decided 
to  go  somewhere  else.  The  colonel  then  arrived  and 
found  my  sentries.  A  staff  colonel  was  nothing  in 
their  lives,  but  I  as  their  "  lootenant  "  was  very  much 
so,  and  they  knew  that  they  would  get  into  trouble  if 
they  failed  to  do  what  I  had  ordered.  I  was  very 
pleased  with  them,  but  knew  there  would  be  trouble 
for  me.  I  had  only  been  an  officer  three  weeks  and  it 
looked  verv  bad. 


174  OVER  HERE 

At  lunch  time  I  sat  as  far  away  as  possible  from 
the  staff  officer.  My  own  colonel,  a  topping  chap, 
who  had  left  his  charming  old  country  house  to  help 
to  make  us  all  soldiers  sat  next  to  him.  Elderly 
colonels  are  sometimes  a  little  deaf  and  they  shout  as 
a  rule.  I  was  very  worried  until  I  saw  my  own  colonel 
looking  down  at  me  with  a  grin.  A  moment  after,  he 
gave  the  staff  colonel  a  smack  on  the  back  and  said : 
"  Timkins,  you  funny  old  top,  fancy  being  kept  out 
of  the  riding  school  by  one  of  my  subalterns ! "  I 
felt  safe  after  that  and  looked  for  promotion. 

Of  course,  I  would  not  recommend  that  sort  of 
thing  to  any  one.  After  a  time,  I  learnt  better  and 
discovered  that  at  regular  intervals  during  the  week 
I  had  the  right  to  use  the  riding  school.  It  appeared 
in  orders.  However,  I  learnt  a  great  lesson,  i.e.,  that 
if  you  want  a  thing  badly  enough  there  are  always 
ways  of  getting  it  if  you  are  willing  to  take  risks. 
However,  it  is  a  good  idea  to  know  the  extent  of 
the  risk. 

In  this  life  you  must  be  honest,  of  course,  but 
there  is  nothing  like  a  little  wiliness  to  help  out  occa 
sionally.  My  major  was  the  wiliest  person  I  have 
ever  met,  also  the  best  officer.  He  knew  more  than 
most  people  did  in  the  brigade  because  he  had  been 
wounded  at  the  Marne,  though  slightly,  so  that  in 
the  early  days  of  training  he  was  the  only  officer  of 
rank  who  had  seen  service. 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  175 

One  day  he  sent  me  off  to  the  ordnance  stores 
with  about  one  hundred  men,  because  he  alleged  that 
the  "  emergency  caps  "  supplied  to  the  men  did  not 
fit.  They  did  fit  all  right,  but  the  major  had  hopes. 
These  emergency  caps  were  made  of  nasty  blue  serge 
and  were  the  variety  that  are  placed  on  the  side  of 
the  head  and  that  are  shaped  like  the  boats  you  make 
for  children  out  of  a  square  of  paper.  They  suggest  a 
section  of  the  bellows  of  a  concertina. 

Now  the  way  to  get  stores  from  the  ordnance 
depot  is  to  write  out  a  requisition.  It  is  sent  off  by 
the  Q.M.S.,  and  returns  in  a  day  or  two,  because  he 
has  not  filled  out  the  form  correctly.  However,  after 
many  weeks  the  things  arrive  but  half  of  them  may 
not  fit,  and  there  is  trouble  and  worry.  Upon  no  con 
sideration,  do  you  send  your  men  to  the  stores  to  have 
the  caps  and  tunics  fitted.  This  is  obviously  impossi 
ble.  However,  off  I  went  with  my  hundred  men  to 
Aldershot,  eight  miles  distant.  They  were  a  funny 
bunch,  I  will  admit.  We  arrived  at  the  department 
where  caps  were  kept.  We  marched  in  fours,  myself 
at  the  head,  and  then  came  into  line  in  front  of  the 
building.  It  had  never  occurred  before  and  astonish 
ment  was  displayed  on  the  faces  of  the  sergeants  and 
others,  who  wondered  what  should  happen  next.  I 
sought  the  officer  in  charge  and  the  sergeant  took  me 
to  his  office.  On  the  way  I  took  some  shameless  steps 
with  the  sergeant  and  made  him  my  friend  for  life. 


176  OVER  HERE 

The  officer  in  charge,  a  ranker  captain,  was  not 
very  pleased,  but  I  talked  a  lot  and  made  him  regard 
himself  as  vital  to  my  earthly  happiness.  I  painted 
in  vivid  colours  the  smallness  of  my  men's  caps ;  how 
they  fell  off  when  they  doubled,  and  what  confusion 
ensued  in  the  ranks  as  they  all  stooped  to  pick  them 
up.  He  grew  more  friendly,  and  slightly  amused, 
and  said  he  would  do  what  he  could.  We  started  to 
go  out  to  the  men,  the  sergeant  helping  me  wonder 
fully,  but,  alas,  we  met  an  old  man  with  a  red  cap 
and  of  furious  mien  who  stood  looking  at  my  brave 
soldiers  in  the  distance  with  much  displeasure.  He 
came  to  me  and  gave  me  blazes  and  ordered  me  to 
get  out  of  it.  He  disliked  intensely  the  fact  that  my 
major  regarded  him  as  a  shop  keeper,  he,  the  "  D.C. 
O.S."  or  something  equally  dreadful!  I  explained 
that  the  caps  did  not  fit,  and  that  we  were  desperate 
men.  He  said:  "  They  do  fit."  "  Well,  sir,  will  you 
have  a  look?  "  We  had  to  go  round,  in  order  to  avoid 
a  platform  from  which  stores  were  loaded  into  wagons 
G.  S.  I  jumped  this  place  and  quickly  told  the  ser 
geant  to  make  the  men  put  their  caps  on  the  very  tip 
of  their  heads,  to  change  some,  to  do  anything,  but 
to  do  it  quickly.  The  men  were  fools — they  took  the 
matter  as  a  joke  and  commenced  exchanging  one  an- 
others'  caps,  laughing  and  affecting  a  certain  cunning 
which  seemed  fatal  to  me.  The  general,  of  course, 
caught  them  in  the  very  act,  appreciated  the  situa- 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  177 

tion  and  roared  with  laughter.  After  that  it  was 
not  difficult.  All  of  my  men  were  supplied,  not  with 
new  emergency  caps,  but  with  beautiful  field  service 
khaki  caps  and  they  took  away  with  them  one  hun 
dred  extra  caps  for  the  men  at  home.  When  this 
operation  had  finished  the  general  said :  "  Now  is 
there  anything  else  that  you  want,  for  I'm  damned  if  I 
will  have  you  coming  here  again  in  this  manner?  " 
It  was  all  wrong,  hopelessly  wrong,  but  we  were  proud 
soldiers  as  we  marched  back  into  the  barracks  at 
Deep  Cut,  each  man  wearing  a  perfect  cap  and  carry 
ing  another.  Of  sixteen  batteries,  we  were  the  only 
people  who  could  boast  of  "  caps,  service  field." 

The  maj  or,  of  course,  was  pleased  but  if  it  had  not 
come  off  I  should  have  been  the  person  to  get  strafed, 
and  not  he. 

There  are  always  short  cuts,  even  in  the  inspec 
tion  of  guns  and  carriages. 

I  sometimes  wonder  how  I  have  managed  to  get 
along  out  here  possessing  so  much  ignorance  of  busi 
ness.  It  has  been  comparatively  simple.  I  had  no  in 
tention  of  being  clever,  even  if  it  were  possible,  and 
from  the  start  I  took  a  perfectly  honest  line,  and 
placed  all  my  cards  on  the  table.  I  found  that  this 
was  a  fairly  unusual  manner  of  doing  business  and  it 
worked  well.  I  also  made  the  discovery  that,  instead 
of  being  cunning  knaves,  the  American  manufacturers 
of  my  experience  were  honest  gentlemen.  In  any  case, 
12 


178  OVER  HERE 

I  decided  that  if  they  were  cunning  the  heights  of  my 
cunning  would  never  reach  theirs,  owing  to  my  lack 
of  experience.  I  also  endeavoured  to  learn  from  them 
a  "  good  approach."  This  helped.  I  just  put  it  up 
to  them.  "  Here  am  I  out  here  to  get  work  from  you. 
We  must  have  it.  We've  got  to  strafe  the  Germans 
somehow  and  it  is  up  to  you  to  help  me."  And 
they  have,  bless  them,  especially  the  big  men.  At  any 
rate,  I  can  safely  say  that  anything  I  have  wanted  I 
have  got. 

I  think  that  I  realized  the  situation.  Not  only 
had  they  mostly  "  bitten  off  more  than  they  could 
chew,"  but  they  had  not  realized  the  difficulties  they 
were  up  against.  Of  course,  one  had  to  use  a  little 
common  sense.  During  my  time  here  in  America  one 
has  learnt  a  great  deal,  and,  indeed,  one  has  met  some 
villains.  They  were  not  "  Yankee  manufacturers." 

Do  you  remember  Lady  Deadlock's  lover  in 
"  Bleak  House,"  and  the  street  boy's  eulogy  after  his 
death,  "  He  was  very  good  to  me,  he  was  "  ?  That  is 
how  I  feel  towards  the  men  I  have  met  during  my  time 
here.  They  have  been  very  good  to  me,  all  of  them.  I 
suppose  that  if  I  had  been  an  inspector  the  matter 
would  have  been  different.  Perhaps  I  have  laughed  a 
little  at  inspectors,  but  my  job  has  been  child's  play 
compared  with  theirs. 

The  average  American,  like  other  folk,  enjoys  a 
decent  fight,  but  he  dislikes  killing  people  by  ma- 


GUNS  AND  CARRIAGES  179 

chinery ;  hence  the  machinery  of  war  has  never  been 
manufactured  to  any  great  extent  over  here.  The 
American  is  impatient  of  delay.  He  wants  to  get 
going.  When  held  up,  he  sometimes  fails  to  see  the 
inspector's  point  of  view.  He  is  an  optimist,  but 
optimism  in  gun  and  carriage  manufacture  will  often 
bring  some  bitterness  of  heart,  and  when  an  optimist 
develops  bitterness,  it's  awful. 


XIV 

A  PREMATURE 

BETHLEHEM,  U.  S.  A.,  November,  1917. 

I  HAVE  grown  steadily  to  love  the  American 
people.  English  people  I  have  met  in  this  country 
have  helped  me  so  much.  Contrast  a ! ! 

I  went  to  Cambridge  after  life  in  New  Zealand, 
where  a  spade  is  called  a  spade — and  that's  all  about 
it ;  where,  if  you  are  strong  enough,  you  knock  a  man 
down  if  he  calls  you  a  liar.  At  Cambridge,  I  dis 
covered  that  no  one  had  any  desire  to  call  anyone 
else  a  liar.  Lying  persons,  and  those  who  told  un 
pleasant  truths,  were  not  on  your  list  of  acquaint 
ances  and  as  far  as  you  were  concerned  they  did  not 
exist.  "  Napoo,"  as  Tommy  says. 

But  the  people  one  did  know  and  like,  one  studied 
and  endeavoured  to  understand.  One  also  tried  to 
act  accordingly  so  that  even  if  they  behaved  in  a 
peculiar  fashion  one  avoided  allowing  them  to  even 
suspect  disapproval. 

So  our  older  universities  try  valiantly  to  turn 
out,  not  necessarily  educated  persons,  but  persons 
who  have  a  faint  idea  how  to  behave  themselves 
when  they  are  away  from  home.  This  does  not 
mean  merely  the  use  of  an  elegant  accent  called  here 
180 


A  PREMATURE  181 

with  a  little  amusement  "  English."  It  means  that 
the  fellow  who  takes  a  superior  attitude  towards  any 
one  is  merely  a  stupid  bounder.  It  means  also  that 
the  fellow  who  thinks  himself,  as  a  member  of  the 
British  Nation,  to  be  better  or  in  any  way  superior 
to  any  other  nation  is  a  fool.  He  may  be  superior, 
of  course,  but  the  mere  thought  of  this  superiority 
entering  his  mind  ruins  him  at  once,  and,  as  I  said 
before,  turns  him  into  a  bounder. 

In  other  words,  "  Love  your  own  country  in 
tensely  and  beyond  all  other  countries,  but  for 
Heaven's  sake  don't  let  anyone  suspect  that  you 
regard  yourself  as  a  good  specimen  of  its  human 
production.  If,  unfortunately,  you  discover,  not 
only  that  you  love  yourself,  but  also  that  it  is  owing 
to  you  and  your  like  that  the  British  Empire  is  great, 
climb  the  Woolworth  Building,  not  forgetting  to  pay 
your  dime,  and  then  drop  gracefully  from  the  highest 
pinnacle.  You  will  save  your  nation  and  your 
countrymen  much  suffering  and  a  good  deal  of 
embarrassment. 

No  one  has  ever  given  this  advice  before,  I  am 
quite  sure:  that  probably  accounts  for  the  fact  that 
Britishers  do  suffer  and  are  embarrassed  when  they 
meet  some  of  their  fellow  countrymen  over  here,  for 
it  is  quite  un-British  to  be  a  bounder,  and  it  is  quite 
un-Christian  to  be  a  snob.  Which  is  a  strange  fact, 
but  true  nevertheless :  yet,  who  would  suspect  it. 


182  OVER  HERE 

I  used  to  think  that  an  American  was  a  hasty 
person,  constantly  talking  about  the  finest  thing  on 
the  earth,  which  he  deemed  everything  American  to 
be;  that  his  wife  was  a  competent,  rather  forward 
person,  who  delighted  to  show  her  liberty  by  upset 
ting  our  old  notions  of  propriety.  I  have  often  heard 
people  telling  the  story  of  the  American  lady  who 
thought  it  funny  to  blow  out  some  sacred  light  that 
had  never  been  extinguished  for  centuries — and  all 
that  sort  of  thing.  In  fact,  anything  outrageous 
done  in  England  or  on  the  continent  by  a  woman  is 
at  once  put  down  to  an  American.  We  had  some 
charming  specimens  of  Britons  on  the  continent  in 
the  days  of  peace. 

And  yet  we  sincerely  like  the  American  people. 
We  don't  mean  to  run  them  down  really,  but  we  assume 
a  superior  air  that  must  be  perfectly  awful.  I  have 
been  just  as  guilty.  I  remember  feeling  quite  faint  at 
St.  John's  College,  Oxford,  where  they  seemed  to  have 
the  unpleasant  habit  of  breakfasting  in  hall,  when  I 
heard  two  Rhodes'  scholars  talking.  They  were  very 
friendly  to  the  waiters,  who  hated  it,  and  their  accent 
disgusted  me.  They  seemed  isolated,  too.  At  the 
moment,  having  lived  for  a  year  in  America,  I  won 
der  how  on  earth  one's  attitude  could  have  been  such. 
Frankly,  there  seems  no  excuse :  it  is  merely  rude  and 
unpardonable.  Still,  perfectly  nice  people  have  this 
attitude.  I  wish  that  we  could  change,  because  the 


A  PREMATURE  183 

effect  over  here  is  most  regrettable.  One  would  like 
the  Americans  to  know  us  at  our  best,  because  we  are 
not  really  an  unpleasant  people. 

Of  course,  the  sloppy  individual  seeking  a  fortune 
arrives  "  over  here "  and  burns  incense  to  the 
"  Yankees,"  as  he  calls  them,  but  they  are  not  de 
ceived.  Some  of  us  used  to  look  upon  the  folk  over 
here  as  fair  game.  All  Americans  are  hospitable, 
even  the  very  poor,  and  a  stray  Englishman  comes  in 
for  his  share  of  kindness.  But  he  invariably  assumes 
a  superior  attitude,  although  unconsciously. 

The  American  people  have  mostly  been  with  us 
all  along  in  our  efforts  to  fight  the  Germans.  The 
well  educated  people  definitely  like  us,  but  the  great 
mass  just  don't.  The  Irish  element  hates  us,  or  poses 
that  way.  People  don't  know  this. 

In  England  we  don't  seem  to  realize  the  Irish 
question.  We  regard  the  Irish  as  a  delightful  and 
amusing  people.  Most  of  our  serious  experience  has 
been  with  the  Irish  gentry,  really  English  and  Scotch, 
who  through  years  have  assumed  the  delightful  man 
nerisms  of  the  people  with  whom  they  have  lived.  We 
also  shoot  and  hunt  with  the  real  Irishman  and  find 
him  delightful  and  romantic.  His  wonderful  lies  and 
flattery  please  us,  but  we  don't  for  a  single  instant 
take  him  seriously.  The  great  mass  of  people  here 
think  that  we  ill-treat  the  Irish.  This  is  interesting. 
An  Irishman  arrives  here  and  finds  wonderful  oppor- 


184  OVER  HERE 

tunities  for  expansion,  and  glorious  opportunities  to 
fight.  He  compares  his  present  life  with  that  of  his 
former  and  the  former  looks  black  and  horrible.  An 
Englishman  and  a  Scotchman  of  the  same  class  feel 
the  same  way.  The  Irishman  having  been  brought  up 
on  "  Irish  wrongs  "  blames  the  English  for  his  past 
discomfort.  I  have  heard  fairly  intelligent  people 
speaking  of  Irish  wrongs,  but  when  asked  in  what  way 
the  Irish  treatment  differs  from  that  meted  out  to  the 
average  Englishman  they  are  unable  to  answer.  The 
thing  seems  a  little  bit  involved. 

During  this  time  of  war  there  have  been,  of 
course,  large  numbers  of  Englishmen  over  here  on 
duty.  Their  attitude  varies  a  little,  but  on  the  whole, 
it  is  a  little  difficult  to  understand.  Lieutenant  Jones 
arrives,  having  been  badly  wounded  and  is  unfit  for 
further  service.  The  folk  here  at  once  give  him  a 
wonderful  time.  They  listen  to  his  words  and  enter 
tain  him  very  much.  So  much  incense  is  burnt  to  him 
that  his  head  becomes  pardonably  swelled.  Repre 
senting  his  government  and  the  buyer  of  huge  sup 
plies  he  has  interviews  with  great  men,  who  treat  him 
with  vast  respect.  They  ask  him  to  spend  week-ends 
at  their  houses. 

The  great  captain  of  industry  has  risen  to  his 
present  position  by  one  of  two  things — either  by 
brutal  efficiency,  or  by  terrific  personality,  but  mostly 
the  latter.  The  subaltern  finds  him  charming  and, 


A  PREMATURE  185 

mark  you,  very  humble.  Temporary  Lieutenant 
Smith  likes  the  Americans. 

Millionaires  and  multi-millionaires  are  often  his 
companions.  He  is  receiving,  possibly,  three  hundred 
dollars  a  month,  but  he  seldom  has  to  entertain  him 
self.  Familiarity  breeds  contempt,  and  he  feels  that 
he  himself  ought  really  to  be  a  millionaire.  His  ad 
vice  is  often  taken  and  a  certain  contempt  for  the 
intelligence  of  his  friends  creeps  into  his  mind.  He 
thinks  of  after-the-war  days  and  he  endeavours  to  lay 
plans.  He  perhaps  lets  a  few  friends  know  that  he 
wants  a  job  after  the  war,  though  I  have  not  heard  of 
any  one  seeking  a  millionaire's  daughter. 

Now  arrives  plain  Mr.  Jones  who  has  not  been  to 
the  front.  American  society  tries  him  out,  and,  find 
ing  him  wanting,  to  his  astonishment  drops  him.  In 
American  society  you  must  have  something  to  recom 
mend  you.  You  must  amuse  and  interest.  The  mere 
fact  of  your  being  a  representative  of  Great  Britain 
won't  save  you.  You  must  also  be  a  gentleman  and 
behave  accordingly.  If  you  even  think  that  the 
American  people  are  rather  inferior  and  a  little  awful 
you  are  done.  I  know  several  British  people  in 
America  who  are  not  known  in  polite  society,  and  who 
seem  to  have  fallen  back  upon  their  Britishness  and 
spend  diverting  hours  discussing  the  "  damn  Yan 
kees."  That  is,  of  course,  the  whole  trouble.  People 
never  seem  to  realize  that  the  tongue  is  not  the 


186  OVER  HERE 

only  method  of  communication.  Our  feelings  can  be 
communicated  without  a  word  spoken.  So  some  of  us 
over  here  talk  fairly  and  courteously  to  the  Ameri 
can  people,  while  regarding  them  as  something  a  little 
terrible  and  quite  impossible  socially.  Our  hosts  real 
ise  this  at  once  and  like  children  they  are  fearfully 
sensitive.  It  either  amuses  them  or  makes  them 
furious,  generally  the  former. 

When  we  visit  France  or  Spain  and  endeavour  to 
learn  the  language  of  either  country,  we  regard  our 
selves  as  peculiarly  clever  persons  if  we  can  manage 
to  cultivate  the  French  or  Spanish  idioms  and  man 
ners.  We  even  return  to  England  and  affect  them  a 
little,  in  order  that  people  may  see  that  we  are 
travelled  persons.  Imitation  is  the  sincerest  form  of 
flattery,  I  suppose;  but  never  do  we  imitate  the 
Americans,  or  even  affect  their  manners  while  here. 
To  illustrate.  In  Bethlehem,  and  indeed  in  other 
parts  of  America,  it  is  de  rigeur  to  say  that  you  are 
pleased  to  meet  a  person  when  introduced.  It  is  done 
by  the  best  people.  In  England,  a  person  who  says  he 
is  pleased  to  meet  you  is  suspected  of  having  some 
ulterior  motive.  It  is  not  done. 

I  spent  a  happy  day  in  Washington  with  some 
members  of  the  Balfour  mission  and  I  noticed  that 
one  fellow,  an  Oxford  Don,  invariably  said  when  in 
troduced  to  American  people :  "  I'm  very  pleased  to 
meet  you."  He  explained  that  it  was  the  custom  of 


AJPREMATURE  187 

the  country  and  had  to  be  followed.  It  is  not  wonder 
ful  that  one  noticed  how  well  these  fellows  got  on  with 
the  folk  here. 

Americans  have  a  profound  dislike  for  gossip. 
They  seldom  "  crab  "  people.  Of  course,  a  conversa 
tion  is  never  so  interesting  as  when  someone's  reputa 
tion  is  getting  smashed  to  pieces,  but  this  is  not  done 
here.  If  a  party  of  British  people  with  their  wives 
(and  emphasis  is  laid  on  the  wives)  get  together  there 
are  sure  to  be  some  interesting  happenings.  Each 
wife  will  criticise  the  other  wife  and  generally  there 
will  be  a  certain  amount  that  is  unpleasant.  In  Eng 
land  we  understand  this,  and  expect  it.  The  picture 
of  people  of  the  same  blood  squabbling  together  in  a 
foreign  country  is  quite  diverting  and  interesting  to 
Americans.  One  English  woman  will  criticise  another 
English  woman,  and  will  do  so  to  an  American  who 
promptly  tells  her  friends.  I  have  heard  some  very 
interesting  tales. 

Frankly,  my  fellow  countrymen  have  shown  me 
many  wonderful  qualities  amongst  our  cousins,  and  I 
have  realized  a  big  thing.  The  American  people  must 
get  to  know  us  and  they  must  get  to  like  us.  I  wonder 
if  we  shall  bother  to  like  them? 


XV 

"BON   FOR   YOU:   NO   BON   FOR  ME" 

I  GET  slightly  annoyed  with  the  newspapers  and 
indeed  with  some  of  my  friends  orer  here  when  they 
pass  rude  remarks  about  the  King  of  England.  The 
people  don't  seem  to  understand  why  we  keep  a  king 
and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  They  all  admit  that  the 
British  Empire  is  a  successful  organization,  but  they 
cannot  quite  see  that  an  empire  must  have  an  em 
peror.  When  one  thinks  of  India  without  its  em 
peror  !  Still  the  point  is  that  the  majority  of  British 
citizens  of  every  colour  prefer  to  have  a  king  and  that 
is  all  there  is  about  it. 

When  the  news  of  the  Russian  revolution  broke 
upon  the  world,  people  of  this  country  commenced  to 
discuss  the  possibility  of  similar  occurrences  in  other 
European  countries.  It  was  said  by  some  that  Ger 
many  and  Austria-Hungary  would  soon  follow  suit, 
and  that  even  England  would  give  up  her  childish, 
through  ornamental  practice  of  having  kings  in  golden 
crowns,  and  noble  lords  riding  in  stately  carriages. 
In  other  words,  the  rest  of  the  world,  realizing  the 
advantages  of  the  United  States  form  of  government, 
would  sooner  or  later  have  revolutions  of  more  or  less 
ferocity  and  change  into  republics.  And  it  is  easy 
188 


BON  FOR  YOU:  NO  BON  FOR  ME  189 

to  understand  this.  A  monarchy  seems  totally 
opposed  to  common  sense. 

It  was  very  interesting  to  see  the  remarks  in  the 
newspapers  of  this  country  when  his  Majesty  King 
George  of  England  attended  the  service  in  St.  Paul's, 
London,  on  America's  Day. 

They  were  kindly,  of  course,  as  befits  the  American 
characteristic  of  kindliness.  One  paper  likened  the 
king  to  a  national  flag  which  England  kept  as  an 
interesting  antique.  He  was  also  described  as  an 
"  Emblem  of  Unity,"  whatever  that  may  mean.  One 
leading  New  York  paper,  in  saying  that  England  was 
doing  very  well  as  she  is  in  that  she  is  keeping 
the  flame  of  democracy  burning,  remarked  that 
"  George's  "  sole  contribution  to  the  war  was  the 
banishment  of  wine  from  his  table.  I  suppose  the 
writer  of  this  article  must  be  intimately  acquainted 
with  the  king  when  he  can  call  him  by  his  Christian 
name.  Always  Americans  seem  to  think  that  Great 
Britain  is  a  democracy  in  spite  of  the  monarchy.  We 
of  Great  Britain  know  that  she  is  a  democracy  and 
a  great  empire  because  of  the  monarchy.  Some  day 
America  will  realize  more  fully  that  the  things  of  the 
spirit  are  greater  than  the  things  of  the  flesh.  Then 
she  will  understand  why  we  love  our  King;  and  do 
you  know,  we  do  love  him  quite  a  lot. 

I  am  going  to  try  to  explain,  a  difficult  task,  why 
a  monarchy  is  for  us  the  most  effective  form  of  gov- 


190  OVER  HERE 

eminent.  A  nation  is,  I  suppose,  a  group  of  persons 
bound  together  for  self-preservation.  In  order  to 
make  self-preservation  effective  it  is  essential  that 
there  should  be  unity  and  contentment.  In  England, 
where  there  is  really  a  surplus  population,  this  is  diffi 
cult.  So  a  government  will  take  into  consideration 
all  the  needs  of  the  people  over  whom  it  is  placed. 
Nothing  must  be  forgotten,  or  sooner  or  later  there 
will  be  trouble.  With  us  the  task  is  a  difficult  one. 
With  her  vast  empire  it  is  marvellous  how  Great  Brit 
ain  succeeds.  She  succeeds  because  she  realizes  that 
men  will  follow  the  dictates  of  their  hearts  rather 
than  their  minds.  The  world  was  astonished  when  at 
the  hour  of  her  need  men  of  every  color  came  from 
every  corner  of  the  earth  to  give  if  necessary  their 
lives  for  the  empire  because  they  loved  it  so  dearly. 
The  things  of  the  spirit  are  greater  than  the  things 
of  the  flesh.  Our  monarchy  is  really  a  thing  of  the 
spirit.  Take  it  away  from  us  and  surely  you  will 
see  the  British  Empire  crumble  and  decay.  The  world 
would  be  poorer  then.  We  Britons  have  irritating 
faults ;  of  course  we  have.  Our  insular  snobbishness 
must  be  very  irritating  to  American  people.  Still  we 
try  to  be  fair  and  just  in  our  muddling  way.  God 
knows  we  have  done  some  rather  curious  things  at 
times.  They  say  we  were  atrocious  to  the  Boers,  yet 
the  Boers  to-day  are  loyal  to  the  empire  of  which  they 
are  now  an  important  part.  We  don't  force  this 
loyalty;  it  just  grows. 


BON  FOR  YOU:   NO  BON  FOR  ME    191 

So  we  British  beg  of  the  American  people  not  to 
suggest  taking  our  king  from  us.  It  is  difficult  to 
explain  this  patriotism  which  produces  such  results ; 
but  go  to  New  Zealand  and  you  will  find  that  it  is 
the  boast,  and  the  proud  boast  of  many,  that  they 
have  seen  the  king.  Go  to  Australia,  where  the  work 
ing  man  rules  the  country,  and  hear  the  national  an 
them  played,  or  watch  the  flag  being  saluted  in  the 
schools,  and  if  you  are  courageous  pass  a  rude 
remark  about  the  king.  Go  to  any  part  of  the 
empire,  and  you  will  find  something  inexplicable, 
something  unexplainable,  which  always  points  to 
Buckingham  Palace  and  the  little  man  there.  Ameri 
cans  look  upon  this  with  good-natured  condescension. 
I  wonder  why?  It  is  not  far  to  Canada,  but  you  will 
find  it  there,  too,  where  they  ought  to  be  more  en 
lightened  since  they  live  next  to  the  greatest  republic. 
Always  is  it  the  empire,  and  always  is  "  God  save 
the  King  "  the  prayer  of  the  people.  Perhaps  we  are 
a  little  bit  mad,  we  British,  but  I  daresay  we  will 
continue  being  mad,  since  madness  binds  together  a 
mighty  throng  of  people  who  in  perhaps  a  poor  sort 
of  way  stand  for  fairness  and  decency.  We  all  know 
how  much  of  the  child  remains  in  us,  even  when  we 
are  old.  We  look  back  to  the  days  when  we  believed 
in  fairies,  and  sometimes  when  we  are  telling  stories 
to  our  children  we  let  our  imagination  have  full  play, 
and  gnomes  and  fairies  and  even  kings  and  princesses 
once  more  people  our  minds. 


192  OVER  HERE 

Is  there  anything  more  obnoxious  than  a  child 
who  refuses  to  believe  in  fairies  or  who  is  not  thrilled 
at  Christmas  time  at  the  approaching  visit  of  Santa 
Glaus?  He  misses  so  much.  He  hasn't  got  that 
foundation  to  his  mind  that  will  make  life  bearable 
when  responsibility  brings  its  attendant  troubles. 
Take  away  our  monarchy  and  we  Britons  become  like 
children  who  don't  believe  in  fairies.  We  won't  know 
what  to  do.  The  monarchy  supplies  a  wonderful 
need  to  us. 

There  is  also  a  more  practical  reason  for  the 
retention  of  the  monarchy.  We  hold  that  a  consti 
tutional  monarch  is  necessary  to  a  properly  decentral 
ized  form  of  government.  Party  politics  reign 
supreme  in  England.  The  government  passes  a  bill 
amidst  the  howls  of  the  opposition  party  and  the 
opposition  press.  Then  the  bill  is  taken  to  the  King 
and  he  has  the  right  to  veto  it.  He  knows,  however, 
that  he  must  rule  in  accordance  with  the  wishes  of  his 
people,  and  so  the  bill  receives  the  royal  signature 
and  becomes  law.  A  subtle  change  occurs.  The 
press,  wonderfully  powerful  in  England,  becomes  less 
bitter  and  the  opposition  ceases  to  rage  a  little.  Soon 
the  law  settles  down  into  its  right  place.  So  the 
king's  signature  is  effective  in  that  it  makes  the 
issuing  of  a  new  law  gentler  and  sweeter. 

Is  it  not  true  that  a  king  of  great  personality  can 
have  tremendous  power  for  good?  Most  people 
recognize  now  the  power  of  our  late  King  Edward, 


BON  FOR  YOU:    NO  BON  FOR  ME    193 

some  know  the  influence  of  our  present  monarch.  All 
through  this  present  war  we  feel  that  the  king  is 
sharing  our  troubles  and  suffering.  You  know  we 
are  suffering  awfully  in  Great  Britain.  Even  our 
insular  snobbishness  does  not  help  us  a  bit.  It  seems 
to  have  gone  somehow. 

The  king  is  a  gentleman,  and  can't  possibly  adver 
tise  himself,  but  it  is  true  that  very  little  goes  on 
without  his  knowing  all  about  it.  He  has  been  work 
ing  hard  reviewing  troops,  visiting  the  sick  and 
wounded,  helping  in  a  thousand  ways.  Then  he  is  so 
fine  in  his  encouragement  of  individuals.  A  few 
words  from  him  to  a  keen  officer  helps  that  officer  for 
the  rest  of  his  life. 

And  so  the  king  sweetens  our  national  life.  We 
love  him ;  of  course  we  do,  and  we  can't  help  it.  Pos 
sibly  we  are  fools,  but  we  glory  in  our  foolishness. 

A  young  English  officer  received  the  D.  S.  O.  and 
the  Military  Cross  and  finally  died  at  Loos,  getting 
the  V.  C.  He,  of  course,  went  to  the  palace  to  receive 
both  the  D.  S.  O.  and  the  Military  Cross.  His  father, 
an  old  man  with  snowy  white  hair,  went  to  get  the 
V.  C.  The  king  gave  him  the  medal  with  a  few  con 
ventional  words,  and  then,  while  shaking  hands,  whis 
pered  to  the  old  man  to  remain.  The  king,  upon 
finishing  the  distribution  of  medals,  took  the  father 
into  an  anteroom  and  then  said  very  quietly :  "  I  say, 

Mr.  K ,  I  am  awfully  sorry  for  you !  I've  been 

interested  in  this  boy  of  ours  and  remember  him 
13 


194  OVER  HERE 

well."  Then  the  old  man  sat  down  and  told  the  king 
all  about  his  son,  and  went  away  comforted  greatly 
and  very  proud  of  his  son. 

This  is  just  a  little  thing,  but  it  is  the  kind  of 
thing  that  supplies  our  need. 

You  know  we  don't  want  a  republic.  Why  should 
we  have  one  ?  We  have  a  king. 

If  American  people  want  to  understand  us  they 
must  take  this  into  account.  When  they  talk  in  terms 
of  good-natured  deprecation  of  our  king  it  hurts. 
I  once  spent  a  week-end  with  one  of  the  greatest  men 
in  this  country  and  was  surprised  to  hear  him  praising 
the  monarchy  merely  from  a  business  point  of  view, 
and  he  knew  what  he  was  talking  about.  He  had 
wandered  around  London  listening  to  the  people  talk 
and  had  studied  the  whole  thing  from  the  coldly  comr- 
mercial  side.  Perhaps  I  am  talking  from  an  idealistic 
point  of  view,  and  yet  my  life  spent  in  many  parts  of 
the  world  has  been  a  practical  one.  It  is,  of  course, 
quite  possible  that  the  world's  civilization  may  col 
lapse  and  fall  to  pieces  for  a  season.  Human  passions 
are  queer  things;  the  cruel  spirit  of  the  mob  still 
exists,  and  it  only  becomes  rampant  where  the  things 
of  the  flesh  have  become  greater  than  the  things  of 
the  spirit.  This  war  has  made  us  suffer  so  much 
that  in  spite  of  cheery  optimism  we  are  almost  be 
numbed  in  Great  Britain.  I  was  in  a  large  division 
that  was  reviewed  by  the  king  on  Salisbury  Plain 


BON  FOR  YOU:  NO  BON  FOR  ME  195 

the  day  before  embarkation,  and  as  we  marched  past 
the  king  on  his  pretty  black  Arab  he  looked  at  each 
one  of  us  with  that  humble  expression  of  a  father 
looking  upon  his  son,  and  through  many  weary 
months  in  France  and  Flanders  that  look  was  with 
us,  and  it  helped  and  encouraged.  Even  my  big 
charger  seemed  to  know  that  the  king  was  inspecting 
him,  for  he  kept  time  to  the  march  from  "  Scipio," 
and  we  gave  the  very  best  salute  we  could  muster  up. 
Possibly  none  of  the  men  of  that  division  are  together 
to-day. 

The  king  saw  more  than  one  mighty  throng  of 
cheery  men  marching  so  gayly  over  the  beautiful  plain 
of  Salisbury.  He  saw  those  men,  young  and  beauti 
ful,  for  they  were  of  the  first  hundred  thousand, 
going  out  to  face  the  disciplined  German  army.  He 
saw  them  spending  fearful  days  and  awful  nights 
in  the  trenches,  being  fired  at  and  having  little  am 
munition  to  return  the  fire.  He  saw  the  first  casualty 
lists  coming  out  and  realised  the  suffering  that  he 
would  share  with  many  a  mother,  father  and  sweet 
heart.  Yet  he  was  proud  to  be  King  of  England  that 
day,  and  we  were  proud  of  him  as  our  king.  We 
couldn't  possibly  be  proud  of  a  president.  We  are 
fearful  snobs  in  England  arid  the  biggest  snobs  among 
us  are  the  working  classes.  We  of  England  admire 
the  United  States  form  of  government.  At  present  it 
seems  the  right  thing  over  here.  It  would  never  do 
for  us. 


XVI 

A  NAVAL  VICTORY 

October,  1917. 

I  WENT  to  Philadelphia  the  other  day,  and  putting 

up  at  the  hotel  at  once  called  up  M ,  who  said 

that  as  she  was  a  member  of  the  Motor  Messenger 
Corps  it  behooved  her  to  show  herself  at  a  large 
meeting  that  Corps  had  decided  to  arrange  for  get 
ting  recruits  for  the  Navy.  She  said  that  she  had  a 
box;  so  I  suggested  delicately  that  I  might  help  her 
to  occupy  the  said  box.  Nothing  would  give  her 
greater  pleasure,  but  as  she  had  several  girls  with  her, 
she  suggested  that  I  might  feel  awkward  unless  she 
got  another  man.  Having  assured  her  that,  on  the 
contrary,  nothing  woud  give  me  greater  pleasure,  I 
was  then  asked  to  accompany  her,  so  at  eight  o'clock, 
dressed  in  a  strange  imitation  of  a  badly  turned  out 
British  officer,  she  dashed  up  in  her  Henry  Ford  and 
took  me  to  the  demonstration. 

The  box  was  well  exposed  and  there  I  sat  with 
two  ladies,  disguised  as  officers,  in  the  front  seats, 
and  two  more  behind.  There  were  several  hundred 
blue  jackets  decorating  the  stage,  all  armed  with  in 
struments,  and  the  programme  stated  that  the  said 
blue  j  ackets  were  the  band  of  Sousa, 
196 


A  NAVAL  VICTORY  197 

Dressed  in  the  uniform  of  a  lieutenant  in  the 
U.  S.  Navy  the  great  conductor  marched  on  to  the 
stage,  bowed  to  the  audience  a  little,  mounted  a  stand, 
gave  one  beat,  and  Hey  Presto!  off  went  the  band. 
Of  course  it  was  wonderful,  made  even  more  thrilling 
by  the  dress  of  the  performers. 

He  played  piece  after  piece  and  then  a  gentleman 
in  evening  dress  walked  on  followed  by  a  rather  ner 
vous  looking  Admiral  of  the  British  Navy.  The 
gentleman  promptly  commenced  to  eulogize  the  Ad 
miral,  who  must  have  felt  rather  terrible,  but  he 
stepped  forward,  Sousa  meanwhile  breaking  into  "God 
Save  the  King."  The  Admiral  commenced.  He  was 
obviously  nervous ;  however,  his  lack  of  power  as  an 
orator  was  very  effective,  and  he  spoke  a  little  about 
destroyers,  and  then  stopped.  Sousa  then  played, 
rather  too  quickly  and  without  much  feeling,  "  Rule 
Britannia."  I  felt  militantly  British  and  was  very 
proud  of  the  Admiral's  entire  lack  of  oratorical  power. 

We  had  some  more  wonderful  music  from  Sousa 
and  after  some  flattering  remarks  from  the  gentle 
man  in  evening  dress,  General  W stepped  for 
ward  and  said  a  few  well  chosen  words.  They  were 
very  effective  and  to  the  point.  He  looked  every  inch 
a  soldier,  and  was  faultlessly  turned  out :  we  all  liked 
him.  After  that  we  had  some  more  music  and  then 
the  gentleman  in  evening  dress  with  more  complimen 
tary  remarks  ushered  in  a  man  dressed  as  a  British 


198  OVER  HERE 

officer  in  "  slacks  "  which  did  not  fit  well.  He  was 
a  tall  youth  with  a  very  good  looking  face,  brown 
curly  hair,  and  an  engaging  smile  showing  a  set  of 
good  teeth.  The  gentleman  in  evening  dress  com 
menced,  as  we  thought  then,  to  torture  himi  about  his 
gallantry  in  action  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  and 
then  the  officer  started. 

He  said  some  big  things.  He  remarked  that  he 
had  heard  it  said  in  America  that  the  British  were 
using  Colonial  troops  to  shield  their  own  men.  Inci 
dentally  I  have  often  heard  this  said,  but  anxiously, 
as  though  the  speaker  could  not  believe  it  but  wanted 
to  be  reassured.  I  have  always  laughed  at  this  state 
ment  and  remarked  that  to  use  one  man  to  shield  ten 
or  twelve  was  too  difficult  a  proposition  for  the 
"  powers  that  be  "  in  England.  To  deny  it  on  my 
part,  as  a  British  officer,  seemed  too  ridiculous ;  be 
sides,  the  whole  thing  is  so  obviously  German 
propaganda. 

However,  I  was  interested  to  hear  how  this  Aus 
tralian  chap  would  deal  with  the  thing,  so  I  listened 
carefully.  He  went  on  to  explain  what  he  had  heard 
and  then  said,  "  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  as  an  Aus 
tralian  officer,  I  want  to  tell  you  that  it  is  a  Damned 
Lie."  He  brought  the  thing  out  with  much  feeling. 
He  then  endeavoured  to  explain  the  Gallipoli  cam 
paign  and  denied  its  being  a  failure. 

A  little  blood  commenced  to  flow  about  the  stage 


A  NAVAL  VICTORY  199 

at  this  time  and  he  was  getting  worked  up.  I  have 
heard  similar  oratory  in  Sydney.  Perhaps  he  was 
getting  too  eloquent,  but  he  had  the  crowd  with  him, 
and  I  know  that  quite  a  number  of  young  ladies  felt 
cold  shivers  down  their  spinal  columns. 

He  said  in  stirring  phrases  that  Australia  and 
the  Australians  were  not  in  any  way  annoyed  with 
the  home  government  about  the  Gallipoli  business. 
They  ought  to  be  a  little,  it  seemed  to  me,  but  I  was 
thrilled  by  his  loyalty  to  the  homeland.  He  then  con 
vinced  us  all  of  the  wonderful  discipline  prevailing 
in  the  Australian  army.  I  am  sure  that  he  helped 
us.  The  American  people  liked  to  hear  about  Aus 
tralia,  and  were  glad  to  hear  that  we  British  were 
not  poltroons.  The  few  of  us  there  felt  proud  to 
have  such  a  fellow  standing  up  for  us,  and  even  we 
were  a  little  thrilled  by  the  gory  stories  that  he  told. 
He  certainly  dismissed  from  the  minds  of  those  pres 
ent  any  idea  of  a  breaking  up  of  the  British  Empire. 

So  far  he  had  spoken  wonderfully,  but  after  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour  he  waxed  very  eloquent  and, 
throwing  out  his  arms,  he  commenced  using  just  a 
little  too  often  the  words  "  Men  and  Women  of 
America,"  smiling  sadly  the  while  and  getting  a 
little  like  a  parson. 

He  now  attacked  the  pacifists  in  that  clever  and 
abusive  way  which  I  have  only  heard  once  before, 
when  the  editor  of  a  flamboyant  Sydney  paper  gave 


200  OVER  HERE 

a  lecture  in  the  old  City  Hall  at  Auckland.  The  said 
editor  being  rather  a  noted  character,  the  mayor  had 
refused  to  occupy  the  chair,  and  he  was  abused  im 
personally,  but  viciously  and  cleverly.  In  like  man 
ner,  the  pacificists  in  Philadelphia  were  called  "  pes 
tiferous  insects  "  a  rather  unpleasant  sounding  term 
and  hardly  descriptive.  I  wish  that  he  hadn't  used 
that  phrase.  Still  he  was  effective  and  I  am  certain 
did  a  great  deal  of  good. 

I  have  one  complaint  to  make,  however.  This 
Australian  seemed  to  express  a  terrific  hate  for  the 
Germans  and  spoke  about  their  atrocities.  He  men 
tioned  seeing  men  lying  dead  in  No  Man's  Land  until 
their  eyes  were  eaten  out  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
He  grew  furious  with  the  Boche,  and  carried  the 
audience  with  him.  He  spoke  of  women  getting 
"  desecrated."  Groans  and  angry  mutterings  could 
be  heard  throughout  the  hall  and  I  awoke  to  the 
strange  fact  that  a  British  officer  was  sowing  in 
America  a  feeling  of  savage  hatred  towards  the 
Germans  and  succeeding.  One  thought  of  Punch's 
picture  depicting  a  German  family  enjoying  their 
morning  hate.  Perhaps  you  will  say  "  And  why  not, 
the  blighters."  Perhaps  he  was  waking  up  the  coun 
try  a  little  and  was  quite  right,  but  the  thing  inter 
ested  me  and  I  wondered. 

Isn't  it  true  that  we  are  fighting  Germany  because 
she  is  a  hater?  Isn't  it  true  that  Germany  has  been 


A  NAVAL  VICTORY  201 

guilty  of  such  filthiness  that  she  is  slowly  but  surely 
cutting  her  own  throat?  Isn't  it  a  fact  that  we  have 
always  tried  to  fight  clean,  no  matter  what  our  enemy 
may  be  like?  Isn't  it  true  that  Uncle  Sam  came  into 
this  war  really  because  of  the  sinking  of  the  Lusitania 
and  the  fact  that  the  Germans  were  such  blighters 
in  Belgium?  Isn't  it  true  that  in  warfare,  to  be 
successful,  you  must  be  cool  and  calm  and  steady? 
Isn't  it  true  that,  in  boxing,  the  chap  who  loses  his 
temper  runs  some  awful  risks  ?  In  a  word,  don't  you 
think  the  Germans  are  getting  licked  badly  because 
of  their  futile  and  mad  hatred? 

I  know  you  can't  stop  the  men  from  seeing  red 
in  an  attack.  It  helps  them  a  little  and  makes  them 
better  fighters,  but  it  is  really  a  form  of  Dutch  cour 
age.  I  want  to  see  America  going  into  this  war  as 
the  champion  of  manliness,  decency,  purity,  goodness, 
— all  that  sort  of  thing.  She  is  bound  to  hate  a  little. 
She'll  catch  that  disease  quick  enough  from  the  Boche, 
but  if  she  learns  to  hate  as  the  German's  hate,  she  is 
beaten,  licked  to  pieces,  no  matter  what  the  issue  of 
the  war  may  be. 

As  you  know,  I  spent  the  best  part  of  a  year  in 
France  and  Belgium,  and  I  can  honestly  say  that  dur 
ing  that  time  I  never  saw  hate  displayed,  except 
towards  the  supply  people  who  wouldn't  believe  in  our 
"  strafed  "  cycles.  I  have  heard  of  Tommies  get 
ting  furious  and  the  officers  who  have  told  me  have 


202  OVER  HERE 

spoken  about  it  as  a  little  amusing,  but  they  don't 
seem  to  have  felt  it  themselves  at  all.  I  had  a  bedroom 
in  a  billet  next  to  a  kitchen  where  Mr.  Thomas  Atkins 
used  to  take  his  refreshment,  and  I  have  heard  some 
wonderful  stories,  a  little  lurid ;  but  quite  often  I  have 
heard  Fritz  admired. 

I  remember  one  day  during  the  battle  of  Loos 
chatting  to  the  Major,  while  awaiting  orders  to  fire, 
and  regretting  that  our  men  should  get  atrocious, 
as  I  had  heard  they  were.  The  Major,  an  old  cam 
paigner,  out  with  the  original  expeditionary  force, 
smiled  a  little,  but  merely  observed  that  it  was  very 
natural. 

Past  our  battery  position  there  was  passing  a 
few  prisoners  and  a  procession  of  wounded — but 
mostly  "  blighties  " ;  and  I  saw  one  sergeant  with  a 
German  helmet.  I  wanted  to  buy  it  as  a  "  prop  "  for 
lurid  stories  on  leave,  so  went  over  to  him.  He  had 
four  bloody  grooves  down  his  face,  and  he  told  me  that 
ho  had  had  a  hand-to-hand  fight.  He  seemed  a  nice 
chap,  and  he  described  the  combat,  in  which  he  had 
evidently  been  getting  the  worst  of  it,  for  the  four 
grooves  were  nail  marks  from  the  German.  For 
tunately  he  got  his  bayonet.  "  And  you  killed  him," 
I  broke  in.  "  Oh  no,  sir,"  he  replied;  "  I  just  gave 
him  a  dig  and  the  Red  Cross  people  have  got  him  now. 
There  he  is,  sir,  I  think," — as  a  German  prisoner, 
lying  on  a  stretcher  and  smoking  a  woodbine  went  by. 
I  returned  without  the  helmet  and  told  the  story  to 


A  NAVAL  VICTORY  203 

the  major,  and  he  said,  "  Oh  no;  I  shouldn't  believe 
all  you  hear  about  Tommy  Atkins." 

Perhaps  our  men  have  got  nasty  and  very  furious 
with  the  Boche.  One  can  hardly  blame  them.  I  am 
willing  to  believe  that  sometimes  when  the  Germans 
have  done  dirty  tricks  with  our  prisoners  revenge  has 
been  taken,  but  I  just  don't  believe  for  a  single  instant 
that  the  chaps  I  knew  and  loved  in  France  could 
behave  in  any  way  but  as  decent,  hard  fighting,  hard 
swearing,  good  natured  fellows.  I  don't  believe 
either,  and  no  one  I  knew  in  France  during  my  year 
there  believed,  that  the  Boche  were  always  dirty  in 
their  tricks,  though  I  will  admit  that  they  show  up 
badly  as  sportsmen. 

Frankly,  I  want  to  see  this  country  putting  every 
ounce  of  power  into  the  combat.  I  want  them  to 
realize  fully  that  Germany  requires  a  lot  of  beating. 
I  want  them  to  know  that  a  victorious  Germany  would 
be  a  menace  to  the  liberty  of  the  world,  and  all  the 
other  things  that  the  newspapers  say. 

But  I  dislike  intensely  this  savage  hate  propa 
ganda  that  is  being  affected  here.  It  is  stupid, 
useless  and  dangerous.  Didn't  some  philosopher  say 
that  if  he  wanted  to  punish  a  man  he  would  teach 
him  how  to  hate.  The  Germans  deserve  it ;  of  course 
they  do,  but  we  must  be  stronger  than  they.  Also, 
you  cannot  exterminate  them,  unfortunately,  so  you 
have  got  to  try  to  make  them  decent,  by  some  means 
or  other.  A  famous  member  of  my  clan,  David 


204  OVER  HERE 

Livingstone,  went  about  amongst  the  most  savage 
tribes  of  Africa,  unharmed  and  unarmed.  It  was 
just  because  of  the  love  that  emanated  from  him. 
I  fear  it  will  be  difficult  to  like  the  Germans  very  much 
after  all  they  have  done,  but  we  Britons  must  not 
let  Uncle  Sam  think  for  an  instant  that  we  have 
learnt  from  the  Germans  how  to  hate  in  their  own 
commonplace  savage  way.  Of  course  it  is  not  true. 
We  have  a  sense  of  humour  and  the  Americans 
have  a  wonderful  sense  of  fun,  and  these  two  things 
cannot  walk  together  with  that  stupid,  vulgar  thing 
called  hate. 

The  other  night  I  had  to  speak  at  a  club  meeting. 
There  was  an  infantry  officer  there,  and  I  felt  that 
for  a  gunner  to  talk  of  the  discomforts  of  war  in 
the  presence  of  an  infantry  officer  would  be  a  little 
humorous.  However,  these  fellows  wanted  thrills,  so 
I  tried  to  give  them  some,  though,  as  you  know,  war 
fare  is  a  commonplace  amusement  mostly,  and  if  one 
is  limited  by  facts,  it  is  difficult  to  thrill  an  audience. 

The  infantry  officer  spoke  afterwards.  It  was 
very  thrilling.  He  told  me  seriously  later  on  in  my 
rooms  that  he  was  a  godson  of  Nurse  Cavill,  that 
he  had  seen  the  Canadians  crucified,  that  he  had 
walked  along  the  top  of  the  parapet  for  half  a  mile 
with  a  machine-gun  playing  on  him  in  the  moonlight, 
that  he  enjoyed  patrols  and  loved  sticking  Germans 
in  the  back  in  their  listening  posts,  that  he  had  dis 
covered  a  German  disguised  as  a  gunner  officer  behind 


A  NAVAL  VICTORY  205 

the  lines,  that  he  had  remained  with  six  wounds  in 
his  body  for  eight  days  in  No  Man's  Land,  that  he 
had  been  wounded  six  times,  that  he  had  often  been 
right  behind  the  German  lines  at  night,  that  he  had 
overheard  an  interesting  conversation  between  two 
German  staff  officers  in  a  German  dugout,  that  he 
was  in  the  second  battle  of  Ypres,  Neuve  Chappelle 
and  Loos,  that  he  had  been  a  private  in  the  Gunners 
years  ago,  and  many  other  adventures ! 

And  the  extraordinary  thing  to  me  is  that  intelli 
gent  Americans,  big  men,  listen  and  believe  these 
things.  Later,  when  their  own  boys  return  they  will 
know  that  the  chap  who  has  been  through  it  will  tell 
them — nothing.  It  is  fine  for  us  British  here  these 
days.  We  are  heroes,  wonderful  heroes.  But 
strange  people  seem  to  be  arriving  and  I  wonder 
if  they  are  all  taking  the  right  line.  I  realise  at  once 
that  it  is  very  easy  for  me  to  talk  like  this.  A  gun 
ner  subaltern,  with  his  comfortable  billet  to  return 
to,  even  at  the  end  of  an  unpleasant  day,  seldom 
comes  face  to  face  with  the  Boche.  Still  I  can  only 
repeat  that  during  my  service  I  saw  nothing  of  com 
mon,  vulgar  hatred  displayed  by  any  infantry  officers 
I  have  met.  It  is  not  worth  while :  they  are  too  great 
for  that. 

Of  course  I  may  have  missed  it.  But  there  was 
Taylor,  for  example,  a  horse  gunner  I  believe,  who 
was  attached  to  the  trench  "  Mortuaries."  He  was 
at  Haylebury  with  Taggers.  He  used  to  come  into 


206  OVER  HERE 

the  mess  at  times.  Once  during  the  battle  of  Loos 
while  we  were  attacking  he  took  several  of  his  cannon 
over  into  the  Boche  trench  which  we  had  succeeded 
in  capturing.  Unfortunately  something  went  wrong 
on  our  flank  and  Taylor  with  the  wonderful  Second 
Rifle  Brigade  was  left  in  this  trench  surrounded  by 
Boches  in  helmets  with  spikes  in  them.  They  were 
jammed  tight  in  the  narrow,  well-formed  German 
trench  and  only  a  bomber  at  each  end  could  fight. 
We  had  plenty  of  bombs,  however,  and  the  Germans 
had  little  fancy  for  jumping  over  the  barricade  they 
had  made  in  their  own  trench.  Their  officers 
attempted  to  lead  their  men  and  one  by  one  were 
bombed  or  shot.  Taylor  could  see  the  spikes  on  their 
helmets.  There  was  a  delay  and  then  a  German 
private  with  a  cheery  "  Hoch!  "  jumped  up  on  to  the 
barricade  trying  to  entice  the  others  to  follow.  They 
did  not,  but  the  private  received  a  bullet  and  lay 
there  rather  badly  wounded.  He  gave  a  slight  move 
ment,  perhaps  he  seemed  to  be  stretching  for  his 
gun,  so  the  bomber  let  him  have  one  and  ended  all 
movement. 

These  men  of  ours  were  in  a  very  awkward  posi 
tion,  almost  hopeless,  and  no  chances  could  be  taken, 
but  Taylor  was  annoyed  with  the  bomber  for  killing 
him,  although  there  was  nothing  else  to  be  done.  He 
seemed  too  brave  to  die.  Taylor  also  told  me,  when 
he  was  in  our  dugout  at  the  battery  position  dead 
beat,  that  he  saw  a  German  badly  wounded  being 


A  NAVAL  VICTORY  207 

attended  by  one  of  our  R.  A.  M.  C.  men.  The  German 
was  begging  the  Red  Cross  chap  to  let  him  die  for 
his  country. 

I  am  merely  telling  you  these  things  in  order  to 
let  you  see  what  impressions  I  got.  I  hope  that  you 
will  not  think  that  I  am  becoming  a  pacifist.  But 
even  if  the  Germans  have  taught  our  men  to  hate,  I 
hope  that  we  will  not  be  responsible  for  teaching  the 
fellows  over  here  that  sort  of  thing.  Many  of  them 
will  learn  soon  enough.  Besides,  I  am  not  sure  that  it 
is  advisable  for  us  to  do  it. 

The  next  day  I  met  the  Admiral  and  took  him 

out  to  my  friends  at  Chestnut  Hill.    M 's  mother, 

a  hopeless  Anglophile,  fell  for  him  at  once.  He 
amused  us  all  at  dinner,  and  then  we  asked  him  to  go 
with  us  to  the  hotel  to  dance.  He  came  and  stayed 

with  us  until  midnight.     A liked  him  very  much 

and  spent  the  whole  evening,  or  what  was  left  of 
Saturday  night,  talking  to  him,  ignoring  the  wonder 
ful  music  that  was  enticing  us  all  to  dance.  On 
Monday  he  came  with  me  to  Bethlehem.  I  took  him 
home  to  tea,  and  my  landlady,  an  English  girl,  was 
very  thrilled,  and  was  perfectly  overcome  when  he 
bowed  to  her,  and  shook  her  warmly  by  the  hand.  She 
brought  tea  up,  and  stayed  to  gossip  a  little,  and  they 
commenced  discussing  Yarmouth  or  some  other  place 
that  they  both  knew. 

I  discussed  the  "  hate  "  business  with  the  Admiral, 
but  he  seemed  to  think  that  it  could  not  be  helped  and 


208  OVER  HERE 

that  perhaps  the  men  made  better  fighters  if  they  felt 
furious.  So  perhaps  after  another  dose  of  France 
and  "  Flounders  "  I  may  feel  the  same. 

At  the  moment  in  Bethlehem  the  people  are  pre 
paring  for  a  trying  time.  They  are  convinced  that 
something  is  going  on  in  France  about  which  they 
know  nothing.  They  are  sure  that  the  boys  are  in  it. 
They  are  appreciating  to  the  full  the  wonderful  work 
being  done  at  Ypres  by  our  men.  Having  been 
ordered  to  wear  uniform  I  am  astonished  at  the  num 
ber  of  people  who  greet  me.  As  I  walk  along  I  am 
constantly  greeted  with  "  Good  evening,  Captain." 
What  charming  manners  the  American  working  man 
has  when  you  are  not  employing  him ! 

Yesterday  I  was  going  up  the  street  in  uniform 
when  two  small  boys  stopped  making  mud  pies  and, 
after  looking  at  me  with  great  pleasure,  one  said 
"  HeUo,  Horn  Blow  Man !  " 

I  hope  that  I  am  not  entirely  wrong  about  the  hate 
business,  but  I  always  feel  that  in  the  same  way  that 
you  hide  love  from  the  rest  of  the  world  because  you 
are  proud  of  it,  so  you  hide  hate  because  you  are 
ashamed  of  it. 

If  a  Frenchman  developed  hate  for  his  theme  in 
propaganda  he'd  get  away  with  it.  But  American 
people  know  that  we  are  merely  like  themselves,  too 
lazy  and  good  natured  to  develop  a  really  efficient 
form  of  hatred. 


XVII 

POISONOUS  GAS 

November,  1917 

I  AM  developing  into  a  regular  stump  orator 
these  days.  Of  course  it  is  not  at  all  difficult.  One 
has  plenty  of  information  about  the  war,  and  the 
more  simply  this  is  given  the  better  it  seems  to  me. 
However,  it  is  all  very  interesting  and  I  am  supplied 
with  the  opportunity  of  meeting  hundreds  of  Ameri 
can  men.  They  are  all  awfully  kind  to  me.  I  gener 
ally  speak  at  club  luncheons  and  dinners. 

One  night  I  had  to  speak  at  a  splendid  dinner 
given  by  the  neighbourhood  club  of  Bala-Cynwyd,  a 
suburb  of  Philadelphia.  Of  many  delightful  evenings 
spent  in  America  I  think  this  night  was  the  most 
enjoyable.  My  turn  came  towards  the  end  of  the 
programme.  There  had  been  many  fine  talks  by 
famous  Philadelphians  as  well  as  by  other  British 
officers,  and  I  felt  very  diffident  about  saying  any 
thing  at  all.  However,  I  stood  up  and  saw  several 
hundred  cheery  men  all  looking  up  at  me  with  kind 
ness  and  encouragement  shining  from  their  faces.  I 
told  them)  a  few  funny  stories  and  said  that  I  liked 
them  an  awful  lot ;  that  I  liked  them  so  much  that 
14  209 


210  OVER  HERE 

I  wanted  them  to  like  my  countrymen.  I  forget 
exactly  what  I  did  say. 

A  few  days  afterwards  I  received  a  letter  from 
the  secretary  of  the  club,  which  I  shall  always  keep, 
for  it  assures  me  of  their  friendship  and  affection. 

I  do  not  think  that  the  American  people  have 
done  their  duty  by  us.  When  the  early  Christians 
were  given  a  big  thing  they  started  missions  which 
had  for  their  object  the  conversion  of  the  heathen. 
Why  has  not  America  realised  her  responsibility  to 
us  ?  Why  hasn't  she  sent  a  mission  to  England,  with 
the  object  of  converting  middle-aged  and  elderly 
Britons  to  that  attitude  of  mind,  so  prevalent  here, 
which  makes  every  American  man  over  thirty  de 
sire  to  help  and  encourage  enthusiastic  young  men? 
At  the  moment,  the  meeting  of  American  enthusiasm 
and  British  conservatism  always  suggests  to  my  mind 
the  alliance  of  the  Gulf  Stream  with  the  Arctic  cur 
rent.  There  is  an  awful  lot  of  fog  when  these  two 
meet  and  some  shipwrecks. 

Quite  often  I  talk  at  Rotary  Clubs.  Every  city 
or  town  has  a  Rotary  Club  over  here.  The  members 
consist  of  one  man  from  each  of  the  leading  business 
houses  in  the  town  or  city.  They  meet  at  lunch 
once  a  week  and  endeavour  to  learn  things  from  one 
another.  One  member  generally  talks  for  twenty 
minutes  about  his  particular  business,  then  an  alarm 
clock  goes  off;  and  sometimes  an  outsider  gives  an 


POISONOUS  GAS  211 

address.  I  rather  love  the  Rotarians.  The  milk  of 
human  kindness  flows  very  freely,  and  the  members 
behave  to  one  another  like  nice  people  in  decent 
books.  At  any  rate  many  cordial  remarks  are  made, 
and  it  always  seems  to  me  that  the  thought,  even 
if  it  is  an  affected  one,  which  produces  a  decent  re 
mark  helps  to  swell  the  amount  of  brotherly  love  in 
the  world.  The  Rotarians  are  keen  business  men  and 
are  obviously  the  survivors  of  the  fittest  in  the  busi 
ness  world. 

Sometimes  I  have  spoken  for  the  Red  Cross  at 
large  public  meetings.  I  even  addressed  a  society 
affair  in  the  house  of  a  charming  Philadelphia  lady. 
This  was  very  interesting.  There  were  about  one 
hundred  people  present  and  my  host,  an  adopted 
uncle,  endeavoured  to  introduce  me  in  a  graceful 
manner  with  a  few  well  chosen  words,  but  he  forgot 
his  lines.  At  this  function  one  felt  one's  self  to  be 
present  at  a  social  gathering  described  by  Thackeray. 
There  were  many  men  and  women  present  with  the 
sweetest  and  most  gracious  manners  in  the  world. 
They  were  all  descendants  of  the  people  who  lived 
in  Philadelphia  before  the  Revolution,  and  something 
of  the  atmosphere  that  must  have  prevailed  in  a  fash 
ionable  drawing-room  or  "  Assembly  "  during  those 
romantic  days  seemed  to  be  in  the  air. 

Of  course  my  first  experience  of  public  speaking 
was  in  Bethlehem.  It  happened  at  the  Eagle  Hotel. 


OVER  HERE 

One  of  the  Vice-Presidents  of  the  Steel  Company 
called  me  up  and  said.  "  Mac,  will  you  give  us  a 
short  talk  at  the  Red  Cross  luncheon  to-day?  "  "  But 

yes,  Mr.  B ,  I'll  be  delighted,  though  I  am  no 

orator." 

So  I  found  myself  decked  out  in  uniform  on  my 
way  to  the  Eagle  in  Mr.  B —  — 's  car.  With  tact  he 
urged  me  to  be  careful.  "  Y'know,  Mac,  the  people 
in  this  burgh  have  not  quite  realised  the  situation. 
Many  are  of  German  origin  and  there  are  some  Irish, 
and  one  or  two  are  not  fond  of  England.  They  are 
a  fine  crowd  of  mien  and  are  working  like  Trojans 
to  get  money  for  the  Red  Cross. " 

",'May  I  damn  the  Kaiser,  Mr.  B ?  "  I  meekly 

asked.  "  Sure !  Sure !  Mac ;  give  him  hell.  Every 
mother's  son  will  be  with  you  in  that." 

After  lunch,  Mr.  B ,  as  General  of  the  Army 

of  Collection,  stood  up.  (He  is  a  ripping  chap,  a 
little  embonpoint  perhaps,  as  befits  his  age.  He  is 
about  forty-five  and  looks  thirty.  He  has  a  round, 
cheery  face,  hasn't  lost  a  hair  from  his  head,  and 
when  he  talks,  suggests  a  small  boy  of  twelve  suc 
cessfully  wheedling  a  dime  from  his  mother  for  the 
circus.) 

He  said :  "  We  have  had  with  us  in  Bethlehem  men 
of  the  Entente  Allies,  men  who  have  heard  the 

whi stling  of  the  shrapnel,  and  who  have  seen  the 

burs ting  of  the  high  explosives,  and  to-day  one 

of  these  heroes  will  address  you." 


POISONOUS  GAS  213 

The  "  whistling  of  the  shrapnel  "  thrilled  me.  It 
brought  back  to  my  mind  a  night  in  an  Infantry 
dugout  in  France,  when  dear  old  Banbury  of  the 
Rifle  Brigade  was  wearying  me  and  three  other  subs 
with  a  story  of  one  of  his  stunts  in  "  No  Man's 
Land."  We  heard  a  bounding,  whipping  sound  and 
then  a  massed  chorus  of  whistling,  and  we  all  breathed 
a  sigh  of  relief  as  Banbury  jumped  up,  and  grabbing 
his  gun  muttered,  "  Whizz  bang,"  and  disappeared 
up  the  dugout  steps.  That  was  all.  He  switched  on 
to  cricket  when  he  returned.  And  yet  they  call  the 
Boche  frightful. 

Then  the  "  bursting  of  the  high  explosives."  I 
hate  high  explosives.  They  are  so  definite,  and  ex 
tremely  destructive ;  and  so  awkward  when  you're  up 
a  chimney  and  it  hits  somewhere  near  the  base,  and 
you  slide  down  the  rope  and  burn  your  poor  hands. 

I  stood  up,  feeling  like  ten  cents,  and  commenced 
to  tell  my  audience  about  the  Red  Cross  a  la  guerre. 
Whenever  I  tried  to  thrill  them  they  all  laughed,  and 
then  I  guessed  that  my  accent  was  the  cause  of  all 
the  trouble.  I  tried  to  talk  like  an  American,  I 
thought,  with  some  success.  I  called  the  Kaiser  a 
"  poor  fish,"  but  when  I  discussed  America  and  the 
war  and  said  "  By  Jove,  we  need  you  awful  badly  over 
there,"  they  all  collapsed  and  I  sat  down. 

Afterwards  they  came  up,  fine  chaps  that  they 
are,  and  all  shook  hands. 


214  OVER  HERE 

It  seems  to  be  an  art  developed  by  certain  persons 
to  be  able  to  introduce  speakers.  If  you  are  the 
fellow  who  has  got  to  talk,  the  chairman  gets  up  and 
commences  to  praise  you  for  all  he  is  worth.  A  fel 
low  told  me  at  a  dinner  the  other  night  that  while 
visiting  his  home  town  he  had  been  compelled  to  ad 
dress  the  townsmen.  The  deacon  mounted  a  small 
platform  and  commenced  to  eulogise.  He  had  only 
got  the  first  versicle  of  the  "  Te  Deum  "  off  his  chest, 
when  his  set  of  teeth  fell  out  and  landed  on  the  bald 
head  of  my  friend,  giving  him  a  nasty  bite.  This 
was  a  great  help. 

About  this  eulogising — my  Highland  blood  helps 
me  to  understand;  my  English  education  tells  me 
that  it  is — well,  displaying  all  your  goods  in  the 
front  window,  and  I'm  not  sure  that  it  "  is  done." 
Eddy  Grey  says  "  Hector,  it  is  just  *  slinging  the 
bull.'  "  It  is.  Some  of  these  eulogising  gentlemen 
talk  for  ten  minutes  each  time,  but  they  are  generally 
good  looking  people  turned  out  in  quite  nice  evening 
things. 

I  went  to  a  "  coming-out  party  "  yesterday  and 
ate  some  interesting  food,  chatted  with  some  amusing 
girls,  and  then  rushed  into  John  Wanamaker's  to 
help  to  sell  Liberty  Bonds.  I  stood  at  the  base  of 
a  bronze  eagle  and  harangued  a  large  audience,  but 
not  a  soul  bought  a  bond.  However,  a  lady  whose 
father  was  English  was  partially  overcome  and  fell 


POISONOUS  GAS  215 

on  my  chest  in  tears.  She  was  about  fifty.  I  should 
liked  to  have  hugged  her,  but  I  did  not  know  her 
very  well,  although  the  introduction  was  vivid. 

I  manage  generally  to  hold  the  interest  of  my 
audience,  but  I  wish  I  were  Irish.  I  always  love  to 
talk  to  American  men.  They  make  a  fine  audience. 
Having  found  it  difficult  in  England  to  grow  up,  my 
growth  towards  a  reverend  and  sober  mien  has  been 
definitely  stunted  during  my  year  in  America.  Amer 
icans  don't  "  grow  up."  An  American  possesses  the 
mind  of  a  man,  but  always  retains  the  heart  of  a 
child,  so  if  you've  got  to  speak,  it  is  quite  easy  to 
appeal  to  that  great,  wonderful  Yankee  heart.  Of 
course,  my  greatest  opportunity  came  on  the  Fourth 
of  July,  1917.  I  realise  more  and  more  every  day 
what  a  tremendous  honour  was  paid  to  me  by  my 
friends  of  Bethlehem. 

Towards  the  middle  of  June,  the  town  council  of 
Bethlehem  met  to  discuss  the  annual  municipal  cele 
bration  of  America's  Independence.  They  discussed 
the  choice  of  an  orator  and  unanimously  decided  that 
it  would  be  a  graceful  act  of  courtesy  to  ask  a  British 
officer  to  do  the  job.  The  lot  evidently  fell  upon  me, 
and  the  local  Episcopal  parson  waited  upon  me,  and 
put  the  request,  admitting  that  only  judges,  ex-gov 
ernors,  colonels,  and  big  people  like  that  had  been 
asked  in  previous  years.  I  said  "  Right,  O !  "  Arid 
then  began  to  reflect  upon  the  great  honour  shown  to 


216  OVER  HERE 

my  country  and  me.  As  I  have  told  you  before,  the 
population  of  Bethlehem  is  largely  of  Teutonic  de 
scent  and  there  are  quite  a  large  number  of  Irishmen 
here.  Never  in  the  history  of  the  United  States  had 
an  Englishman  in  full  uniform  delivered  the  Indepen 
dence  Day  oration.  I  was  a  little  frightened.  You 
see  the  folk  thought  it  would  be  a  nice  thing  to  do ; 
a  sort  of  burying  the  hatchet. 

Many  days  before,  I  wrote  out  a  series  of  speeches, 
and  wondered  if  I  should  get  stage  fright.  I  felt 
that  the  job  might  prove  too  difficult  for  me. 

The  Glorious  Fourth  arrived,  ushered  in  by  the 
banging  of  many  fireworks,  making  it  difficult,  and 
a  little  dangerous  for  law  abiding  and  humble  citi 
zens.  I  cleaned  and  polished  up  my  uniform,  slung  a 
gas  mask  and  wallet  round  my  shoulders,  >and  awaited 
the  automobile  that  should  take  me  to  the  campus. 
It  came  at  last,  and  I  found  myself  standing  sur 
rounded  by  two  bands  and  about  three  thousand 
people. 

The  children  were  firing  all  kinds  of  infernal  pis 
tols  and  crackers,  and  I  wondered  how  I  should  be  able 
to  make  myself  heard  by  the  large  throng  of  people. 
The  National  Guard  lined  up,  and  the  band  com 
menced  to  play  various  tunes.  After  a  time  silence 
was  called,  and  the  band  broke  into  "  The  Star 
Spangled  Banner "  while  the  National  Guard  and 
J  sajuted.  The  people  then  solemnly  repeated  the 


POISONOUS  GAS  217 

oath  of  allegiance  to  the  Republic,  while  the  flag  was 
solemnly  unfurled  on  a  huge  flagstaff.  It  was  all 
very  solemn  and  inspiring,  and  became  more  so  when 
a  clergyman  read  a  Psalm.  Then  the  bands  played 
"  America  "  which  seems  to  have  the  same  time  as 
"  God  Save  the  King  "  while  we  endeavoured  to  sing 
the  words.  The  Chief  Burgess  then  addressed  the 
throng,  but  being  an  elderly  man,  his  inspiring 
address  was  heard  by  only  a  very  few. 

Soon  it  was  my  turn  to  speak,  and  in  fear  and 
trembling  I  mounted  a  little  stand  improvised  for 
the  occasion.  I  looked  at  the  old  building  beside 
me  in  which  our  wounded  of  the  Revolution  had  been 
cared  for  by  the  gentle  Moravians.  I  looked  at  the 
people  around  me,  thousands  of  happy  faces  all  look 
ing  with  kindliness  and  friendship  towards  me.  I 
don't  know  exactly  what  I  said,  but  perhaps  the 
spirits  of  the  poor  British  Tommies  who  had  died 
fighting  for  their  king  in  the  old  building  behind 
helped  a  little,  for  I  know  that  during  the  half  hour 
I  spoke  every  face  was  fixed  intently  upon  me,  and 
when  I  finally  got  down,  there  was  a  mighty  cheer  that 
went  straight  to  my  heart.  At  any  rate  I  had  that 
thing  which  is  greater  than  the  speech  of  men  and 
of  angels,  and  without  which  the  greatest  orator's 
speech  is  like  sounding  brass  and  tinkling  cymbals — 
Love.  I  had  a  very  great  love  for  my  friends  of 
Bethlehem,  a  love  that  refused  to  differentiate  be- 


218  OVER  HERE 

tween  Anglo-Saxons  and  Teutons,  and  they  knew  it, 
consequently  they  listened  with  a  great  patience. 

After  the  band1  had  once  more  played,  and  a 
clergyman  had  said  a  prayer,  hundreds  and  hundreds 
came  forward  and  shook  hands.  There  were  veterans 
of  the  Civil  War  who  threw  their  chests  out  and 
offered  to  go  back  to  France  and  fight  with  me.  One 
old  gentleman  with  snowy  hair  said  "  Lad,  it  was  an 
inspiration."  Then  exiles,  mostly  women  from  Eng 
land,  Ireland,  and  Scotland,  came  up,  some  weeping 
a  little,  and  said  "  God  Bless  you."  One  darling  old 
Irish  lady  said  "  Sure  Oirland  would  get  Home  Rule 
if  you  had  any  power  in  England." 

Sometimes  I  think  that  we  humans  are  a  little  too 
fond  of  talking.  Perhaps  it  might  be  a  good  idea  to 
remember  at  this  time  the  words  of  the  great  chan 
cellor  :  "  Great  questions  are  not  to  be  solved  by 
speeches  and  the  resolutions  of  majorities  but  by 
blood  and  iron."  I  suppose  for  the  Allies  it  gets  down 
to  that  finally,  but  they  all  do  an  awful  lot  of  talking. 


XVIII 

THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA 

December,  1917. 

I  HAVE  just  returned  from  a  tour  of  Pennsylvania 
with  a  senator,  and  have  come  back  to  Philadelphia 
possessing  much  experience,  and  a  profound  love  for 
my  senator  as  well.  We  traversed  several  hundred 
miles,  stopping  only  to  talk  at  important,  though  in 
some  cases  out-of-the-way,  towns  in  the  great  com 
monwealth.  Our  object  was  to  help  the  people  to  rea 
lise  the  present  situation.  At  times  it  was  hard  going, 
at  times  our  experience  was  altogether  delightful. 
We  visited  Allentown,  Sunbury,  Lock  Haven,  Erie, 
Pittsburgh,  Washington,  Altoona,  Johnstown,  Hunt 
ingdon,  and  Harrisburg. 

At  Allentown  we  were  met  and  greeted  by  a  warm 
hearted  Committee  of  Public  Safety,  and  spoke  to  a 
tired  out  audience  of  Pennsylvania  Dutchmen  and 
many  yawning  chairs,  as  well  as  a  few  officers  from' 
the  Allentown  Ambulance  Camp.  I  found  talking 
difficult  and  I  fear  my  audience  was  bored.  My 
senator  did  his  best,  but  the  Allentown  people  have 
many  soldiers  of  their  own,  and  besides  they  realise 
the  situation.  They  are  Pennsylvania  Dutchmen, 
and  that  stands  for  fervent  Americanism  which  is 

219 


220  OVER  HERE 

more  real,  I  think,  on  account  of  the  stolidness  they 
display. 

At  Sunbury  the  folk  were  awfully  glad  to  see  us. 
Sunbury  is  a  charming  place  with  a  beautiful  large 
park  in  the  centre  of  the  town,  disturbed  a  little  by  the 
locomotives  that  seem  to  rush  through  its  very  streets, 
heedless  of  whether  they  kill  a  few  careless  Sunbury- 
ites  on  their  journey.  We  spoke  to  a  large  and  de 
lightful  audience  of  kindly  people,  who  saw  all  my 
poor  jokes,  and  sympathised  quite  a  lot  with  my 
country  in  its  struggles.  I  left  them  all  warm  friends 
of  the  British  Empire,  I  hope.  The  whole  town  is 
sympathetic  and  we  met  the  niece  of  the  chap  who 
discovered  oxygen.  I  loved  the  old  houses  and  the 
quiet  restful  feeling  in  the  air.  The  people  of  Sun- 
bury  are  with  us  in  the  job  of  finishing  the  Boche 
even  unto  the  last  man. 

At  Lock  Haven,  a  fine  old  town  with  a  great  past 
as  a  lumbering  centre,  and  with  also  a  fine  old  inn, 
we  met  some  nice  folk,  but  things  had  gone  wrong 
somewhere,  and  the  attendance  was  very  small.  It 
was  difficult  to  gather  the  attitude  of  the  people. 

We  left  Lock  Haven  very  early  in  the  morning, 
and  commenced  a  long  journey  to  Erie  on  a  local 
train,  which  behaved  like  a  trolley  car,  for  it  seemed 
to  stop  at  every  cross  roads.  Although  it  lasted 
eight  hours  I  enjoyed  the  journey  very  much,  but  a 
journey  on  an  American  train,  especially  in  Pennsyl- 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA 

vania,  presents  no  horrors  for  me,  since  I  always 
find  several  old  friends,  and  make  a  few  new  ones  on 
the  way. 

I  had  had  to  talk  to  a  large  crowd  of  travelling 
men  one  Saturday  afternoon  in  Philadelphia.  They 
were  a  fine  audience,  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  they 
were  all  in  a  state  of  "  afterdinnerness,"  and  the  room 
was  full  of  smoke,  which  was  hard  on  my  rather  worn- 
out  throat. 

A  "  travelling  man  "  is  a  commercial  traveller, 
called  by  the  vulgar,  a  "  drummer  " — a  little  un 
kindly  I  think.  Until  this  meeting,  and  its  conse 
quences,  I  had  never  understood  American  travel 
ling  men.  Now  I  do.  I  believe  that  these  men  form 
a  kind  of  incubator  for  some  of  the  keenness  and 
determined-doggedness  that  is  so  marked  in  the  Amer 
ican  character. 

And  so  upon  the  long  journey  I  met  several 
friends.  One  was  travelling  for  corsets,  I  believe. 
The  corsets  did  not  interest  me, — I'm  not  sure  that 
they  interested  my  friend  very  much,  but  they  gave 
him  scope  for  his  profession,  as  well  as  an  opportunity 
to  bring  up  a  family.  I  learnt  a  great  deal  from 
these  two  men,  and  the  many  conversations  that  had 
bored  me  a  trifle  while  travelling,  came  back  to  my 
mind. 

These  fellows  have  to  apply  every  device,  every 
trick,  to  carry  off  their  job.  Their  numbers  are 


222  OVER  HERE 

great  and  their  customers  are  always  on  the  defensive, 
so  they've  got  to  know  more  about  human  nature  than 
about  their  wares.  They  have  to  overcome  the  de 
fenses  of  the  men  they  deal  with.  Their  preliminary 
bombardment  has  to  be  intense.  They've  got  to  make 
an  impression;  either  a  very  good  one  or  an  evil  one, 
— both  are  effective,  for  an  impression  of  their  exist 
ence  and  what  they  stand  for  must  be  left  upon  the 
minds  of  their  opponents.  I  heard  two  discussing 
their  tactics  on  this  long  journey  to  Erie.  One  chap 
spoke  of  a  merchant  whose  reputation  as  a  notorious 
bully  was  well  known  to  travelling  men.  He  was  a 
nasty  red-headed  fellow,  and  was  overcome  in  the  fol 
lowing  way. 

The  drummer  approached  the  desk  and  delivered 
his  card.  The  merchant  looked  at  it  and  said  "  What 
the  hell  do  you  mean  by  wasting  my  time?  I  don't 
want  yer  goods,  what  have  yer  come  for?  " 

The  drummer  merely  said,  "  I  haven't  come  to  sell 
you  anything." 

"Well,  what  the  hell  do  yer  want?"  replied  the 
merchant. 

"  I've  merely  come  to  have  a  good  look  at  as 
mean  a  looking  red-headed  son-of-a-gun  as  exists  on 
the  face  of  this  earth.  I  collect  photographs  of 
atrocities." 

The  merchant  looked  furious  and  then  angrily 
said,  "  Come  in!  "  So  the  drummer  entered  with  cer- 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA        223 

tain  fears.  The  red-head  seated  himself  at  his 
desk,  and  commenced  his  work,  keeping  the  drummer 
standing.  The  drummer,  fearing  defeat  and  ignor 
ing  the  notice  "  No  Smoking,"  lit  a  foul  cigar,  walked 
over  to  the  desk  and  commenced  blowing  clouds  of 
smoke  all  over  the  merchant.  The  "  red-headed  son- 
of-a-gun  "  looked  up  and  grinned.  It  was  not  diffi 
cult  after  that. 

Finally,  at  about  three-thirty,  we  reached  Erie. 
We  addressed  a  rather  small  audience  in  the  court 
house,  and  afterwards  spent  a  diverting  hour  in  a 
local  club. 

At  three-thirty  A.M.  we  left  for  Pittsburgh  and 
spent  the  rest  of  the  early  morning  in  a  Pullman 
sleeper,  getting  duly  asphyxiated.  At  Pittsburgh 
we  addressed  a  large  crowd  of  business  men  called 
"  The  Pittsburgh  Association  of  Credit  Men."  They 
formed  a  delightful  audience  and  listened  with  ap 
parent  interest  to  our  story.  The  trouble  is,  that 
men  these  days,  want  to  hear  about  atrocities.  They 
like  one  to  tell  them  about  Belgium  women  getting  cut 
up  into  impossible  pieces  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
I  don't  see  the  use  of  it  at  all.  Besides  my  job  is 
not  to  amuse,  nor  to  appeal  to  the  side  of  a  man's 
character  which  appreciates  newspaper  stories  of  tra 
gedies,  but  rather  to  place  before  him  actual  condi 
tions  as  I  saw  them.  It  always  seems  to  me  that  the 
greatest  atrocity  of  the  war  was  the  initial  use  of 


OVER  HERE 

poisonous  gas  by  the  Germans,  and  the  tragedy  lay  in 
the  fact  that  human  nature  became  so  unsporting  as 
to  resort  to  such  methods. 

Certain  people,  talking  at  dinners  and  meetings 
these  days,  definitely  take  up  a  line  of  speech  which 
chiefly  concerns  itself  in  detailing  German  atrocities. 
They  find  it  perfectly  easy  to  gain  round  after  round 
of  applause  by  saying  something  like  the  following: 
"  That  fiend  of  hell,  the  Kaiser,  spent  years  and  years 
plotting  against  the  peace  of  the  world.  He  mas 
sacred  little  Belgian  children,  and  raped  systemati 
cally  Belgian  women.  4  One  week  to  Paris,  one  month 
to  London  and  three  months  to  New  York,'  he 
shrieked.  But  the  American  eagle  prepared  to  fight, 
the  British  lion  roared,  and  France,  fair  France, 
clasped  her  children  to  her  breast  and  called  for  aid 
across  the  ocean  to  the  sons  of  Uncle  Sam  to  whom 
she  had  given  succor  in  the  dark  days  of  '76." 

Now  I  will  admit  that  talk  like  that  is  quite 
effective  and  stirs  a  fellow  up  quite  a  lot,  but  I 
rather  think  that  ten  years  hence  it  will  be  described 
as  "  bull."  What  American  men  and  American  women 
want  is  cold  facts  that  can  be  backed  up  with  proof, 
convincing  proof.  Of  course  there  is  not  a  shadow 
of  doubt  that  the  Germans  had  designs  upon  the 
rest  of  the  world,  but  I  have  one  object  in  my  talks — 
to  endeavor  to  foster  a  firm  and  cordial  understand 
ing  between  my  country  and  America.  My  objects 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA        225 

cannot  be  attained  by  detailing  horrors,  so  I  allow 
the  newspapers  to  thrill  and  amuse  them,  and  I  try  to 
tell  them  things  as  I  myself  saw  them.  Strangely 
enough  I  find  cold  facts  "  get  across  "  much  better 
than  all  the  British  bull  dog  screaming  and  eagle 
barking  in  the  world,  which  reminds  me  of  the  man 
who  said  that  he  only  knew  two  tunes  and  that  he 
got  these  mixed  up.  When  asked  what  the  two  tunes 
were  he  replied,  "  God  save  the  weasel "  and  "  Pop 
goes  the  Queen." 

And  then  we  arrived  at  Washington,  Pa.  Wash 
ington,  Pa.,  will  never  be  forgotten  by  this  British 
soldier.  We  found  ourselves  on  a  platform  looking 
at  as  cheerful  and  delightful  a  crowd  of  people  as  I 
ever  hope  to  talk  to.  They  were  all  smiling  and 
gave  us  a  wonderful  welcome.  I  told  the  children 
present,  that  the  boys  and  girls  in  my  country  were 
all  taught  about  George  Washington  in  their  schools 
and  sometimes  even  in  the  Sunday-schools.  I  told 
them  that  sometimes  they  mixed  him  up  a  little  with 
Moses  and  the  prophets,  but,  in  any  case,  it  was  not 
until  they  became  highly  educated  that  they  realized 
that  he  was  an  American.  They  were  a  delightful 
audience,  and  after  I  had  spoken  for  about  an  hour 
they  gave  me  an  encore,  so  I  sang  them  a  comic 
song.  I  hated  leaving  Washington. 

Then  we  arrived  at  Johnstown  and  heard  about 
the  flood,  and  the  story  of  the  man  who  was  drowned 
15 


226  OVER  HERE 

there  and  who  bored  all  the  saints  in  Paradise  with  a 
reiteration  of  his  experiences  in  that  memorable 
tragedy,  although  he  was  interrupted  frequently  by  a 
very  old  man  sitting  in  a  corner.  The  Johnstown 
saint  was  annoyed  until  it  was  explained  to  him  that 
the  old  man  was  Noah  who,  it  may  be  remembered, 
had  some  flood  of  his  own. 

It  snowed  when  we  arrived  at  Huntingdon  and 
consequently  the  audience  in  the  "  movie  "  theatre 
was  small. 

We  had  a  wonderful  meeting  at  Altoona.  The 
people  were  very  enthusiastic  and  I  met  some  fine 
warm-hearted  Americans  afterwards.  Sometimes  a 
chap  would  say,  "  I've  got  a  Dutch  name,  Lieuten 
ant,  but  I'm  an  American  and  I'm  with  you." 

Our  train  caused  us  to  be  too  late  for  the  meeting 
at  Harrisburg,  so  we  returned  to  Philadelphia.  I 
hated  parting  with  my  senator.  The  thing  I  loved 
best  about  our  tour  was  the  cordial  feeling  displayed 
towards  me  by  the  hundreds  of  men  I  met  after  the 
close  of  the  meetings. 

I  was  a  little  tired,  but  nevertheless  quite  sorry 
when  our  journey  ended. 

I  have  grown  to  hate  the  very  idea  of  war  and  I 
hope  that  this  will  be  the  last.  Still  I  wonder.  What 
a  futile  occupation  war  is  when  one  comes  to  think  of 
it,  but,  of  course,  we  could  not  allow  Germany  to  give 
a  solo  performance.  Yet  there  must  be  an  antidote. 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA 

Some  years  ago,  on  a  very  warm  Sunday  after 
noon  in  New  Zealand,  a  number  of  men  from  a 
small  college  decided  to  bathe  in  a  rather  treacherous 
looking  lake  near  by.  They  had  all  been  to  chapel 
that  morning,  not  only  because  chapel  was  com 
pulsory,  but  because  the  service  was  usually  cheery 
and  attractive  and  some  of  them  were  theological 
students.  Unfortunately  one  man,  little  more  than 
a  boy,  was  drowned.  The  circumstances  were  dis 
tressing  because  he  had  just  got  his  degree  and  was 
showing  promise  of  a  useful  life. 

I  can  see  it  all  now;  has  great  friend — for  men 
become  great  friends  in  a  college — working  his  arms 
endeavouring  to  bring  back  life  long  after  he  was 
dead ;  the  solemn  prayer  of  the  master ;  the  tolling  of 
the  chapel  bell  as  the  sad  procession  moved  up  to  the 
college;  and  then  the  friend  solemnly  deciding  to 
devote  his  life  to  the  dead  boy's  work.  It  was  all 
very  sad,  but  something  had  been  introduced  to  the 
whole  thing  which  made  the  more  frivolous  amongst 
us  think.  We  felt  different  men  that  night,  when 
one  of  our  number  lay  dead  in  the  college  building. 
Some  of  us  who  knew,  felt  a  great  comfort  when 
we  saw  the  friend  decide  to  take  up  the  dead  boy's 
work.  We  felt  that  friendship  had  won  a  great 
fight: 

The  papers  were  full  of  it.  The  aftermath  of  a 
tragedy  followed.  All  of  us  who  had  been  swimming 


228  OVER  HERE 

received  anonymous  P.  C's.  from  religious  persons. 
Mine,  I  remember,  commenced  in  large  letters: 
"UNLESS  YE  REPENT  YE  SHALL  LIKE 
WISE  PERISH."  Then  followed  stories  of  Sabbath 
breakers  upon  whom  the  wrath  of  God  had  fallen. 
It  depressed  us  slightly,  but  we  recovered.  The 
friend,  a  fine  chap,  took  up  the  boy's  work;  and  we 
have  since  learned  that  his  death  has  proved  more 
glorious  than  his  life  could  have  been. 

When  the  war  broke  out  in  Europe,  there  were 
not  wanting  in  England  persons  who  sought  to  find 
a  cause  for  the  expression  of  God's  wrath  as  they 
deemed  the  war  to  be.  England  had  sinned  and  God 
was  about  to  punish  her.  God  was  angry  and  the 
beautiful  youth  of  England  had  to  be  sacrificed  to 
His  wrath.  One  by  one,  and  in  thousands,  God 
would  kill  them,  until  we  should  repent,  and  then  all 
would  be  well,  until  we  should  once  more  be  steeped  in 
worldliness.  Isn't  the  idea  terrible;  the  yearning  of 
the  mother  for  her  boys  whom  she  only  thinks  of  now 
as  children  when  they  played  around  her  and  con 
fided  their  every  trouble,  the  loneliness  of  the  friend 
who  has  lost  a  wonderful  thing,  friendship — all  part 
of  God's  punishment!  And  the  people  who  go  to 
church  place  above  the  chimney  piece  in  the  servant's 
hall,  "  God  is  Love  " — and  sometimes  even  in  the  day 
nursery. 

I  once  saw  five  soldiers  killed  by  one  unlucky  shot 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA        229 

from  a  whizz-bang.  The  place  was  unhealthy,  so  I 
did  not  wait  long,  but  I  had  just  time  to  think  of  the 
feelings  of  mothers  and  sweethearts  when  the  official 
notification  should  arrive.  They  lay  there  as  though 
sleeping,  for  men  newly  killed  don't  always  look  ter 
rible.  I  can't  blame  God  for  it.  You  can't. 

Now  that  we  know  what  war  is  we  are  all  seeking 
for  an  antidote — trying  to  find  something  that  will 
prevent  its  recurrence,  and  we  haven't  found  it  yet. 
Leagues  of  nations  are  suggested,  which  is  quite  an 
old  idea  and  one  practised  by  the  Highland  clans. 
General  disarmament  comes  to  the  fore  again.  Who 
is  going  to  disarm  first?  Can  the  nations  trust  one 
another?  Of  course  they  can't.  Peace  of  long  dura 
tion  will,  of  course,  follow  this  war.  The  disease  will 
have  run  its  course  and  the  patient  exhausted  will 
have  a  long  convalescence  and  then — God!  what  will 
the  next  war  be  like  ? 

History  seems  to  teach  us  that  war  is  a  kind  of 
disease  that  breaks  out  at  regular  intervals  and 
spreads  like  an  epidemic.  Hence  we  must  find  some 
serum  that  will  inoculate  us  against  it. 

Like  all  obvious  things  the  antidote  is  around 
us,  staring  us  in  the  face.  We  feel  it  when  we  look 
upon  the  mountains  clothed  in  green  with  their  black 
rocks  pointing  to  the  God  who  made  them.  We  see 
it  in  the  pansy  turning  its  wee  face  up  to  the  sun 
until  its  stalk  nearly  breaks,  so  great  is  its  devotion. 


230  OVER  HERE 

We  can  see  it  when  by  accident  we  tread  upon  the 
foot  of  a  favourite  dog,  when,  with  many  tail  wag- 
gings,  in  spite  of  groans  difficult  to  hold  back,  he  ap 
proaches  with  beseeching  eyes,  begging  that  the  cause 
of  all  the  trouble  will  not  take  it  too  hardly.  We 
see  it  on  the  face  of  a  mother ;  it  is  the  thing  longed 
for  on  the  face  of  a  friend;  it  was  on  the  face  of 
Jesus  when  he  said  to  the  prostitute,  "  Neither  do  I 
condemn  thee."  It  is  the  greatest  thing  in  the  world, 
for  it  is  love. 

The  very  remark  "  God  is  Love  "  at  once  sug 
gests  church.  We  see  at  once  the  elderly  father,  all 
his  wild  oats  sown,  walking  home  from  church  with 
stately  tread,  followed  by  the  wife  who  is  not  de 
ceived  if  she  stops  to  think.  The  old  tiresome 
remark,  "  He  goes  to  church  on  Sunday,  but  during 
the  week — Mon  Dieu,"  at  once  springs  to  our  minds. 
Why  is  it  that  quite  a  number  of  healthy  young  men 
dislike  church  so  much?  Watch  these  same  young 
men  playing  with  a  little  sister  or  a  favourite  dog. 
See  the  cow-boy,  not  on  the  movie  screen  where  a 
poor  old  bony  hack  gets  his  mouth  pulled  to  bits 
by  certain  screen  favourites,  but  the  real  thing. 
See  the  good  wheel  driver  in  the  artillery,  especially 
if  he  is  a  wheel  driver,  sitting  back  when  no  one  is 
looking  and  preventing  his  gees  from  doing  too  much 
work,  or  the  centre  driver  giving  the  lead  driver  hell 
when  the  traces  in  front  are  hanging  in  festoons* 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA         231 

at  once  showing  that  the  leaders  are  not  doing  their 
work.  It  is  all  love.  But  in  its  home,  the  church, 
of  a  truth,  it  is  stiffly  clothed,  if  it  is  not  taught  by 
a  person  whose  vocation  is  really  a  candy  store.  Yet 
if  we  are  to  prevent  war  from  recurring  we  have 
got  to  introduce  love  into  the  world.  It  is  truly 
our  only  chance. 

Do  you  see,  this  world  is  the  product  of  love. 
There  seem  to  have  been  applied  but  few  rules  and 
regulations.  The  mountains  are  not  squares,  the  hills 
are  not  cubes,  the  rivers  don't  run  straight.  They 
are  all  irregular  and  they  are  all  lovely.  So  man, 
the  product  of  love,  is  hopelessly  irregular  at  times. 
He  just  cannot  live  according  to  rules  or  regulations, 
but  he  can  love  if  he  is  allowed  to. 

Of  course,  no  one  will  believe  this.  It  is  just  a 
wallow  in  sentiment  I  suppose,  but  I  learnt  about  it 
on  the  battlefields;  of  France  and  Flanders — a  stronge 
place  to  learn  a  strange  lesson. 

Some  dear  old  lady  will  say,  "  How  beautiful " ; 
and  some  old  fellow  with  many  a  cheery  party  to  his 
credit,  not  always  nice,  will  say  as  he  sits  back, 
"  Very  true,  but  how  hopelessly  impracticable." 

And  so  this  thing  that  I  am  daring  to  talk  about 
is  the  life-buoy  thrown  out  to  us,  and  it  seems  so 
ridiculous,  even  to  write  about  it.  Just  imagine  a 
statesman  searching  for  an  antidote  for  war  and 
after  careful  consideration  deciding  to  apply  the 


OVER  HERE 

antidote  I  have  suggested.  In  three  days  he  would 
be  placed  in  a  lunatic  asylum.  And  yet  it  could  be 
done.  Perhaps  it  could  be  applied  in  America. 

"  There  are  many  things  in  the  commonwealth  of 
Nowhere  which  I  rather  wish,  then  hope,  to  see 
adopted  in  our  own,"  wrote  Thomas  More  after  fin 
ishing  Utopia.  Yet  America  has  approached  very 
close  to  Utopia,  according  to  reports.  America  will 
learn  a  great  lesson  from;  our  struggles  and  suffering. 
War  is  a  rotten  sort  of  occupation.  Just  imagine 
all  the  men  who  have  been  killed  in  this  war  marching 
down  Piccadilly.  Even  if  they  marched  in  close  for 
mation  it  would  take  an  awfully  long  time.  Yet  the 
whole  thing  is  Love's  inferno,  but  of  course  we  are 
not  going  to  change,  but  rather  we  will  continue  to 
build  huge  battleships,  equip  huge  armies,  fight,  die, 
live  unnaturally  and  take  our  just  deserts,  and  we  will 
get  them. 

PHILADELPHIA,  January,  1918. 

I  am  now  definitely  employed  by  Uncle  Sam  to  go 
about  the  country  giving  talks  about  the  war.  He 
must  have  been  pleased  with  the  result  of  our  first 
effort  in  Pennsylvania.  At  any  rate  it  has  become 
my  job  to  go  from  county  capital  to  county  capital, 
in  every  state,  giving  addresses  in  the  Court  Houses. 

We  started  off  on  Wednesday  the  15th  at  9.15 
A.M.  in  the  Lehigh  Valley  Railroad's  charming  train 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA         233 

called  the  "  Black  Diamond."  Our  party  consisted 
of  my  senator,  an  ex-congressman  of  Irish  extraction, 
a  British  Tommy  camouflaged  as  a  sergeant,  and 
myself.  The  British  Tommy's  job  was  to  bag  any 
Britishers  who  desired  to  enlist.  Strangely  enough 
everybody  wanted  him  to  talk,  but  he  was  told  not 
to  do  any  talking.  I  should  have  had  no  objection 
to  his  obliging  our  American  friends  if  he  had  had 
anything  to  say,  but  he  had  never  been  to  the  front, 
much  to  his  own  disappointment,  and  I  disliked  the 
responsibility. 

We  arrived  at  a  little  city  called  Towanda  some 
time  after  lunch  and  dined  in  state  with  the  members 
of  the  local  committee.  They  all  seemed  to  be  judges, 
so  far  as  I  can  remember.  This  may  have  been  owing 
to  the  beauty  of  architecture  displayed  in  the  local 
Court  House.  We  spoke  to  a  fairly  large  audience. 
The  proceedings  were  opened  by  a  young  lady  who 
advanced  with  tightly  clenched  lips,  and  an  air  of 
determination,  to  a  large  black  and  handsomely  deco 
rated  piano.  She  struck  a  chord  or  two  and  then 
a  choir  of  maidens,  assisted  by  some  young  men,  com 
menced  to  sing  some  patriotic  airs.  They  sang  very 
well  and  then  my  senator,  having  been  fittingly 
introduced  by  one  of  the  leading  citizens,  addressed 
the  people.  I  came  next,  and  enjoyed  myself  thor 
oughly,  for  none  of  my  jokes  missed  fire.  Then  the 
congressman  spoke  and  none  of  his  jokes  missed  fire. 


234  OVER  HERE 

At  the  end  of  this  meeting  a  suspicion  commenced 
to  possess  my  mind.  I  began  to  wonder  whether  it 
were  not  true  that  the  folks  living  in  the  country 
towns  were  more  awake  to  the  situation  than  their 
brethren  in  the  cities. 

I  loved  the  congressman's  effort.  The  lovely  part 
about  his  remarks  lay  in  the  fact  that  all  the  time 
he  felt  that  he  ought  to  be  careful  not  to  introduce 
too  much  about  Ireland's  wrongs. 

After  the  meeting  we  retired  to  the  hotel  and 
in  the  night  a  party  of  young  people  returned  from 
a  sleighing  expedition  and  commenced  to  whisper 
in  the  room  next  to  mine,  which  was  a  sitting-room. 
They  succeeded  in  waking  us  up  but,  by  merely  whis 
pering,  refused  to  satisfy  any  curiosity  that  we  pos 
sessed.  It  is  a  curious  thing  that  ill-bred  curiosity 
seems  the  predominant  quality  in  a  man  when  he  is 
awakened  at  night  and  cannot  go  to  sleep. 

The  next  day  we  arrived  at  Tunkhannock,  a 
charming  little  town,  and  we  addressed  a  meeting  in 
the  Court  House.  It  was  freezing,  and  the  ground 
was  covered  with  snow,  but  that  did  not  prevent  the 
place  of  meeting  from  being  crammed  with  eager, 
earnest  people.  I  suggested  to  the  congressman 
that  we  should  talk  from  the  bench,  as  it  gave  one 
more  control  over  the  people  who  were  crowded  close 
up  to  where  we  were  sitting.  He  looked  at  me  with 
a  twinkle  in  his  Irish  eyes  and  said,  "  Yes,  quite 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA         235 

so — the  old  British  spirit  coming  out  again.  If  you 
get  up  there  on  the  bench,  in  ten  seconds  you'll  have 
me  in  the  dock."  Of  course,  amidst  laughter,  he 
confided  the  whole  thing  to  the  audience.  The  people 
\rere  fine,  as  keen  as  mustard.  They  were  all  pos 
sessed  with  a  firm  desire  to  get  along  with  the  job. 

That  same  evening  we  arrived  at  Wilkes-Barre 
and  addressed  a  fairly  large  meeting  in  the 
Y.  M.  C.  A.  auditorium.  I  must  honestly  admit  that 
I  missed  the  wonderful  spirit  displayed  at  Towanda 
and  Tunkhannock.  This  may  be  owing  to  the  fact 
that  the  city  is  a  large  one,  and  visited  a  good  deal 
by  war  lecturers.  However,  the  men  we  met  im 
pressed  us  greatly,  as  we  all  chatted  after  the  meet* 
ing  in  the  local  club. 

The  next  morning  we  took  a  trolley  car  for  Scran- 
ton.  Scranton !  If  every  town  in  France,  England, 
Italy,  and  the  United  States  possessed  the  spirit  dis 
played  by  the  citizens  of  Scranton,  the  war  would 
go  with  a  rush.  I  had  friends  in  Scranton, — a  boy 
and  a  girl  married  to  one  another,  and  now  possessing 
a  wee  friendly  baby,  and  they  insisted  upon  my  stay 
ing  with  them.  At  7.45  we  motored  down  to  the 
Town  Hall,  towards  which  a  great  stream  of  people 
was  advancing. 

I  mounted  the  platform  and  found  my  senator  and 
the  congressman  safely  seated  amidst  a  number  of 
officials  and  ladies.  At  eight  o'clock  some  members 


236  OVER  HERE 

of  the  Grand  Army  of  the  Republic  took  their  seats 
well  up  to  the  front,  amidst  cheers.  They  were  fine 
looking  men,  hale  and  hearty.  I  wish  public  speakers 
would  not  address  these  soldiers  by  telling  them  that 
their  numbers  are  dwindling,  and  so  on.  They  always 
do  it,  and  the  veterans  are  patient ;  but  when  I  am 
eighty  I  shall  object  very  strongly  to  anyone  suggest 
ing  to  me  that  soon  I  shall  descend  into  the  grave.  The 
mere  fact  that  their  numbers  are  dwindling  is  true, 
alas,  but  they  have  faced  death  before,  and  even  now 
they  must  feel  the  same  irritation  with  public  speakers 
that  Tommy  feels  when,  just  before  a  charge,  a 
chaplain  preaches  to  him  about  the  life  to  come. 
However,  the  ladies  feel  sobs  in  their  throats  and  I 
daresay  the  soldiers  don't  mind  very  much.  They 
have  got  hardened  to  it. 

At  this  meeting  there  were  three  choirs  number 
ing  in  all  about  six  hundred  voices.  An  energetic 
gentleman  stood  on  the  stage  and  commanded  the 
singing,  which  all  the  people  liked;  and  smilingly 
obeyed  him  when  he  urged  different  sections  of  the 
audience  to  sing  alone. 

Of  course  we  sang  the  "  Star  Spangled  Banner," 
and  at  the  chorus  one  of  the  men  of  the  Grand  Army 
of  the  Republic  stepped  forward,  like  the  soldier  he 
was,  and  waved  a  beautiful  heavy  silk  flag  gracefully 
and  slowly.  The  effect  was  fine. 

After  some  remarks  on  the  part  of  the  chairman, 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA         237 

in  which  he  said  that  the  "  peaks  in  the  distance 
shone  with  a  rosy  light,"  my  senator  spoke.  He  in 
troduced  a  remark  which  I  liked  very  much  but  had 
not  heard  before.  It  was  something  about  his  great 
grandfather  dying  in  New  York  on  a  British  pest 
ship.  His  idea  was  of  course  to  bring  out  a  contrast 
in  regard  to  the  present  friendship  for  Great  Britain. 
I  spoke  for  over  an  hour,  and  when  I  had  finished 
the  whole  vast  audience  of  nearly  four  thousand  men 
and  women  rose  to  their  feet  and  sang  "  For  He's  a 
Jolly  Good  Fellow."  I  felt  a  little  miserable  but 
very  proud.  It  was  all  very  easy,  really.  The  war  is 
a  serious  business  to  the  Scranton  folk  and  they 
wanted  to  hear  about  things:  they  have  all  got  a 
sense  of  humour,  and  I  have  lived  with  the  British 
Tommy. 

The  next  day  we  arrived  at  Mauch  Chunk  and 
addressed  a  wonderful  audience  of  people,  some  of 
whom  I  believe  were  Pennsylvania  Dutchmen  and  con 
sequently  my  friends.  I  wish  I  could  pronounce  the 
name  of  their  town.  The  local  clergyman  showed  me 
an  application  form  he  had  filled  in  for  admittance 
to  the  U.  S.  A.  in  which  he  remarked  that  he  was 
a  citizen  of  the  United  States  by  birth,  talent  and 
inclination.  He  is  about  sixty  years  old,  but  he  will 
be  a  soldier  of  some  sort  before  this  war  is  over,  I  am 
quite  sure. 

That  evening  we  addressed  the  citizens  of  Easton. 


238  OVER  HERE 

Apparently  the  audience  consisted  of  mostly  work 
men.  After  the  meeting  I  went  to  a  reception  at  the 
house  of  some  people  of  consequence.  The  very  rich 
folk  of  E  as  ton  were  all  here  and  beautifully  dressed. 
They  were  awfully  nice  folk,  but  I  suspect  that  they 
ought  to  have  been  at  the  meeting,  for,  of  course, 
it  was  arranged  by  the  men  keenly  interested  in  the 
war.  I  daresay  that  they  felt  that  they  knew  all 
that  was  to  be  known  about  the  war,  but  it  seemed 
to  me  that  they  ought  to  have  seized  this  opportunity 
to  let  the  folk  with  fewer  opportunities  see  that  they 
were  keenly  interested.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  they  all 
knit  a  great  deal  and  do  what  they  can.  Actually, 
the  outstanding  fact  is  this :  There  were  two  meet 
ings  in  Easton.  One  took  place  in  a  school  audi 
torium  and  was  filled  with  men  and  women  keen 
as  far  as  one  could  judge  to  "carry  this  thing 
through."  The  other  took  place  in  a  very  charming 
house  which  was  filled  with  men  and  women  in  full 
evening  dress,  also  keen  to  "carry  this  thing  through." 
It  is  a  pity  that  they  could  not  have  met. 

We  returned  to  Philadelphia,  very  tired,  but 
buoyed  up  with  enthusiasm  which  had  been  given  to 
us  by  the  people  who  live  in  the  Susquehanna  and 
Wyoming  Valleys.  There  are  other  beauty  spots  in 
this  world,  but  the  man  who  follow3  the  trail  of  the 
Black  Diamond  up  the  Wyoming  and  Susquehanna 
Valleys  sees  much  that  he  can  never  forget. 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA        239 

People  in  Philadelphia  sometimes  say  that  the 
country  is  still  asleep  to  the  situation.  They  speak 
vaguely  of  the  outlying  counties.  The  folk  there 
may  be  asleep,  but  to  my  mind  they  are  giving  a  very 
effective  sleep-walking  performance  and  I  should 
shrink  from  waking  them  up. 

After  a  day's  rest  in  Philadelphia  we  once  more 
started  off  and  addressed  audiences  in  court  houses 
all  crammed  to  overflowing  at  York,  Gettysburg, 
Chambersburg,  Carlisle,  Lewistown,  and  Middleburg. 
It  would  be  difficult  to  say  which  of  these  towns  dis 
played  the  most  enthusiasm. 

York  is  a  fine  town  with  some  beautiful  buildings, 
and  an  excellent  hotel.  I  lunched  with  a  friend  who 
lives  in  a  country  house,  a  little  way  out.  The  land 
scape  was  covered  with  snow  but  it  had  rained  during 
the  morning,  and  the  thaw  had  been  followed  by  a 
sudden  frost.  The  water  therefrom  running  along 
the  branches  of  the  trees  became  glistening  ice.  The 
effect  in  the  sunlight  was  beautiful  as  we  motored 
along  the  chief  residential  street, — an  avenue  called 
after  one  of  the  kings  of  England. 

The  next  day  we  boarded  a  local  train  that  carried 
us  to  Gettysburg.  It  was  drawn  along  by  one  of 
those  beautiful  old  locomotives  that  must  have  dazzled 
the  eyes  of  children  forty  years  ago.  It  reached 
Gettysburg  five  minutes  before  its  time.  I  had  hoped 
to  spend  some  time  viewing  the  battlefield,  but  there 


240  OVER  HERE 

were  several  feet  of  snow,  so  it  was  difficult.  However, 
we  drove  to  the  cemetery  and  saw  the  many  thousands 
of  graves  occupied  by  the  young  men  who  fought 
and  died  in  a  great  battle.  The  weather  was  bad  but 
the  Court  House  was  crammed  with  people,  including 
some  soldiers  of  the  Grand  Army  of  the  Republic. 

The  next  day  I  met  the  Roman  Catholic  priest, 
who  had  been  present,  and  he  told  me  how  he  had 
liked  my  remark  about  the  Tommies  thinking  it 
"  rather  cute  "  of  the  little  French  children  to  be  able 
to  speak  French. 

Chambersburg  was  our  next  stopping  place  and 
here  my  senator  rejoined  us,  for  business  had  com 
pelled  him  to  go  to  New  York  during  the  first  days 
of  the  week.  The  congressman  had  found  it  impos 
sible  to  come  with  us  and  we  missed  him  a  great  deal. 
Chambersburg  seems  a  bustling  community  and  the 
Committee  of  Public  Safety  had  aroused  much  en 
thusiasm:  the  large  Court  House  could  not  hold  all 
the  people  who  desired  to  enter. 

The  next  day  we  arrived  in  Carlisle.  Carlisle  is 
precisely  like  an  English  country  town.  It  possesses 
a  Presbyterian  church  which  was  built  before  the 
Revolution.  We  were  entertained  by  some  friends  of 
the  senator.  During  the  day  we  motored  out  to  the 
Carlisle  School  for  the  American  Indians.  This  was 
interesting  to  me  since  I  have  read  so  many  stories 
around  the  Red  Indians.  The  school  forms  a  pleasant 
group  of  buildings. 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA        241 

We  approached  a  large  drill  hall  or  gymnasium 
and  at  the  moment  of  our  entrance  a  band  broke  into 
"  God  Save  the  King."  In  the  hall  the  braves  were 
drawn  up  on  one  side  and  the  squaws  on  the  other.  I 
had  the  honour  of  inspecting  them  and  later  I  spoke  a 
few  words  to  them,  but  my  effort  seemed  stilted  and 
weak  compared  with  the  things  that  filled  my  mind. 
The  meeting  in  Carlisle  showed  the  same  enthu 
siasm  that  had  marked  all  the  meetings  throughout 
the  week.  I  felt  at  home  a  little,  for  the  inhabitants 
are  all  alleged  to  be  Scotch  Irish.  The  town  is  sweet 
and  pretty  and  we  regretted  that  more  time  could 
not  be  spent  walking  about  its  streets  and  examining 
the  quaint  old  houses,  but  we  had  to  get  on  to 
Middleburg. 

The  suspicion  that  had  possessed  my  mind  at  the 
beginning  of  this  my  last  tour  of  Pennsylvania  that 
the  people  in  the  small  country  towns  are  very  wide 
awake  to  the  situation  became  more  insistent  after 
my  visit  to  Middleburg.  The  temperature  was  sev 
eral  degrees  below  zero,  and  the  ground  had  at  least 
a  foot  of  snow  on  its  surface.  The  meeting  was  held 
at  12.30  but  by  the  time  we  were  ready  to  start  there 
was  not  a  vacant  seat  in  the  whole  building  and 
people  were  standing  at  the  back  of  the  hall.  They 
"  wanted  to  know."  It  was  quite  unnecessary  to 
catch  their  interest  by  telling  them  amusing  stories. 
They  desired  strong  meat.  To  me  there  seemed  in 
16 


OVER  HERE 

this  charming  little  community  the  spirit  of  the  men 
of  Valley  Forge  who  drilled  with  blood-stained  feet 
in  order  that  the  British  Empire  might  gain  its 
freedom.  They  didn't  know  that  they  were  fighting 
for  us.  They  might  even  have  spurned  the  idea.  It 
is  true,  nevertheless,  and  I  told  the  folk  at  Middle- 
burg  this,  and  they  believed  me.  They  believed  me, 
too,  when  I  told  them  that  once  more  the  British 
people  and  the  American  people  were  allied  with  the 
same  purpose  in  view — the  downfall  of  futile 
autocracy. 

The  old  determined  spirit  of  '76  still  exists  in 
America.  It  lives  in  the  cities  where  it  is  difficult  for 
the  traveler  to  see,  but  in  little  towns  like  Middle- 
burg  even  a  Britisher  can  see  it  and  a  feeling  of 
pride  creeps  over  him  when  he  makes  the  discovery. 

How  clever  our  cousins  are  when  it  comes  to  the 
actual  pinch.  They  were  in  a  criminal  state  of  un- 
preparedness,  just  like  ourselves ;  but  when  they  es 
tablished  their  Committees  of  Public  Safety  through 
out  the  length  and  breadth  of  this  huge  country  they 
showed  us  something  that  we  might  do  well  to  copy. 
The  heart  of  the  organization  exists  at  the  capital. 
Arteries  run  to  the  big  cities,  smaller  blood-vessels 
tap  the  towns,  and  little  capillaries  go  out  even  to 
the  small  villages  where  local  orators  address  the 
people  in  the  tiny  schoolhouses.  Hence  the  people 
will  know  about  everything;  their  loyalty  and  keen 
ness  will  be  kept  at  the  right  pitch  and  the  Govern- 


THROUGH  PENNSYLVANIA         243 

ment  will  then  have  a  certain  quantity  to  base  their 
plans  upon. 

At  the  moment  the  men  at  the  head  of  affairs  are 
getting  the  criticism  that  is  so  good  for  them,  but 
no  one  seems  to  realise  as  yet  that  all  mistakes  at 
the  moment  are  not  really  new  mistakes  but  part  of 
the  great  big  composite  mistake  of  unpreparedness. 

I  am  able  to  observe  the  feelings  of  the  people 
as  I  go  from  town  to  town  and  I  am  possessed  not 
merely  with  a  knowledge  that  we  are  going  to  win  in 
our  fight  against  Germany  (that  is  a  foregone  con 
clusion),  but  that  the  friendship  that  can  be  seen  aris 
ing  between  my  country  and  this  is  going  to  be  a 
wonderful  help  to  us. 

I  can  see  this  country  travelling  over  some  very 
difficult  ground  during  the  next  few  months,  but  as 
the  gentleman  said  at  Scranton,  the  "  peaks  in  the 
distance  shine  with  a  very  rosy  light." 

And  so  to  my  own  countrymen  I  can  say,  "  Criti 
cise  the  American  statesman  if  you  desire,  since  you 
are  well  practised  in  the  art;  laugh  at  Uncle  Sami's 
mistakes  if  you  dare,  but  trust  the  American  boy !  " 
Your  trust  will  not  be  in  vain,  for  with  your  own 
British  Tommy,  the  French  Poilu,  and  the  Italian 
soldier  (I  don't  know  what  they  call  him),  he  will 
be  there,  smiling  and  good-looking,  and  glad  to  see  the 
gratitude  and  love  for  him  too  which  you  will  not  be 
able  to  prevent  from  appearing  on  your  face  when 
the  people  of  the  world  can  cry  at  last,  "  Victory ! ! !  " 


14  DAY  USE 

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